Posts Tagged With: Marriage

Is marriage an achievement?

A friend forwarded this image to me on Whatsapp. Not sure I agree entirely. A wedding is not an achievement. A good, balanced marriage certainly is, calling for years of work on the part of both parties.

Thankfully marriage was never ever a topic in our household. Education and career was. I was never told not to do this, not to say this, etc because I had to get married one day. During studies when other girls used to fantasize about marriage I on the other hand thought about polishing my skill, volunteering and even started working. And when I was earning, girls my age were getting married and I on the other hand was learning new skills and thinking about how to get a house on my name! My family never ever got worried about our marriage and when the right time came I married on my terms and by my choice and still living how I wanted to. 

Individual religious beliefs also have a high impact on this uneven happiness or otherwise in the marriage. 

Making a marriage, or any relationship, work takes effort. Being happy in a marriage, or other relationship, is an achievement that should be celebrated. 

Getting married in and of itself is not an achievement. Getting married is not a goal. It is just a thing that can happen or not in the middle of all your achievements. And when it happens make sure you get married on your own terms. 🙂

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Categories: Muddled Thoughts | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Love is…

First day of the year and I am more excited than anyone. Another beautiful chapter to be written over a year.

Excitedly I opened my gifted journal to the first question. It happens to be the most over-used and misunderstood word – LOVE. It is never easy to define love…or is it?

Infatuation is not love.

Attention is not love.

Sex is not love.

Love is mysterious.

I don’t know if I believe in the idea of soul mates or love at first sight. But I do believe that I have someone who is exactly right for me. Not because he was perfect, or because I was, but because our combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two individuals fit like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

When we are incomplete, we are always searching for somebody to complete us. But, after a few years of a relationship, we blame our partners for the feeling of un-fulfillment. Let’s admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us. Choosing to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure. The most painful thing is losing ourself in the process of loving someone too much or expecting someone to love us in a certain way, and forgetting that we are special too.

People like to say love is unconditional, but even so it definitely should come with a disclaimer. Falling in love is easy but staying in love is a huge responsibility. It’s like someone wants you to be happy and that makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won’t be happy unless you are. Phew – now that’s a vicious cycle and a responsibility! But if there is always an expectation attached – something in return, then its heading to a disaster. 

We will question our partner if they really love us. We will ask this a dozen times but do we ever ask if they are mad at us. When someone is angry, we don’t doubt it for a moment. Thus the reverse should be true also. We doubt the positive qualities in others, but seldom the negative. Why do we doubt the negative in life instead of having faith in the positive? Is it so difficult? Are we engineered like that?

We secretly wish for that special person who is right for us. But if we happen to have kissed a few frogs, we begin to suspect the existence of the prince. Why is so? Was I wrong in some way to find partners who were wrong in a complementary way? I don’t think that’s the case – they helped me a lot to grow fully into my own wrongness.

And it isn’t until we finally overcome our deepest fears, our courage of taking another change – the ones that make us truly who we are – that we are ready to find a lifelong partner. Only then do we finally know what we are looking for. But not just any wrong person: the right-wrong person – someone we lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. I think as we grow wiser with time, we are more willing with our accumulated courage take a chance on someone. Becoming soul-mates takes a lifetime to perfect. We have to recognize that there cannot be any relationship unless there is commitment, loyalty, love, patience, and persistence.

It’s said that “When God knows we are ready for commitment, He will reveal the right person even under the wrong circumstances.” I strongly believe in it because I found that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way – someone who knows the shape of my fears and contour my dreams.

Its amazing how a person who was a stranger suddenly meant the world to me. He deserves the world and one day I will find out how to give it to him.

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Need to look in the mirror again..

2 months into our marriage:

Despite all the love and longing-ness to be together soon, we didn’t realize how common the bickering will become, and we still haven’t started staying together. We might wonder if we did the right thing. It won’t always be easy and you’ll occasionally question your judgment…but it won’t take you long to get your answer. It’s a very fleeting doubt and just spending time in the company of this human being you love unconditionally means that marriage was the best decision you ever made.

