Whats’s in a name?

You wanna be where you can see that people are all the same… You wanna be where everybody knows your name. An old song, I know. But the bottom line is clear, we all feel better when interacting with others using our names. So, let’s do it and make life a little bit better.

We are now in the days of hiding behind a computer and, we forget to get personal. It makes even the most nonchalent/defensive of people relent when you refer to them by name when affirming, or even repeating, something they’ve just said.  If you put in such efforts to make people feel they matter, it certainly pays off, It’s a hoot to see the look in their eyes when they do not expect it.

At restaurants, I notice that the wait staff doesn’t seem to wear nametags anymore and sometimes I have to ask their names, but its nicer to say, “Excuse me, Sandy” rather than “Hey!” when you need something from them.  I think anyone appreciates being called by his/her name vs. something generic (especially the ewwwwww-inspiring “honey/sweetie/babe” that some women get.)

Ask a question using a name and you are more likely to get the positive answer than just using the question without the name. Referring to someone by their name is a moment of connection, whether in a professional or social situation. This helps build the relationships that lead to success.  The other side of the coin, introducing yourself and stating your own name when meeting someone new, is just as important.

Often in business situations people use full names. If I am going to have an extended relationship with the person I like to ask how they prefer to be addressed. Some people prefer James, while others prefer Jim. I like to call people by the name they prefer, but if you don’t ask, you don’t know. If someone prefers Jim and you keep using James, it is noticeable and can be uncomfortable to the person. Depending on the relationship, they may be uncomfortable correcting you.  I will add one more thing. If you are being formal and using an honorific, use the right one. Professor Jones may not like being called Mr Jones. General Smith probably does not like to be called Mr Smith. And Dr Barnes may not like Miss Barnes.

Dale Carnegie said, “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”

Sometimes I ask people about their first name. Many times folks love telling me the story behind their name, how they got it, why they have it, and it can be really fun to hear. Within 60 seconds, I know a lot more about them and their family history. I have always been a strong believer in building rapport and the name is always the first step.

It’s the little big things (in this case being called by name) that can make the difference in business and interpersonal relationships. If only more could adopt this simple courtesy. Indeed what you get by personalizing communication is really priceless. It is true that everyone likes the sound of heir own name and using it helps you to remember it. However, do not fall into the trap which some sales people have of inserting the name into every single sentence! Keep in mind:  “It’s my name, don’t wear it out.”

The only caveat being the importance of getting the name right. There are several reasons why mistakes may happen – assumed surnames, a surname that could be a first name, unknown transposition, etc. To be personal courtesies, names must be more than automated fill-ins for numbers.

“They couldn’t think of a number so they gave me a name” – Rupert Hines

Tip: Be careful in the UK.  They don’t like overfamiliarity and certainly don’t want their first names written on paper coffee cup when they just want a cup of coffee. 

Two to Tango!!

Some believe that men and women basically use different parts of their brains. Often heard are: “The left brain thinks, the right brain feels.” “The left brain analyzes, the right brain intuits.” “The left brain is logical, the right brain is emotional.” Likely, our thinking, feeling, and loving are more complex than these simple statements; yet, at least on occasion (likely more often) men and women think and feel differently and express themselves differently.

Most couples get married when they still have the euphoric feelings of being in love. When these euphoric feelings evaporate some time after marriage and differences begin to emerge, they often find themselves in conflict. With no positive plan for resolving conflicts, they often find themselves speaking harshly to each other. Harsh words create feelings of hurt, disappointment and anger.

We claim to have put in much effort to make the other feel loved yet ironically, we have felt under-loved and under-appreciated by our partner. When our relationship is in crisis, common sense goes out the window and we start trying crazy things to solve the problem or you can’t even TRY to solve it at all and it spirals out of control. The problem is most people love how they want to be loved, and that doesn’t tend to align with how their partner wants to be loved. We don’t really understand what our partner needs because it is SO DIFFERENT from what each of us need. We don’t realize how much our actions or lack of actions affects the other person. Our expression of love is more of a matter of personal preference and sometimes the right words to express something elude us – different individuals will respond differently to each of them.

