General

Problem Child??!!

It always breaks my heart when I hear someone described as the “problem child” in their family. It has been my experience that the rest of the family are usually the (creators and) maintainers of the undertow that pulls the “problem child” under. Problem Child expresses all the family dysfunction.

Sometimes, someone who gets labeled as that has issues that have nothing to with what someone else did or did not do or for or to them and to blame “the family” for that is sometimes unfair. That said, I’m not fond of the label.

I’ve read somewhere that in family therapy, many times the dysfunction of a child is a manifestation of the dysfunction of the parent’s marriage, and you have to treat the marriage in order to adequately address the child’s issues.

Yes!

It’s a matter of changing the reasons for your behavior to fit within your value system, so you’re doing it “for you” and not “against anyone.”

Not that anyone needs to justify their behavior to anyone, but if pressed to explain, it’s often far stronger to draw boundaries by explaining that you’re doing it for yourself and not because of anything the other person is doing.

The phrase: “it’s not you, it’s me” often seems like a cop out when you’re breaking up with someone, like you’re trying to preserve someone else’s feelings, but when it’s honest, it does reflect a firmer foundation for action when your motivation comes from within. It reminds me of the extrovert who didn’t want to marry the introvert and used the Netflix incident to call it quits when “it’s me it’s not you” would have worked more strongly and blocked appeals for second chances.

As people age, they have fewer life choices. Some respond to this by becoming more adamant in those decisions. They see questioning those choices as judgment on their competency to make those decision.

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Double standards

Many people in India lead double lives, have double standards, and use words which often have double meanings. There is nothing different or unique being a Marwari, Gujarati, Bengali or Marathi (and other castes which exists in India). The women have been subjugated for centuries to lead a life of secondary status and denied the freedom to pursue their own interests. This article could well be applied to any one of these with equal ease, without the tag of being a Marwari or Gujarati or Bengali. Why should we become judgemental on a particular community and feel ourselves superior?

I don't speak for others or for any community. All I know is that each one has to decide where the limits to hypocrisy and double standards as well as freedom are in one's way of life. It is not fair to paint a picture of a few instances and make them a general representative of an entire community. Mind you, I am not disputing the truth of these incidents; they exist. I know several families where older generation is far more liberal and tolerant in its attitudes towards dress, religious beliefs and food etc than expected by the younger newly married daughters-in-law in the family but they are not written about as they are not representative of the entire community.
It takes time to get rid of hypocrisy in a conservative society and accept everyone on an equal basis, particularly in our country where prejudices and restrictions against females are deep-rooted in several aspects of their life.

But it is happening…one day at a time!!

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Conquer 

Women CAN and DO dream, achieve, inspire, celebrate, EXIST, LIVE, ENJOY around the world. And they do all this without any assistance from men.

This post is for all those who think men are superior than women. The truth is simple. Apart from them being biologically different from one another, and leaving physical attributes aside, there is ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE in the way they think, act, react or what they can do. 

They’re equal. They’re independent, they’re strong, they’re very aware of their surroundings and they’re not ready to be bogged down by regressive ideologies. The world would cease to exist if any one of them would cease to exist, then how can we not treat them equally?

Women command respect JUST like men, and they WILL get that respect. NOT just on this day. 

Let’s pledge to give everyone equal respect, equal opportunities to grow and prosper, so that the world grows as one unit and conquers as one unit.

And irrespective of these hindrances & many more. Some of us still conquer. Imagine what we could do if we had equal rights in society..!!

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Accessibility denied!

England is old. Like centuries old. Millennia old. It didn’t surprise me one bit that much of it was essentially inaccessible to wheelchair users. In fact, I was much more often surprised at the extent that so many businesses, and individual people, went to in order to be accessible. Same with France. They have lifts in the Louvre! I don’t even know how old that palace is, but I know it ain’t easy to retrofit lifts into a building essentially made of solid marble.

I find it infuriating that in this day and age a wheelchair user is unable to gain access to public points of interest. You hear every single day about being politically correct about race, religion and by sex/sexual preference yet there is nothing in place to support those who have disabilities… It’s a joke!

It’s playing on my mind now… If there was a note outside a club/ pub that said “no one who is white is allowed in this club” or “this is strictly a straight pub” or “this club is only for Christians, no other religion is allowed” there would be uproar! And rightly so! So when a wheelchair user is faced with steps and no other way to enter, that is basically what they are doing!!! But that is OK, no one ever says anything about that do they?

Disabled people should be treated the same as everyone else, they shouldn’t be made to feel an inconvenience or have to wait for a ramp to get into a building. I can understand a cab driver needing to get a ramp out, but seriously what is wrong with us? We allow this to happen. It is OK to discriminate against a disabled person but dare you do it to any of the named above. There would be hell to pay.

