Tears are an emotional response too

It is the classic complaint: men accuse women of being too emotional and women accuse men of not being emotional enough. Each thinks the other could just decide to be different – if they really wanted to. Yes, it is scientifically proven that the brain circuitry for emotional processing is different in men and women. But the emotional connection is always a desired state in a relationship.

Dear Mr. K,

I can understand that my crying or wailing might make you uncomfortable, but I would like you to understand that for me, or at least many women, crying is venting. It happens, we feel better afterwards, and we try to lessen the shame of it by frantically dabbing at our face with a tissue to remove the various types of liquids that have gathered there (and mascaras cost!). Too often, when I cry, I feel ashamed, silly or weak, when in reality I am simply connected with my feelings, and want sympathy and hugs from YOU.

Crying is a show of emotion, but it is also an opportunity for us to become closer. Also to suggest to those around me that I need something – warm tight hug or a kiss. Yes, it can be uncomfortable for you but with all this in mind, how is it a simple natural and evolutionary function seems to elicit disgust in you to tell me to “Go away and cry”? (Ouch!)

But personally, I don’t think men are the only ones who want to stop a woman crying. I know if I see someone, anyone, who is upset, I feel motivated to reach out and ask the person if they are okay. Some guys can see a women’s tears as manipulative, and maybe some women do use it that way, but I do not. And when I cry it’s a very real emotional response.

Society seems to discourage crying in men, perhaps that’s why, like other men, you have been forced to cope with you emotions in other ways. So it makes sense that you might feel confused by a woman who cries often, or sometimes, because for a guy crying is a sign of weakness, it’s when they’ve let their guard down. And they seem to believe you only really cry if something is ‘really’ wrong.

If I am talking about a topic that has an obvious solution, I can probably solve it myself. If you point this out to me, you are missing the point of me talking to you in the first place, which simply to share with you my feelings so you can get closer to me. I am also ‘offloading’ emotion; it’s just how I deal with it and you are the special person I chose to do that with. Why are you special? Because I trust you to care, I trusts you to hear me, to accept me and show compassion and warmth. I don’t want this from anyone else.

My tears are my way of letting my guard down around you and relieving my emotional internal pressure. Hug me, listen to me, and simply just be near me. I know that you aren’t proud of you knee-jerk reactions (read: anger), but I consider it ‘to be a man thing’. All I would like you to be a little more patient and tolerant to me.

Teary-eyed: Mrs.K

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Getting naughty..

Every woman wants to be beautiful in her husband’s eyes, no matter what her size or age is. She would do just about anything to attain a desirable image for him.

When I got married, I was swamped with me advices on how to survive the long distance relationship as we both had to live in different countries until I get my spouse visa to join my husband. “Ah well, why not? This gotta be fun!“, I thought to myself.

Trust me, maintaining a long distance relationship is like being on a roller-coaster ride without losing emotional balance yet maintaining sanity. Hence, to spice our long-distance romance, I thought of trying something out of my comfort zone – sent naughty-little-revealing pictures of myself to my husband. It is not like if I have gone out of my way to be nice to someone (dunno, like making a nice meal or sourcing the perfect present that he has been talking about for ages) and his response was…. nothing. OUCH!!

For a guy who isn’t used to getting anything like can have a problem deciding the appropriate response and go with absolute minimum so he doesn’t end up saying something dumb. But for my husband who has been in relationships earlier and, just like any man, has also pleased himself to porn/raunchy pics, I got no response/reaction. When I asked him of how it made him “feel”, he said how do you want me to feel considering the fact we had a conversation (read: tiff) earlier to do that and you decided to feel horny after that. Well dear husband, that was my way of cooling you down (could be virual make-up s** whilst being miles away from you).

When you are in an unexpectedly new situation that you have never been in before, it’s very easy to second guess yourself out of common sense. I didn’t do it for the validation so much as I want to show him I am thinking about him which makes me horny during the day, and to let him know that he is special. If I want to fulfill some exhibitionist desires and get meaningless validation about my looks, I will post them on social network (ofcourse under a different name).

A simple – ‘damn baby you look great! I miss you and can’t wait to see/jump you later is all the response I expect(ed) to get. I was expecting you know a winky face back or anything.

If he wanted, he could have told me how hot I looked, how I made him feel because of it, hard horny etc., or how much he wants me to beside him followed by what I would want to do to her. Something along those lines I think, hmm. If he would continue with that train then maybe I would try to make it literotical.

I was not expecting him to respond with a sexy pic in return (or could if he wants to? ;)). I understand that the male body isn’t sexualized nearly as much but “out of the shower in towel” shots, “Grabbing for my dick in underwear” shots and something with forearms in it doesn’t require a body made of granite. So yeah, if he did, I would indeed reply with something maybe more sexual.