Love is hard work. It is no rocket-science however we are unable to figure out the simplicity of a relationship’s health or broken-ness until it ends. As we know, love is more than a feeling…love is what you do, which is why we’re so confused by the whole thing.

People like myself are lunk-headed who see that love is beyond roses and chocolates. In reality, we need to know other’s person want of expression in order for the love cup to be filled. Gifts, Words, Service, Touch, Attention… everyone gives and receives love differently. In the beginning of a relationship…everything is hot and heavy…and you are just happy that someone is into you. But as time marches on, the love you give can fall on deaf ears…. And then all of a sudden you don’t feel appreciated and the cycle of a relationship ending looms overhead. It’s because you keep loving the other person the way that you feel loved rather than the way they feel loved. It’s not easy to change the way you love someone… but it is all about speaking the other person’s language.

One of best ways to tell someone “I Love You” is to say “I love you just the way you are.” Love is what you do, not only an emotion, which is why we’re so confused by the whole thing. The principle here is if you want to be accepted in any relationship you should give your acceptance first. How many of us really want someone to relentlessly badger us to change this or change that about ourselves. Change in itself can be difficult, but that is another subject to consider.

In ballroom dancing it has been said that “it takes two to tango,” and “it takes one to lead.” I have learned from many others, a successful, lasting, and happy relationship involves two great forgivers and apologizers. I have found that those who never or almost never say “I’m sorry” have difficulties with their working and personal relationships.

A good question to ask yourself at the beginning of each day: “What will I do today that shows I both love and respect people around me?” TIP: While certainly one positive act or action daily is a good start, many are even better and will bring more benefits.

Angel in disguise – My Mom!

Like two sides of a single coin, every woman is different – just like my mom and me. Similarly, my relationship with my mom was both satisfying and frustrating, harmonious and discordant, and full of blessing and hurt. There are two sides to every story and everyone has their own story.

No matter how strong our bond is, there were turbulent times, challenges, and transitional periods that put a strain on our relationship. Many times, it was when I am making my own way through the “real world” and striving to find my own identity in my world. She was finding it hard to deal when I was choosing a different lifestyle than she would have chosen for me. It was like riding a rollercoaster that I couldn’t get off. Parts of it left me screaming, “Let me off!”. I wanted to feel that my mom is not trying to “fix” things for me, but instead that my mom has confidence in me that I will figure even this tough situation out, and I will find a solution. Instead of giving advice on everything, especially when the advice was not requested, just listen, provide support, and believe in.

We did, at times, have similarities but also realized that we are individual people. The relationship problem with adult daughter like me occur when my mother still perceives me as a child. Initially, she did have a hard time in letting go…letting me learn from my own mistakes. Well, I understand that it’s hard, because she looks back on her younger years, and want to shelter me from what mistakes she probably made at that time.

As a daughter…I sometimes struggle with my mom’s desire to still parent me in my 30s. Yet, I might be following similar footsteps with my own daughter when I have one. Will relationships ever be easy? I doubt it. Women are women…regardless of age…we are intricate, complex and sometimes (especially like me in my family) stubborn.

My mom would relate an incident, and I would explain what I was feeling about the same situation. Together we have really faced some incredible circumstances. We had numerous occasions/situations wherein we allowed each other the freedom to be who they are and trust their judgement. Like all moms, she has opinions. At times, I think she should keep opinions to herself until asked. You know what? I ask her a lot. As I grow older, we are singing more in tune than ever but sometimes we still get off-key, but as practice makes perfect, we start again and enjoy the beautiful harmonies when we find them.

We get along, for the most part, with eachother but it seems that sometimes I just don’t understand her and she doesn’t understand me. We still have our “moments”. Now, although she doesn’t agree with accepting my worldly decisions, but she does agree that she should love them unconditionally.

