Posts Tagged With: Love

Anxiety is hopelessness..

Anxiety is thinking you have everything under control,It’s feeling like your on top of the mountain,
Today you can handle anything, today you will conquer it all,
It’s assuming that everything will be okay because it is,
It’s getting out of bed, taking a shower, getting dressed doing your makeup,

It’s being prepared to leave the house,

You practically skip to your car,
You get in, close the door, and you glance in the mirror,
Oops.
Anxiety is the rapid and sudden loss of control,
You slipped and now your rapidly spiraling back down the mountain,
It’s smashing into a brick wall that goes on forever,
It’s a flip of a switch and it doesn’t always make sense,
..I was just okay..I am okay..
It’s waking up with your heart pounding your breathing rapid,
There’s a golf ball in your throat,
You can’t breathe around it,
It’s the shaking hands,
Can’t look anyone in the eyes,
Begging someone to come help,
But praying no one comes near you,
It’s a sudden reeling loss of control,
And you just don’t know what to do,
And there’s nothing anyone else can do,
It’s the tears you won’t let fall because they won’t help,
It’s begging god for a sedative. 
You are okay but you are absolutely not okay,
There is nothing okay about how you feel,
If you don’t have anxiety you cannot understand what it feels like to have absolutely no idea what to do,
Regulating your breathing but your fingers and toes are tingling.
A war in your head you don’t always understand.
You know you need to breathe in for four hold for seven out for six,
You know you need to breathe all the way in and in again,
You know it’s just a panic attack,
You know you are okay,
You know it will be okay,
But you don’t know what to do.
Anxiety is getting your breathing under control,
Regulating your heart rate,

Plastering on a smile,

And pretending everything is okay,
Even though there’s a thundercloud behind you that you just can’t escape.
Pretending you aren’t barely holding on, to what?
It is wanting to claw at your skin and crawl out of your body because there is no reason for things to be this overwhelming and wrong.
Anxiety is the pure joy of feeling like you have control,
And the depression of being thrown back to the sharks,
Constantly trying to balance your racing mind and react the way you should if you were okay,
It’s learning how to smile just right, laugh just so, tilt your head and nod like your listening but you just can’t focus,
It’s so desperately wanting to just be normal, 
It’s knowing you should be enjoying something but you just aren’t,
It’s choosing not to go out, not to get up, not to move forward.
It is your mind creating irrational fears of things you don’t need to fear,
Anxiety is hopelessness,
But it’s not hopeless.

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Categories: Muddled Thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

“Not my problem”?? Its you.

Any partner who sees their partner suffering and, whether the reason is reasonable or not, says “It’s not my problem. It’s you” is not a partner. 

Partnership is about coming together when things are hard, not distancing from it. This is a basic tenet of any good relationship – empathy and compassion for the other person, not to mention if what you are doing is hurting the other person, stopping it. You do not have to accept less than that because you have mental issues.

I think there is something to be said for not being overly anxious or insecure when our significant others have friends they could potentially be attracted to. That being said, though, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a line in which loyalties end up being compromised. So, I’m not sure that I agree that this is totally our thing to figure out. Some of the activities might seem to be potentially problematic and tiptoeing up to some line of inappropriateness (it’s one of those things where even if you can’t define the line, you sort of recognize it when it shows up). Also, if some of those behaviors are painful to you, they are painful to you, and a good partner will at least try to be sensitive to that rather than say it’s totally your thing to figure out.

Partner’s behavior would make one feel insecure. It doesn’t have to be “is he going to have an affair”; it can just be “is our connection dying on the vine and am I seeing the signs of it in the way he is no longer prioritizing me”.

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When joy and grief are knitted together…

I could barely read this but its a good read.

https://driftingthrough.com/2015/01/30/lessons-from-the-worst-day-of-my-life-2/
The lessons are invaluable and at least the experience has left us with those.

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Love is…

First day of the year and I am more excited than anyone. Another beautiful chapter to be written over a year.

Excitedly I opened my gifted journal to the first question. It happens to be the most over-used and misunderstood word – LOVE. It is never easy to define love…or is it?