Recently, our fights are an outcome of my emotional turmoil (relocating to a new country) and his logical mind (Why would you say that? What did you mean by that? Why…?). I wish we both can meet midway when this happens. I beg and cry and do all sorts of unbecoming things to convince him to understand me emotionally. All I am losing is my self-respect.

I had vowed never to be that way again – never to put someone on a pedestal – never to be in a one – way relationship where I have to beg someone to understand me. But then, I have never loved someone like I love him.

If I don’t think I am worthy, it’s really hard to inspire my man to think so, much less dedicate his life to me.

Let’s look at this from the other side:

Will I be inspired by a man who is weak, needy, and insecure?
A man who needs constant attention?
A man who doesn’t trust that you love him?
A man who is convinced he is too good for me and that he is going to leave me for someone else?

Probably not. That man would be exhausting.

But isn’t that what love is all about? Knowing each others’ flaws and accepting them anyway?  Ultimately, the answer is yes. But in a budding relationship, it doesn’t matter how much you love each other; all that matters is whether you are both equally bought in.girl_with_mirror_by_nami86

The more he pulled away; the needier I got.  The needier I got, the less he wants me/ to be with me.

How could I prove myself to him? What could I do differently?

“Sorry” he said. “You may think whatever you want. Its your issue. You’re too anxious. Too difficult. Too emotional. Not secure.”

I need to find a way to express my needs without turning into doormats. The question is whether I believe in myself the way I should.

If not, I may need to look in the mirror again.

 

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My hubby’s British sense of humor…

Married to an amazing British guy, I have actively made a conscious effort to learn the angle of British humour. (Yes, Mr K, you read it right!).

But it was not so easy as it sounds. There were huffs and puffs caused due to his occasional witty, tongue-in-cheek comment. I found myself in situations where I just couldn’t tell if it was harmless remark/ banter or a serious conversation. It might tickle some people, however my brain is fortunately or unfortunately wired differently to function at a different wavelength.

I have grown up in India and its globally known that Indian humour lacks sarcasm (i.e. Chandler Bing type of humour) but I grew up watching a fair share of Friends and and have briefly worked for few years in US as well. In both places, there is a time and place for humor. In England, this seems not to be the case.

I still am struggling to get his unique Brit humour. But I would agree that it is teaching me (in a harsh way) to not take myself too seriously. It also makes light of tough situations, which is a good thing (sometimes) because when things look grim, it definitely helps to laugh.

Mr K’s humor is almost always deadpan – there will be no sign in red neon lights telling you ‘This Is The Joke’…rather a playful exchange of verbal sparring delivered with a smiling face and no apology. Basically, humour is his default setting – he is always looking to spice up our day with a sprinkle of laughter.

Ah, well!! 🙂

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Should we trust our “Cloud Nine” feelings??

Mr K and I started talking to each other in Oct 2015, and we had that instant recognition, mutually. Within 6 months – BOOM! we were married. Distance separates Mr K and I by thousand of miles and it will remain the same for few more (urghh…tedious visa process). Therefore, I chose to fly down to Mr K to be with him for a week (a romantic person – well, I am!!). Anyways, I just wanted to be beside him, next to him… It felt completely natural and normal to suddenly find the person I want to be with, to have a life and family with. Love and romance can blind us to all kinds of information. So glad I didn’t marry everyone I loved. At the risk of sounding dramatic, I didn’t want anyone else.

Love is not a product of reasonings and statistics.
It just comes — none knows whence —
and cannot explain itself.

~ Mark Twain Eve’s Diary

 I have known people who moved very fast and stayed happily committed for many years. I have known others who took it more slowly, where it seemed they were really getting to now each other, and still were not successful in the long run. We took a crucial decision of spending our life together ‘for better or for worse’ but as my wise man says that he knows he made the right choice (ah, I am on cloud nine! *blush*).