It seems, sometimes guys wouldn’t get a hint if it knocked on the door and introduced itself.

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Need to look in the mirror again..

2 months into our marriage:

Despite all the love and longing-ness to be together soon, we didn’t realize how common the bickering will become, and we still haven’t started staying together. We might wonder if we did the right thing. It won’t always be easy and you’ll occasionally question your judgment…but it won’t take you long to get your answer. It’s a very fleeting doubt and just spending time in the company of this human being you love unconditionally means that marriage was the best decision you ever made.

Recently, our fights are an outcome of my emotional turmoil (relocating to a new country) and his logical mind (Why would you say that? What did you mean by that? Why…?). I wish we both can meet midway when this happens. I beg and cry and do all sorts of unbecoming things to convince him to understand me emotionally. All I am losing is my self-respect.

I had vowed never to be that way again – never to put someone on a pedestal – never to be in a one – way relationship where I have to beg someone to understand me. But then, I have never loved someone like I love him.

If I don’t think I am worthy, it’s really hard to inspire my man to think so, much less dedicate his life to me.

Let’s look at this from the other side:

Will I be inspired by a man who is weak, needy, and insecure?
A man who needs constant attention?
A man who doesn’t trust that you love him?
A man who is convinced he is too good for me and that he is going to leave me for someone else?

Probably not. That man would be exhausting.

But isn’t that what love is all about? Knowing each others’ flaws and accepting them anyway?  Ultimately, the answer is yes. But in a budding relationship, it doesn’t matter how much you love each other; all that matters is whether you are both equally bought in.girl_with_mirror_by_nami86

The more he pulled away; the needier I got.  The needier I got, the less he wants me/ to be with me.

How could I prove myself to him? What could I do differently?

“Sorry” he said. “You may think whatever you want. Its your issue. You’re too anxious. Too difficult. Too emotional. Not secure.”

I need to find a way to express my needs without turning into doormats. The question is whether I believe in myself the way I should.

If not, I may need to look in the mirror again.

 

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Fight hard but LOVE harder!

Bitter words, bad attitude, biting comments. Contempt is evident. (Check) – Both sides are defensive. (Check) – And my husband stonewalls. (Check).

My K and I knew we want to be married as soon as we met, and we didn’t play games with each other. We got engaged 3 weeks after our first meeting and married 3 months later. Having lived independently most our lives, we live with the delusion that we are mostly right and that our partner need to change. It is a good start, but I am partnered with another human being–with his own needs, desires, plans and schedules. I think we both get wrapped up in our own frustrations and we don’t even realize how our patterns of communication hurt our relationship. It takes effort to speak to one’s spouse gently and lovingly sometimes, but it does pay off in the long run. We clearly love each other and soft words turns away wrath.

fightWhen things become challenging or frustrating or unsatisfying in a marriage, it is common to develop the fantasy that there must be something out there that’s better. And the truth is, there probably is something out there that’s easier or more exciting or more fun. But, sinners marry sinners!!😉 Which, oddly enough, make for a frequently painful first year of marriage.

I have become blindingly infuriated with my husband over some pretty dumb stuff. Last time when we fought, I called my BFF living miles away just to cry my heart out and how we might have made a wrong decision (oh yes, frequent fights over nothing can turn sanest person to re-think and I am just plain Jane). Having known me for 18 years and being married for 10 years herself, she gave me a nice perspective, a sweet sentiment along the lines of “you both will do really stupid things sometimes, but remember–he’s crazy about you just like you are about him”.

I have married a really great guy and I cannot picture my life without him. I owe it to myself, and to each other, to try and address what is causing issues, and see if they can be fixed. He has been honest about his feelings as he is having them, or after he has had a chance to figure them out. He just might not be doing so in the way I would prefer, but he is honoring his commitment to me.

He is the one for me, and God knows that he is the one I need in so many ways. I figure that’s why HE has put us together.

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My hubby’s British sense of humor…

Married to an amazing British guy, I have actively made a conscious effort to learn the angle of British humour. (Yes, Mr K, you read it right!).

But it was not so easy as it sounds. There were huffs and puffs caused due to his occasional witty, tongue-in-cheek comment. I found myself in situations where I just couldn’t tell if it was harmless remark/ banter or a serious conversation. It might tickle some people, however my brain is fortunately or unfortunately wired differently to function at a different wavelength.

I have grown up in India and its globally known that Indian humour lacks sarcasm (i.e. Chandler Bing type of humour) but I grew up watching a fair share of Friends and and have briefly worked for few years in US as well. In both places, there is a time and place for humor. In England, this seems not to be the case.