Infatuation is not love.

Attention is not love.

Sex is not love.

Love is mysterious.

I don’t know if I believe in the idea of soul mates or love at first sight. But I do believe that I have someone who is exactly right for me. Not because he was perfect, or because I was, but because our combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two individuals fit like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

When we are incomplete, we are always searching for somebody to complete us. But, after a few years of a relationship, we blame our partners for the feeling of un-fulfillment. Let’s admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us. Choosing to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure. The most painful thing is losing ourself in the process of loving someone too much or expecting someone to love us in a certain way, and forgetting that we are special too.

People like to say love is unconditional, but even so it definitely should come with a disclaimer. Falling in love is easy but staying in love is a huge responsibility. It’s like someone wants you to be happy and that makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won’t be happy unless you are. Phew – now that’s a vicious cycle and a responsibility! But if there is always an expectation attached – something in return, then its heading to a disaster. 

We will question our partner if they really love us. We will ask this a dozen times but do we ever ask if they are mad at us. When someone is angry, we don’t doubt it for a moment. Thus the reverse should be true also. We doubt the positive qualities in others, but seldom the negative. Why do we doubt the negative in life instead of having faith in the positive? Is it so difficult? Are we engineered like that?

We secretly wish for that special person who is right for us. But if we happen to have kissed a few frogs, we begin to suspect the existence of the prince. Why is so? Was I wrong in some way to find partners who were wrong in a complementary way? I don’t think that’s the case – they helped me a lot to grow fully into my own wrongness.

And it isn’t until we finally overcome our deepest fears, our courage of taking another change – the ones that make us truly who we are – that we are ready to find a lifelong partner. Only then do we finally know what we are looking for. But not just any wrong person: the right-wrong person – someone we lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. I think as we grow wiser with time, we are more willing with our accumulated courage take a chance on someone. Becoming soul-mates takes a lifetime to perfect. We have to recognize that there cannot be any relationship unless there is commitment, loyalty, love, patience, and persistence.

It’s said that “When God knows we are ready for commitment, He will reveal the right person even under the wrong circumstances.” I strongly believe in it because I found that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way – someone who knows the shape of my fears and contour my dreams.

Its amazing how a person who was a stranger suddenly meant the world to me. He deserves the world and one day I will find out how to give it to him.

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My resolution shortcomings..

Whenever I try to set resolutions for the coming year, I can never remember what I resolved to do that year. One I remember was that I had promised myself last year to blog more frequently – failed miserably even with the best intentions. Thus I thought that I will not set any failure-doomed resolutions.

However it seems universe work towards your best intention. Among few of my (first) christmas gifts my loving husband Mr K gave me a journal book as he knows I love to write. Its an amazing journal book which will trigger new blog posts as it involves answering one question a day. Brilliant gift for a lazy bum like me, ain’t it? Whoever said that your spouse knows you better than anyone else was actually right. 



The only resolution I am looking forward to fulfill is blogging. I am not promising to write each day but definitely more frequently as questions in this journal are intriguingly interesting!!

Anyways…

New horizons are before us all the time. The turn of the calendar is an arbitrary line to draw. Still, here’s to glorious horizons in 2017.

Last day of 2016 and I am thankful for so many things. It was a blessed year for me in so many ways and hoping it continues in 2017.

Was working on my thank you list this morning 🙂 best way to end the year.

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Should we trust our “Cloud Nine” feelings??

Mr K and I started talking to each other in Oct 2015, and we had that instant recognition, mutually. Within 6 months – BOOM! we were married. Distance separates Mr K and I by thousand of miles and it will remain the same for few more (urghh…tedious visa process). Therefore, I chose to fly down to Mr K to be with him for a week (a romantic person – well, I am!!). Anyways, I just wanted to be beside him, next to him… It felt completely natural and normal to suddenly find the person I want to be with, to have a life and family with. Love and romance can blind us to all kinds of information. So glad I didn’t marry everyone I loved. At the risk of sounding dramatic, I didn’t want anyone else.

Love is not a product of reasonings and statistics.
It just comes — none knows whence —
and cannot explain itself.