Some couples have only one person head-over-heels up-front, with the other person much more mildly or slowly growing interested. In our relationship, we are one or another in different situations. I love how we can balance each other despite that mild cultural difference. I know: It’s not romantic, but we seem to be in LOVE!love is

When two people feel the same level of love attraction to one another, a relationship can be rewarding and unstressed. But sometimes, one person or the other feels much stronger attraction than the other does. And that can be uncomfortable to even painful for both individuals, eventually. And then we pick on petty stupid stuff on which we laugh later.

Sounds to me as if it’s the way it’s “supposed to” work, as long as we stipulate that there is no such thing as how it’s “supposed to” work. A lifetime isn’t made up of just this week or the past few weeks — and a future life will need plenty of time to unfurl its petals so you can see it. There’s no guarantee that we will know each other completely in a year or in many years or not at all, but when chemicals and hormones will wear off, we will have a better ability to see things as they are.

Dear Mr. K, it won’t always be easy and we will occasionally question our judgment but as we will get along together, we will see more and more aspects of each other, and I am sure we will fall in love more. Why do I know so? 10 years back we spoke for a bit –  so you see we had won the “lottery” a long, long time ago, but instead of checking our numbers, we just kept buying more tickets. (You know what I mean ;-))

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Am married… :)

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Yes, yes, yes!! I got married. Yayyy.

So cool, great experience. I recommend marriage for almost anyone who is willing to commit to someone for the rest of their life. It feels AWESOME!!

While I was having jitters, I was completely and totally in love with Mr. K (as how I would refer my new husband). “Once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale. Having met him was mine”.

This blog will now have a beautiful and fresh perspective on my newly formed relationship, unlike when I started writing this blog.

Ofcourse, I will be more active on my blog now and you will be hearing more about him. Just wanted to shatter few keys to let my virtual friends know how happy I am. Btw, one of the perks of getting married to him – he is my cuddle-buddy! (Territory marked now)

Please keep Mr. K and me in your prayers as we seek blessings from everyone as we embark on this beautiful journey.

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Her story: His story

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Often than not, this is what starts pushing a relationship to an end, ain’t it?
  • We stop communicating but start assuming.
  • We stop validating our love but how we frequently inadvertently invalidate each other without realizing it
  • We stop seeing we love each other so much but start seeing how we could rip each other to shreds in times of conflict.
  • We stop becoming less aware and more reactive.
  • We hesitate to take that extra step but never to step back thus creating the distance.
  • We complain about space but shrug away an after-fight hug.
  • We miss romantic dinners for two but we eat dinner while watching tv at home.
  • We start noticing the grey hair but not the wisdom which comes with it.
  • We forget the loving conversations but do remember what the last fight was about.
  • We put our heart in creating our vows but not so much in keeping them.
  • We miss the long hand-in-hand walks but don’t walk our partner to the door when they leave for work.
  • We ache for sweet-nothings but often do not realize the ache our hard words cause.
  • We long for a passionate kiss but not enough to keep the passion alive.
  • We look deep into the eyes not to find what lies beneath it but to find the lies in it.
  • We have advice on what could have been done but never what should be done.
  • We hear the words but never listen to the feelings behind them.
  • We love the feeling of falling in love but forget the feeling of being in love!!

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…in the time of Internet!!

It’s undisputed that technology has shaped the world today. From the simplex variety that secretly runs the world, to the one that decides which of our friends’ status updates we see, movies to watch, and products to buy, algorithms increasingly govern our behaviors and choices. Nowhere is this truer than the world of match-making. The widespread acceptance of online services developed over many years thanks largely to the widespread adoption of the internet in all areas of life.

031The indian traditional way was (or rather still is prevalent) that a community, vis-Ă -vis, through religion, the neighborhood, or friends, single individuals were selected for introduction. From personal ads in newspapers to online dating, there has been a stigma in using these ‘services’ still in Modern India. This stigma on people feeling that they can not meet someone in a traditional sense but the use of technology is seen inferior or less prestigious. While internet enabled smart people to launch business that relied on technology to match people for matrimonial or dates, they have been incapable of creating cultural change that would remove the stigma from this form of services.