I still am struggling to get his unique Brit humour. But I would agree that it is teaching me (in a harsh way) to not take myself too seriously. It also makes light of tough situations, which is a good thing (sometimes) because when things look grim, it definitely helps to laugh.

Mr K’s humor is almost always deadpan – there will be no sign in red neon lights telling you ‘This Is The Joke’…rather a playful exchange of verbal sparring delivered with a smiling face and no apology. Basically, humour is his default setting – he is always looking to spice up our day with a sprinkle of laughter.

Ah, well!!🙂

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Perception IS reality

We all have strengths and weaknesses. I think that mine are pretty obvious.

I am experienced…but that may make me more rigid in my beliefs.

I am opinionated…but also prone to rubbing people the wrong way.

I am emotional…but it can be hard for logical people to connect with me.

I am balanced…but that can be frustrating when I want someone to pamper me.

Some men might think I am a sell-out to woman for demanding better behavior from men. Some women think I favor men because I often play devil’s advocate with women.

The only reason I bring this up is because I think it’s important to know how I am perceived by others. Believe me, the truth hurts, and it’s far easier to not acknowledge others’ perceptions at all. I mean seriously, do you think it feels good to confess that I can be perceived as cold, stubborn and rigid? Of course not.

And while I may not entirely agree with the assessment myself, the point is that perception IS reality. There’s how you see yourself. There’s how others see you. The two don’t always line up.

After all, you do FEEL insecure. I look in the mirror and see an attractive woman who, I believe, is kind and generous to loved ones. I am bright and competent at work.

So, how dare I feel insecure?

This is where perception becomes reality. Because it doesn’t matter if I feel secure if I ACT insecure. If I am in a relationship where I give but don’t receive. If I are afraid to have an authentic conversation with my partner. I have acted insecure.

These actions send a loud and clear subliminal message to any one: I don’t value myself enough to speak my mind. I don’t value myself enough to demand fair treatment. I don’t value myself enough to expect commitment. And if I don’t value myself enough to expect more from anyone, I will continue to get less than I deserve from them.

I can’t help but wonder if I want to make any changes in my life or am I undeserving for love and affection from anyone..

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Utterly, Butterly, Delicious!!!

Image Source: India Today

Image Source: India Today

Every child is thrilled and often found dressing up like their favorite mascots on their eateries, and so did I. My mother made me believe that I resembled the Amul girl and tricked me in drinking Amul milk and eating Amul dairy products because of it. (Ah..parenting!!)

Amul girl – This is one mascot who has never ‘misundertood’ and her point is always taken with a pinch of butter by every Indian. Her sarcasm is equally thought-provoking even though as funny as she can be. She is faster than our daily newspaper, and is believed to have more fans than most Bollywood superstars. From politicians to bollywood superstars to cricketers to common man, everyone have been featured with Amul Girl. I believe she is the only one who’s extra bit of cheekiness was not intended but never denied either.

The Amul ads have often been described as one of the best Indian Advertising concepts because of their humor, with puns being its forte, and their penchant of picking up on current events to bring home a point.

As one of the Indian advertisement guru, Bharat Dabholkar, aptly describes her “The utterly butterly Amul girl was one of the best political commentators we have ever had”.

Who is your favorite mascot?

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Should we trust our “Cloud Nine” feelings??

Mr K and I started talking to each other in Oct 2015, and we had that instant recognition, mutually. Within 6 months – BOOM! we were married. Distance separates Mr K and I by thousand of miles and it will remain the same for few more (urghh…tedious visa process). Therefore, I chose to fly down to Mr K to be with him for a week (a romantic person – well, I am!!). Anyways, I just wanted to be beside him, next to him… It felt completely natural and normal to suddenly find the person I want to be with, to have a life and family with. Love and romance can blind us to all kinds of information. So glad I didn’t marry everyone I loved. At the risk of sounding dramatic, I didn’t want anyone else.

Love is not a product of reasonings and statistics.
It just comes — none knows whence —
and cannot explain itself.

~ Mark Twain Eve’s Diary

 I have known people who moved very fast and stayed happily committed for many years. I have known others who took it more slowly, where it seemed they were really getting to now each other, and still were not successful in the long run. We took a crucial decision of spending our life together ‘for better or for worse’ but as my wise man says that he knows he made the right choice (ah, I am on cloud nine! *blush*).

Some couples have only one person head-over-heels up-front, with the other person much more mildly or slowly growing interested. In our relationship, we are one or another in different situations. I love how we can balance each other despite that mild cultural difference. I know: It’s not romantic, but we seem to be in LOVE!love is

When two people feel the same level of love attraction to one another, a relationship can be rewarding and unstressed. But sometimes, one person or the other feels much stronger attraction than the other does. And that can be uncomfortable to even painful for both individuals, eventually. And then we pick on petty stupid stuff on which we laugh later.

