Posts Tagged With: Emotion

Anxiety is hopelessness..

Anxiety is thinking you have everything under control,It’s feeling like your on top of the mountain,
Today you can handle anything, today you will conquer it all,
It’s assuming that everything will be okay because it is,
It’s getting out of bed, taking a shower, getting dressed doing your makeup,

It’s being prepared to leave the house,

You practically skip to your car,
You get in, close the door, and you glance in the mirror,
Anxiety is the rapid and sudden loss of control,
You slipped and now your rapidly spiraling back down the mountain,
It’s smashing into a brick wall that goes on forever,
It’s a flip of a switch and it doesn’t always make sense,
..I was just okay..I am okay..
It’s waking up with your heart pounding your breathing rapid,
There’s a golf ball in your throat,
You can’t breathe around it,
It’s the shaking hands,
Can’t look anyone in the eyes,
Begging someone to come help,
But praying no one comes near you,
It’s a sudden reeling loss of control,
And you just don’t know what to do,
And there’s nothing anyone else can do,
It’s the tears you won’t let fall because they won’t help,
It’s begging god for a sedative. 
You are okay but you are absolutely not okay,
There is nothing okay about how you feel,
If you don’t have anxiety you cannot understand what it feels like to have absolutely no idea what to do,
Regulating your breathing but your fingers and toes are tingling.
A war in your head you don’t always understand.
You know you need to breathe in for four hold for seven out for six,
You know you need to breathe all the way in and in again,
You know it’s just a panic attack,
You know you are okay,
You know it will be okay,
But you don’t know what to do.
Anxiety is getting your breathing under control,
Regulating your heart rate,

Plastering on a smile,

And pretending everything is okay,
Even though there’s a thundercloud behind you that you just can’t escape.
Pretending you aren’t barely holding on, to what?
It is wanting to claw at your skin and crawl out of your body because there is no reason for things to be this overwhelming and wrong.
Anxiety is the pure joy of feeling like you have control,
And the depression of being thrown back to the sharks,
Constantly trying to balance your racing mind and react the way you should if you were okay,
It’s learning how to smile just right, laugh just so, tilt your head and nod like your listening but you just can’t focus,
It’s so desperately wanting to just be normal, 
It’s knowing you should be enjoying something but you just aren’t,
It’s choosing not to go out, not to get up, not to move forward.
It is your mind creating irrational fears of things you don’t need to fear,
Anxiety is hopelessness,
But it’s not hopeless.

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Need to look in the mirror again..

2 months into our marriage:

Despite all the love and longing-ness to be together soon, we didn’t realize how common the bickering will become, and we still haven’t started staying together. We might wonder if we did the right thing. It won’t always be easy and you’ll occasionally question your judgment…but it won’t take you long to get your answer. It’s a very fleeting doubt and just spending time in the company of this human being you love unconditionally means that marriage was the best decision you ever made.

Recently, our fights are an outcome of my emotional turmoil (relocating to a new country) and his logical mind (Why would you say that? What did you mean by that? Why…?). I wish we both can meet midway when this happens. I beg and cry and do all sorts of unbecoming things to convince him to understand me emotionally. All I am losing is my self-respect.

I had vowed never to be that way again – never to put someone on a pedestal – never to be in a one – way relationship where I have to beg someone to understand me. But then, I have never loved someone like I love him.

If I don’t think I am worthy, it’s really hard to inspire my man to think so, much less dedicate his life to me.

Let’s look at this from the other side:

Will I be inspired by a man who is weak, needy, and insecure?
A man who needs constant attention?
A man who doesn’t trust that you love him?
A man who is convinced he is too good for me and that he is going to leave me for someone else?

Probably not. That man would be exhausting.

But isn’t that what love is all about? Knowing each others’ flaws and accepting them anyway?  Ultimately, the answer is yes. But in a budding relationship, it doesn’t matter how much you love each other; all that matters is whether you are both equally bought in.girl_with_mirror_by_nami86

The more he pulled away; the needier I got.  The needier I got, the less he wants me/ to be with me.

How could I prove myself to him? What could I do differently?

“Sorry” he said. “You may think whatever you want. Its your issue. You’re too anxious. Too difficult. Too emotional. Not secure.”

I need to find a way to express my needs without turning into doormats. The question is whether I believe in myself the way I should.

If not, I may need to look in the mirror again.


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Give another chance, can you?

Whilst I am trying to keep things light around because I am in the happiest phase of my life, sometimes things like relationships becomes a weighty subject.

Like it did for a dear friend of mine – let me call her Annie.

After a string of dates with a series of losers, players, flakes and bores, her next foray into the dating world led her to the classic selfish jerk. She meets a promising man. He’s employed. He’s interesting. He’s passionate about the world around him. He says he wants to get married one day. He seems normal – you know how hard it is to find a normal guy.