~ Mark Twain Eve’s Diary

 I have known people who moved very fast and stayed happily committed for many years. I have known others who took it more slowly, where it seemed they were really getting to now each other, and still were not successful in the long run. We took a crucial decision of spending our life together ‘for better or for worse’ but as my wise man says that he knows he made the right choice (ah, I am on cloud nine! *blush*).

Some couples have only one person head-over-heels up-front, with the other person much more mildly or slowly growing interested. In our relationship, we are one or another in different situations. I love how we can balance each other despite that mild cultural difference. I know: It’s not romantic, but we seem to be in LOVE!love is

When two people feel the same level of love attraction to one another, a relationship can be rewarding and unstressed. But sometimes, one person or the other feels much stronger attraction than the other does. And that can be uncomfortable to even painful for both individuals, eventually. And then we pick on petty stupid stuff on which we laugh later.

Sounds to me as if it’s the way it’s “supposed to” work, as long as we stipulate that there is no such thing as how it’s “supposed to” work. A lifetime isn’t made up of just this week or the past few weeks — and a future life will need plenty of time to unfurl its petals so you can see it. There’s no guarantee that we will know each other completely in a year or in many years or not at all, but when chemicals and hormones will wear off, we will have a better ability to see things as they are.

Dear Mr. K, it won’t always be easy and we will occasionally question our judgment but as we will get along together, we will see more and more aspects of each other, and I am sure we will fall in love more. Why do I know so? 10 years back we spoke for a bit –  so you see we had won the “lottery” a long, long time ago, but instead of checking our numbers, we just kept buying more tickets. (You know what I mean ;-))

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Give another chance, can you?

Whilst I am trying to keep things light around because I am in the happiest phase of my life, sometimes things like relationships becomes a weighty subject.

Like it did for a dear friend of mine – let me call her Annie.

After a string of dates with a series of losers, players, flakes and bores, her next foray into the dating world led her to the classic selfish jerk. She meets a promising man. He’s employed. He’s interesting. He’s passionate about the world around him. He says he wants to get married one day. He seems normal – you know how hard it is to find a normal guy.

But life turned around for her soon enough. He put her down and manipulated her every chance he got. Being inexperienced, she assumed this was normal. Her confidence plummeted, and even after discovering his infidelity few times she didn’t have the courage to break it off with him. She even moved to a different country to be with this man. Basically, she tried everything (Love is blind for many). She didn’t think she was doing anything wrong, and didn’t feel she deserved any better.

In one of their parties, her man’s best friend forced himself onto her. Next day, she confided in her man as he was the only person she really knew who would understand and support her during her emotional distress.

Instead of supporting, he laughed at her. This ignorant “man” told her she “was only good for sex anyway.”

Tragically, part of her believed him.

It’s easy to see why Annie is now terrified of relationships. Even when she meets a guy that seems nice, she rules them out fearing he’s another jerk. She’s wounded and in her own words, “cynical.”

We know intellectually that not every man is as bad as the ones we have encountered. It would be a huge mistake to blame each new guy for the sins of the men in our past.

Nonetheless, moving on is not as easy as snapping our fingers and putting trauma such as infidelity and emotional cruelty behind us. Our experiences are very real, very painful, and they are bound to shade our whole view of the world.

We need to remind ourselvesJust please don’t let them determine it.

Yes, easier said than done!

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Cycle of miscommunication..!!

Most couples discover the happiness and intimacy in the early days of their courtship but being 4562 miles away creates a wedge between us and I don’t know how to break the patterns of behavior that were causing the problem. Mr. K always said “There is going to be distance. Deal with it.” But I was unable to and even now.

The worst and most difficult part are our arguments or rather tiffs. Suddenly, all those old fears come back once again.

“What did I do wrong?”
“How can I fix this?”
“Should I call him? Text him? Ignore him?”
“How can I get him back? ”

When our arguments happen in person, there is some sort of physical comfort, some way to look each other in the eyes and hug the other person to calm down. This isn’t always the case miles away so in many ways it definitely is more difficult.