In other countries, single adults participate in web-based dating sites, however, dating sites in India is still in a nascent stage. On the other hand, matrimonial sites/services are in abundant who claim to have helped people find their soulmate. Besides eligible bachelors, one will find their parents, friends or other relatives are actively doing match-making, as it is a convenient and accessible option.

In the world of singles, the traditional model of finding your partner is to meet a quality person with an open mind. This will result in meeting like-minded individuals that may be potential partners. However, technology has replaced the way that courtships occur today. The rise of technology while creating more interconnectedness has resulted in less of a traditional way of meeting.

Despite being part of tech-savy generation, how this fascinating, bizarre, totally unexplained, exploding technology fits into this traditional methods of match-making, is beyond me. These matrimonial websites might use more of a sorting mechanism, but like in real life, there is no real way of knowing if a match will work. The successful results are difficult to replicate. However, once a person decides to use these services, they are more open to making the potential encounter work. It seems that technology will not replace the “gut” feeling that occurs when two people meet.

Just like the real world, online dating is a place to find people. It works maybe because so many people are not able to meet people in their immediate spheres of day by day life. It CAN be a useful tool along with face-to-face meetings. I know several people who have meet their spouse on the internet and a couple more who are in long(ish) term relations with internet dating sites to thank for.

While technology has changed the method of making the first encounter, the `making it work’ aspect still depends on the individuals. It is the relationship that counts and that chemistry happens only through complex human interaction!!

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Men’s Rules For Women

MenRules

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Infidelity…!!!

I never saw the signs, at least if I did, I denied they were there. I just thought they were friends. After I found out and confronted him, he confirmed what I heard.

Husband of one of my close friend cheated her with another woman. Everyone “thought” they knew…but she did not, although they were having trouble. For her spouse, deep regret, shame, remorse, and humiliation set in. For her, anger, grief, disbelief, and a ‘avalanche of losses’, including the sweet memories of their marriage ceremony…gone.

While not a bad marriage, I wouldn’t call their marriage good either. It certainly isn’t what I want in a marriage. Some where along the way, they stopped really communicating and meeting each other’s emotional needs…though she never stopped loving my husband, and hasn’t still. “Did I nag too much? Did I do something wrong?” are the constant topics which she speculates often to gauge the reason behind the mistake which her husband made. She lingers on all the reasons he might have had an affair – the circumstances that created it, what’s missing inside her and in their relationship, etc.

Being an independent female, I wonder what makes her stay in a relationship and still wishing to be together until the end. Yes, she does BUT because they have a child together. Is that a big enough reason to make yourself suffer and re-living the moments of betrayal each day. No matter what the betrayal, it can gradually erode the relationship. She confesses that it’s not the betrayal by itself that caused most of the damage. It’s the poor way he handled the aftermath. My friend believes in handling betrayal is more important than the betrayal itself.

She is drowning in grief, engulfed in a sadness and emptiness I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. He has no regrets for his actions, but plenty of regrets to the reactions of being found out.Infidelity

It is believed that 70% of all marriages are touched by infidelity. Therapists have rated it one of the most common and devastating problems faced by their patients. They believes that sometimes, it takes this kind of life-changing event for couples to determine the real value of their marriage. It often becomes a catalyst for important and permanent changes – both in the relationship and for every person involved.

I understand that betrayals happen only after a spouse has been trying and trying to reach the other spouse who is unable or unwilling to be empathetic or nurturing. I am a big advocate of trying to fix relationships. But Infidelity of any sorts is out of question for me. Restoring trust in relationships after betrayal takes serious work- honesty, transparency and building a new foundation.

Seeing my friend struggling to keep her marriage alive and pretending to be happy so that her son respects his father as an ideal one, she gives me hope that there is a marital future after an infidelity. I don’t know how to deal with trust issues in a relationship, let alone find the courage to begin the process of forgiveness. Because for me that would be an exit from a relationship. Nothing can chart a new path — the path of trust.

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