Even as a young child, I can remember as far back all through high school, all my friends wished they had a relationship with their mother like I had with mine. I don’t know how many times I’ve said “I could never have picked a better mother than the one God gave me.” (And secretly wish my daughter would pray the same)

Happy Mother’s day to my Mom…my Angel!!

Related articles

• 25 Things My Mom Taught Me (todaysfreshmanna.wordpress.com)

Communication Barriers – What say?

I’m not married, nor in a relationship. However, I often have couples around me, among family or friends or acquaintances, who are both so passionate and extreme, they fight to the extreme and love to the extreme. They have this conflicting ways of seeing things, and each other…where the husband and the wife look at talking about their relationship from vastly different perspectives. The wife believes that talking about the relationship is essential to its health. The husband would prefer to do anything but talk.

It is not a problem to be “solved” by making men more like women and women more like men. Men and women are simply different, not wrong, not right, just different. We just need to be conscious of exactly what the differences are and how to honor the differences (ofcourse, it is not easy).

Whoever said that “When people feel connected to each other, communication is not as significant.” – I do not completely agree. I am not advocating that “communication” is most important in maintaining a good relationship. However, gone are the days when love was diving in each other’s eyes, reading minds, holding hands and enjoying the smooth silence dance. I believe that often times, Love is an overhyped word. It’s become too elusive, an umbrella-term for a lot of goodness, but then again, also often the word that has been used to keep people in denial about their own needs and self-care. It’t just too loaded with baggage now. The meaning is no longer clear and specific to solve conflicts. It’s become that fuzzy non-word.

Sweet words of love, alone, does not sweep anyone off their feet…anymore. Now, to feel the feelings of love, it should be said loud (not in literal sense) and clear. But, one needs to step into the puddle of expressive communication to show their appreciation, commitment and love for each other, alongwith compassion and connection…’cos words hurt, words destroy, words can kill a relationship!!

Communication barriers, certainly, which I believe men and women have between each other is natural. It is a result of conditioning as a child. Boys are taught to suppress emotions while girls are rewarded for being emotional. Thus, there are the typical men that never listens, never wants to talk and just shuts yourself off and then there are the typical women chasing their men around the house trying to connect through words and emotions. Women “repair’ relationship breaches and problems by talking; for men talking makes then feel worse (physiologically — not emotionally or mentally). Since men feel worse when discussing problems and women feel better, how can both partners feel satisfied? Its a vicious cycle – what one has been trying to get through to another, why one felt the way they did, why partner responded the way they did…everything.

Sometimes instead of just having to deal with it or feel guilty about it afterwards, they would rather put their hand on a red-hot stove, so asking them to share their feelings. I don’t know if this would apply to those who grew up with parents throwing things at each other; they may want to believe words are more important.

Its easier said than done but a friend recently told me to think about what you say and do, before you say or do it. It helps to listen, really listen to what the other is saying and the feelings and fears behind the arguments that don’t get resolved. Seeing your partner from a different light is always helpful in understanding when a relationship becomes too bogged down with arguments or negative communication or stonewalling. Sometimes we say things that just don’t come out the way we want to say it.

There are no magic relationships, perfect people, just loving couples maintaining a healthy communication. Nothing is as (im)perfect as it seems after all. What say?!

Related articles

• 6 Ways Men and Women Communicate Differently (psychcentral.com)
• How To Keep A Relationship Working (britishcbtandcounsellingservice.wordpress.com)
• 5 tips when communicating with women (acordof3strands.wordpress.com)
• “The Quickest Way to a Man’s Heart Is Through His Chest”… Why Men and Women Can’t Communicate (wegotkidz.com)
• What Women Really Want in a Relationship (leggotunglei808.wordpress.com)

Exclusive space in a Relationship…!!

In my last blog, iSpace in a Relationship, I shared my views on how technology has created space in relationships. On the contrary, advancement in technology has, also, helped us bridge the communication gap and be more connected with everyone be it our family, friends or colleagues through myriad of options. However it has crunched our individual space…the exclusive time for ourself!!