After many huffs and puffs, I assessed that our ‘culturally’ different communication styles and infrequent communication patterns were creating a wedge between us which Mr K was unable to understand, and I was seeing our intimate and supportive relationship turning into one of loneliness, disinterest or contempt. I got the feeling that due to the frequent tiffs, he was trying to escape from any sort of conflict. Probably, he doesn’t deal with emotions as openly as I do hence its often (read: always) seems that I am complaining, unhappy or needy or demanding sympathy. I never knew such adjectives can be associated with me (but hey, marriage is a mirror to self!)

Being in a long distance marriage, Mr. K and I tried really hard to dodge any sort of arguments (but have not succeeded so far). Arguments are triggered by me as I am told while his anger is a manifestation of those in his defense.

All I want us to understand and learn in this miscommunication cycle is: If we start to argue over something, we take a step back and determine if it’s something really worth arguing over. 95% of the time, it’s just something stupid and we have to move on.

It’s not sustaining the love that’s tough, it’s getting through the normal bumps when we are oceans apart. So far we have developed communication skills and habits that will help us misunderstand/misinterpret a little less and are growing stronger and more mature in the process. But there is a call for sanity, a breath of fresh air to remind me to stop beating myself up each time it doesn’t work out as intended. Its simple – Just like one cant do the right thing with the wrong person, one can’t do the wrong thing with the right one.

Distance doesn’t makes me tired. Life does. Uff, the big, bad world of Long Distance Relationship. And establishing a long-distance relationship is tough, I am not going to lie.

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Am married… :)

Happy-Wedding-Game-Over_v130_400x

Yes, yes, yes!! I got married. Yayyy.

So cool, great experience. I recommend marriage for almost anyone who is willing to commit to someone for the rest of their life. It feels AWESOME!!

While I was having jitters, I was completely and totally in love with Mr. K (as how I would refer my new husband). “Once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale. Having met him was mine”.

This blog will now have a beautiful and fresh perspective on my newly formed relationship, unlike when I started writing this blog.

Ofcourse, I will be more active on my blog now and you will be hearing more about him. Just wanted to shatter few keys to let my virtual friends know how happy I am. Btw, one of the perks of getting married to him – he is my cuddle-buddy! (Territory marked now)

Please keep Mr. K and me in your prayers as we seek blessings from everyone as we embark on this beautiful journey.

Categories: General, Relationship | Tags: , , , , | 3 Comments

Long distance…

I have never, never, never ever been in a long distance relationship. So when we met and later committed to each other, I never realized the emotional-coaster ride I am putting myself into. I anticipated the initial long distance, being in different countries but never factored that his job will still keep him away even if I cross the oceans to be in the same country as him. As we start to plan our wedding, I never realized that I will act crazy and stupid to blow up my relationship with him. I already get the feeling that I have pushed him away and made him distant despite the distance…:(

All I want from him is to:

1. Randomly clue me in. Share with me what he is thinking when I am not probing him for information, tell me about his thoughts and dreams, make me believe I am worthy of his secret thoughts.

2. Give me a call or drop me a text when he is out with his friends/ colleagues or far away for work (if network permits) to let me know that I am on his mind even when we are apart. Not out of sight, out of mind. Not because I feel insecure, but because I am missing his presence.

3. Maintain contact when out together. Yes, PDA – not the sloppy kinds but holding hands, peck on the cheek. Catch my eye from across the room we are out together at a party, let me know that I am beautiful among all in the room.

4. Let me know that he notices my appearance, give me surprise compliments, make it clear he appreciates me . (OK, he does it..)

5. Tell me that he loves me – not misusing or over-using it but each time he means it. There is a power in receiving a good-morning and a good-night. With him a few hours behind in the time zone, I would love too do so but I might come across as someone who doesn’t act her age (37!)

I understand that I don’t always need him to be a “we” or an “us” you’re a YOU! Be that YOU! But being 9 hours flight distance away from him, 5.3 hours behind him and missing his presence around me, I am giving him an image of a partner who is insane and emotionally needy. I am as much surprised as him.

If any one is or have been in a long distance relationship, help me validate my feelings/needs.

Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , | 5 Comments

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