Sounds to me as if it’s the way it’s “supposed to” work, as long as we stipulate that there is no such thing as how it’s “supposed to” work. A lifetime isn’t made up of just this week or the past few weeks — and a future life will need plenty of time to unfurl its petals so you can see it. There’s no guarantee that we will know each other completely in a year or in many years or not at all, but when chemicals and hormones will wear off, we will have a better ability to see things as they are.

Dear Mr. K, it won’t always be easy and we will occasionally question our judgment but as we will get along together, we will see more and more aspects of each other, and I am sure we will fall in love more. Why do I know so? 10 years back we spoke for a bit –  so you see we had won the “lottery” a long, long time ago, but instead of checking our numbers, we just kept buying more tickets. (You know what I mean ;-))

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Give another chance, can you?

Whilst I am trying to keep things light around because I am in the happiest phase of my life, sometimes things like relationships becomes a weighty subject.

Like it did for a dear friend of mine – let me call her Annie.

After a string of dates with a series of losers, players, flakes and bores, her next foray into the dating world led her to the classic selfish jerk. She meets a promising man. He’s employed. He’s interesting. He’s passionate about the world around him. He says he wants to get married one day. He seems normal – you know how hard it is to find a normal guy.

But life turned around for her soon enough. He put her down and manipulated her every chance he got. Being inexperienced, she assumed this was normal. Her confidence plummeted, and even after discovering his infidelity few times she didn’t have the courage to break it off with him. She even moved to a different country to be with this man. Basically, she tried everything (Love is blind for many). She didn’t think she was doing anything wrong, and didn’t feel she deserved any better.

In one of their parties, her man’s best friend forced himself onto her. Next day, she confided in her man as he was the only person she really knew who would understand and support her during her emotional distress.

Instead of supporting, he laughed at her. This ignorant “man” told her she “was only good for sex anyway.”

Tragically, part of her believed him.

It’s easy to see why Annie is now terrified of relationships. Even when she meets a guy that seems nice, she rules them out fearing he’s another jerk. She’s wounded and in her own words, “cynical.”

We know intellectually that not every man is as bad as the ones we have encountered. It would be a huge mistake to blame each new guy for the sins of the men in our past.

Nonetheless, moving on is not as easy as snapping our fingers and putting trauma such as infidelity and emotional cruelty behind us. Our experiences are very real, very painful, and they are bound to shade our whole view of the world.

We need to remind ourselvesJust please don’t let them determine it.

Yes, easier said than done!

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Cycle of miscommunication..!!

Most couples discover the happiness and intimacy in the early days of their courtship but being 4562 miles away creates a wedge between us and I don’t know how to break the patterns of behavior that were causing the problem. Mr. K always said “There is going to be distance. Deal with it.” But I was unable to and even now.

The worst and most difficult part are our arguments or rather tiffs. Suddenly, all those old fears come back once again.

“What did I do wrong?”
“How can I fix this?”
“Should I call him? Text him? Ignore him?”
“How can I get him back? ”

When our arguments happen in person, there is some sort of physical comfort, some way to look each other in the eyes and hug the other person to calm down. This isn’t always the case miles away so in many ways it definitely is more difficult.

After many huffs and puffs, I assessed that our ‘culturally’ different communication styles and infrequent communication patterns were creating a wedge between us which Mr K was unable to understand, and I was seeing our intimate and supportive relationship turning into one of loneliness, disinterest or contempt. I got the feeling that due to the frequent tiffs, he was trying to escape from any sort of conflict. Probably, he doesn’t deal with emotions as openly as I do hence its often (read: always) seems that I am complaining, unhappy or needy or demanding sympathy. I never knew such adjectives can be associated with me (but hey, marriage is a mirror to self!)

Being in a long distance marriage, Mr. K and I tried really hard to dodge any sort of arguments (but have not succeeded so far). Arguments are triggered by me as I am told while his anger is a manifestation of those in his defense.

All I want us to understand and learn in this miscommunication cycle is: If we start to argue over something, we take a step back and determine if it’s something really worth arguing over. 95% of the time, it’s just something stupid and we have to move on.

It’s not sustaining the love that’s tough, it’s getting through the normal bumps when we are oceans apart. So far we have developed communication skills and habits that will help us misunderstand/misinterpret a little less and are growing stronger and more mature in the process. But there is a call for sanity, a breath of fresh air to remind me to stop beating myself up each time it doesn’t work out as intended. Its simple – Just like one cant do the right thing with the wrong person, one can’t do the wrong thing with the right one.

Distance doesn’t makes me tired. Life does. Uff, the big, bad world of Long Distance Relationship. And establishing a long-distance relationship is tough, I am not going to lie.

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