Even the replacement for the DDA, The Equalities Act 2010 has no mandatory punishment for offending businesses. It is still up to the Disabled person to bring a Private Prosecution to claim compensation for the inconvenience, loss or embarrassment encountered!

Some businesses want to upgrade their buildings but aren’t allowed because they are in a listed building. For a powerchair user, so many places are inaccessible.

My family just got back from Iceland (the country) and they were absolutely stunned at for a country covered in snow and ice- how wheelchair friendly it was – everything was accessible and everywhere was accessible. It’s a shame other countries and even some of the UK can’t follow suit.

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Chronic advice-pusher

There is someone related to me who always has some sort of “you should” comment for whatever I say. It would nice to be able to be close to this person, but their need to know and subsequent criticism has made it very unsafe for me (and the remaining relationship). So I did tell this person how I felt belittled and even demeaned by the impression they convey of how I am an imcompetent twit who only makes bad decisions or cant make decisions. The open conversation solution worked for about two minutes as far as their interaction style, but I felt better enough about myself after to be able to stick to the weather and not resent this person.

Filed in my “change yourself because you can’t change the other person” folder.

As someone who’s had to deal with “unsolicited advisors” in my family and my social circles, I am not sure that I agreed that all I did in a conversation is complain. I could be sharing the happiest news of my life and still receive advice on what I should do now to make things even better. Also, I’ve gone the “how about this weather?” route, and I’m not a huge fan. I still use it when I have to, but that just means I can never have a meaningful conversation with this person again even though I want to maintain our relationship.

How about being responsible for what I say that triggers those suggestions? Don’t mention problems. Don’t share annoyances. Stick to all the hundreds of things that are awesome in my life and talk about that. Also, LISTEN more and ASK more questions. 

No, it still doesnt work.

I know people who see everything as a complaint they need to fix. I could say, What a gorgeous sunrise this morning and they’ll respond, You shouldn’t have looked out the window! You could hurt your eyes! 

Some people are pushy buttinskies, but some people’s personalities mean they like to solve problems. If you’re telling me about your situation in a what-should-I-do way, I am going to offer advice, unless you tell me, “I’m just using you as a sounding board here.”  

Years ago I went through a professional Training Programme, and I came away with a few life-changing understandings:

1. Offering an easy fix (i.e., unsolicited advice) to someone else’s problem indicates that you think you can fix a difficult situation after listening to a problem for 10 minutes. It’s not respectful of the hours and days of wrestling the person has spent on the problem already, and more often than not, snap advice offers an “obvious” but unworkable solution. 

2. Are you planning to take responsibility for the outcome if someone takes your snap advice, especially if it doesn’t work out as predicted? The person themself will have to live the consequences, so they’d best make the decision themself.

Easier said than done, aint it?

For me, hearing somone continually moaning about an issue while doing nothing to fix it feels like watching a toddler trying to fit the square peg into the round hole and screaming in frustration. I do adjust when my friend requests a simple sounding board, but at some point, please stop asking me to be your partner in this conversation.

Ugh.

Some “Unsolicited Advice-Givers” are also subtle, manipulative “fishers”…they get their self-worth from fishing for other people’s problems, sometimes without even asking the person directly (they ask others what is going on or go through other’s things). People like this use other people’s problems as a way to avoid dealing with their own. Their closet has more skeletons than anyone else because they are too afraid to deal with their own problems first—then when they are called out for being meddling, play victim, whining about how they “try so hard and noone is grateful for their help”. No—they are just upset that they have nothing better to do than face their own demons. (For the record, I have a family member like this, who I’ve had to try to avoid as much as I can for decades because of this unhealthy obsession with this person wanting to fight other people’s battles).

Remember:

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Anti-rape Pants

https://youtu.be/fWZYsHJbrBY

Saw this video and its a sad world that this kind of thing even needs to exist 😦

While I very much appreciate the thought and effort that has been put into this product. I can’t help but feel two things. First is I instinctively cringe cause it looks like capitalization on rape. Now obviously I don’t claim to know the intentions of the people who developed this product. It’s just as an outsider with no background information that’s what it looks like. Second is that this is another “thing” that puts the responsibility on the victim. 

Why are we teaching people to wear this instead of stopping people being predators in the first place? This is pretty much saying it’s the victims fault and they should be the ones being careful rather than it being the sexual predators fault for violating someone else. On top of that, not all sexual offences are below the belt of the victim.