Talking of space, especially, in a relationship always seems to send the wrong vibes that probably it is not working out? It might not be the case. Unless there is sort of disconnect between the two of you, there is nothing wrong in providing the adequate space to your partner…and having it yourself too.

Space is significantly beneficial for any relationship. Of course, not so much so as to become neglectful or simply drift apart from your partner. If there’s more space than not, would it really be called a relationship?

Psychologist Su  parna Das correctly explicates, “Giving space in a relationship means allowing your partner to think, feel and act as they want to as an individual. It is allowing the ‘you’ and the ‘me’ to co-exist with the ‘us’.”. Its time-out for oneself. Don’t cling to each other all the time. Feel connected by communicating with each other for some time. If you and your partner have different need for space, talk to each other and I firmly believe that ‘there is always a ‘middle path’.”

“Your partner love you so much to get away from you sometime” ~ Jay in an episode of ‘My Wife and Kids’.

Remember: Don’t occupy a space in someone’s life that can’t easily be filled in your absence. That can apply to anything from renting a place together that one can’t afford alone or being only good girl-friend. Model independence by giving advice only when asked and saving heroic intervention for emergencies.

A little less Yin for a lot more Yang

Nature understands no jesting; she is always true, always serious, always severe; she is always right, and the errors and faults are always those of man. The man incapable of appreciating her, she despises and only to the apt, the pure, and the true, does she resign herself and reveal her secrets. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Ladies, we’re smart and successful in all aspects of our lives…well, except finding and keeping our knight in shining armor. Makes me wonder, are most clever career/intellectual single women emotionally autistic? With my intelligence wondering, why was/am I unable to attract the kind of men I want to date or to say “I Do”?

Self-realization tells me that I assumed guys would like my easy-going and self-reliant attitude. That is so wrong!! It just makes them think of me as one of the guys. They love watching games with me, going for concerts/movies/music shows, volunteering acts and talking about their girlfriend/dating problems with me. However, they never seem to want to date me (not that I want to date my male friends but dropping a hint that they would, would have given me the needed kick ;)).

I started observing women around me…friends who never had a vacuum in their relationship pattern. And I realized that I just needed to tweak a little of myself!

What I did – now, I have started wearing dresses (I didn’t much before because I didn’t like my thin legs) with right accessories and trying to my hair grow longer (so that I can make sexy hairdos). That certainly made me feel more feminine and the responses were immediate. I even let a male acquaintance order and pay my meal for me a very nice restaurant. Uhmm…truth is that I was very tired. I simply folded the menu and said, “I’m tired of making decisions today, could you please order for us?” He loved it. He told me a little later how much he loved that. He said he was really surprised by that because he always knew me as i-pay-for-myself-kind of girl. Who knew? I didn’t want to feel bad about how much money he was spending and didn’t want to analyze it to death.

You can get so much more than you expect if you’re willing to lay down your armor and be a teeny bit vulnerable. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t being a pushover or a chump – I was always protecting myself, my body and mind. And not only is it vital to understand my emotional needs, but I also need to be savvy about *who* I choose. That’s the key – the “being savvy” part. No more chasing after some dork who won’t commit, and no more wondering how to get who is right for me. Now I want to make my love life effortless! I am not looking for someone who looks good on a profile resume, but someone who provides real fulfillment in the form of great conversation, caring gestures and support. As Dr. Ali Binazir aptly says “fulfillment is a feeling, not a person.”

I have understood how important it is to be myself and that being authentic is so much more attractive. After all, every great relationship starts by being happy who you are outside of one…happiness comes from within…other people add to it and not make it.

I love who I am and no matter my eventual fate, I will always have myself to fall back on. Having a relationship doesn’t make me who I am. I wish to empower the Goddess within me. I don’t hide who I am, I am just learning to mellow out and allow myself to be soft and female. I am learning to love a man’s masculine charisma and relish how it compliments my feminine.

I know for fact mean, when I tweak myself for better, I attract better…whether that’s relationships, peace, work or money. Right?!  😉