When would you wear these? ‘Ooh today, I think I better wear my anti-rape pants. Feeling like I might get raped today!’ I’m all for protecting people, but the idea of having to prepare for potential rape seems terrifying to me.

Then what happens when someone is raped, and everyone’s response is, “well they should have been wearing a rape nappy!”

This culture of blaming the victims needs to stop. It’s not a victims responsibility to prepare in case they are raped/mugged/assaulted etc. It’s the responsibility of society to educate the population that these acts are wrong and will not be tolerated!

People keep saying, why teach self defense, instead of teaching people not to do a crime in the first place.

Surely it’d be smarter to educate young people that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable? However, if “teaching people it’s wrong” worked, then we wouldn’t have any murderers or thieves either. People who rape know they’re doing something they shouldn’t do!

There isn’t a rape culture, because nothing in our culture condones or promotes rape. Saying that rape culture exists is like saying murder culture exists, or that there’s a fraud culture. There can be things done to lessen rape, but it will never be completely gone, neither will murder. Teaching people ‘not to rape’ will never work because it’s not a matter of education or knowledge as to how rape is wrong (on a potential rapists part), it’s a matter of skewed moral backing and apathy for the victims feelings.

A lot of rapists already know it’s wrong but they do it anyway. 

When you ask rapists a lot of them are in denial about what they did was rape. Like literally they’ll justify it as “she didn’t say no! (She was unconscious)”.

As great as these seem what seems to have been forgotten is that sexual predators don’t attack for the sex. They attack for the power and control it gives them. If they can’t get it one way they’ll get it another which could be just as damaging if not life threatening 😢. That’s why self defense needs to be taught.

What I don’t agree with however (and I’m not accusing you of doing this) is the societal response that a victim could have some how encouraged the rape. 

When it comes to taking a stand on crimes against women, we are reminded each time that women always have a past, while men have a future waiting, anxiously to roll out the red carpet for them, under which can be brushed all the wrongs they commit.
It would just be nice to see more in “media” about how we’re dealing with those responsible for committing rape and less about how victims could or could have prevent(ed) it.

Tell me again, how men are under attack because of feminism. And I’ll tell you women need rape whistles, pepper spray, and now this.

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Saying “No” should be enough…

Saying “No” is not enough these days. Hence “Angel Shots” is the new code introduced in the market. Heard about it?

It seems this started in a restaurant bar in Florida. They had a sign hanging in the bathroom. The entire staff is trained to know what to do. It’s a policy of the establishment and a part of the employee training, the whole point is it is policy and the entire staff know what to do. 

Anywhere else, most bartenders will have no idea what you’re talking about.

This might be a good idea! Every bar should have a code like this posted in the women’s restroom. More women find themselves in dangerous situations with men they do know than absolute strangers. 

But, why not just say “I need help!”

Or when you are in the bathroom text the police or a friend?

Write on a napkin?

Or maybe stop hooking up with a picture on Tinder, Facebook or Craig’s list??

Anyway it is a sad commentary on society.

During my teenage years, my parents and I had our own code. If I ever need help then I would simply call home and say “mom I’m having a great time at…” and they would come to pick me up, no questions asked. Before anyone says it won’t work, it did and it does. I always tell my husband where I’m going. And we have our own code – “honey I am having a great time at…”. 😉

However guys get in trouble on dates and may need a safe out too. What code do we suggest for them?

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Tilikum

Today, the most exploited orca in Sea World’s history has passed away. RIP.

The life span of killer whales in captivity is only 17 for males and 29 for females. In the wild they live to be over 100. An animal with an average life span of 70 years just died in under 40 in captivity. 

Captivity kills. Does Sea World cares? Nah. This is the real reason Tilikum was so important to them.

Be angry with Sea World but also be angry with the people who keep them in business.

In light of Tilikum’s tragic death, please take  some time out of your day to watch the documentary Blackfish – the film that made the world aware of Tilikum’s plight & of others still suffering in capitvity. No animal, big or small, deserves to be caged for the entirety of its life.

Tilikum. Now you are free.

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What culture are we talking about??

The use of the word ‘culture’ to sustain social standards really amazes me, because culture is what’s happening in the now.

What happened 500 years ago is culturally different from what happened 5000 years ago and you can’t really pin any of it as a benchmark.

What culture are we choosing to enforce? Only fair then that all men discard western clothing and work in fields for cultural preservation.

Why should only women practice culture in their clothing and profession? We should all race backwards to the medieval age to follow culture.

By this argument, Indian men have destroyed culture more than anyone, by wearing trousers, shirts and doing 21st century jobs.

So even if you factor conservative thinking, it is the Indian man who led us all into a “ruined” western module of life, women only adapted.

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A quick laugh…

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