But life turned around for her soon enough. He put her down and manipulated her every chance he got. Being inexperienced, she assumed this was normal. Her confidence plummeted, and even after discovering his infidelity few times she didn’t have the courage to break it off with him. She even moved to a different country to be with this man. Basically, she tried everything (Love is blind for many). She didn’t think she was doing anything wrong, and didn’t feel she deserved any better.

In one of their parties, her man’s best friend forced himself onto her. Next day, she confided in her man as he was the only person she really knew who would understand and support her during her emotional distress.

Instead of supporting, he laughed at her. This ignorant “man” told her she “was only good for sex anyway.”

Tragically, part of her believed him.

It’s easy to see why Annie is now terrified of relationships. Even when she meets a guy that seems nice, she rules them out fearing he’s another jerk. She’s wounded and in her own words, “cynical.”

We know intellectually that not every man is as bad as the ones we have encountered. It would be a huge mistake to blame each new guy for the sins of the men in our past.

Nonetheless, moving on is not as easy as snapping our fingers and putting trauma such as infidelity and emotional cruelty behind us. Our experiences are very real, very painful, and they are bound to shade our whole view of the world.

We need to remind ourselvesJust please don’t let them determine it.

Yes, easier said than done!

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“Bad Mood” days !

I think it is a fact of life that every once in a while we find ourselves in a bad mood. Sometimes we know why we are in a bad mood, and other times the reason may not be an evident reason at all. Even though we can all certainly experience times like this, it doesn’t mean we have to be stuck in them. Bad moods are often an indication that we need to check in with our feelings and do something about them or take action to shift our energy in a more positive direction.

If you are not sure why you are in a bad mood, imagine what you would say if you were allowed a very secret few minutes to complain about anything that was going on in your life. Chances are the things that come up may be tied to how you are feeling. The good part is that once you pinpoint why you are in a bad mood you are in a better position to do something positive about it.

Sometimes when we are in a funk, the energy we give off simply attracts more negative things our way. That’s why some “bad mood” days can spiral even further downhill with problems and annoyances that appear to validate our discontent and frustration. When this happens, consider imagesCAEOU25Wdoing something nice for yourself. Enjoy your favorite beverage or snack, pick a funny movie or sitcom to watch, or just go for a walk in the park. Allowing yourself the time and opportunity to do something pleasurable (as simple as spending time in nature) is a positive step that can help break the negative energy and hopefully shift our mood.

Another way to break a bad mood is to go somewhere else. Even if all you do is to get up and make a quick trip to another part of the office or switch rooms at home, this plan of action can actually make a difference. Or better yet, go for some exercise. Exercise doesn’t just build and tone your body, it also causes the brain to release chemicals called endorphins, which help to improve your mood.

And when you’re in a bad mood, don’t forget about the people around you. If someone reaches out to you, make sure to let him or her know that you are just having a tough day and that your mood has nothing to do with them. It’s actually possible to shift your energy simply by sharing with someone the fact that you are in a bad mood.

There will be times that a day that isn’t turning out so great, but if you find yourself in a bad mood, don’t beat yourself up over it. Give these tips a try, and you might find yourself feeling better before you know it!

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Why I love my brother?

Few days back few parts of the world celebrated Siblings Day – a day to celebrate the sibling bond. In India, we have a similar day, known as Raksha Bandhan in India, when an embellished thread is tied around the brother’s wrist to celebrate the unique bond between a brother and a sister. Anyways, I don’t believe I need a day to celebrate my bond with my brother because every day was a sibling day during my growing years. Only after I moved out for college, those bickering and playful bullying came to a pause, and I was reminded that my brother is so much more special…an existence of the person who could be my best friend and dreaded rival all in one.

My younger brother is like an angel to make sure my life is full happiness. He resembled a tiny Buddha when he was a child and I tease-love-ingly called him “Golu” which in English translation would be ‘Fatso’ (in a cute way!!) as he had chubby pink cheeks. Although now he doesn’t have that resemblance of big Buddha belly but has the innate qualities that is said to give energy of joy and laughter to everyday life – measured, patient and calm. I resist squeezing his cheeks now and saying weird grandma-ish things like “I remember when you were a BABY” whenever I see him as now he has turned into a gentleman having a sensitive and gentle demeanor!! He always have had a dry sense of humor, a deep love of food, an infectious laughter, and a tendency to keep things to himself… and he still does. 🙂

Having a brother to love is a special thing to have in life and reasons are countless. Let me count few things for why I love him…

  • Because he is as bighearted as anyone can imagine. His heart is twice as large as normal human heart because he has so much love to give.
  • Because he is liked by everyone—yes…literally everyone.
  • Because he is actually the easiest one to be around.
  • Because he has “grace” and “class” written into his DNA.
  • Because he has his head and heart in the right places and if not, he pretty much knows how to balance it. Thus, he is able to make well-informed decisions.
  • Because he acts like an older brother sometimes. It’s nice to have him watching out for me.
  • Because he sets goals and knows exactly what steps he will take to accomplish them.
  • Because he gifts me the Apple products, even without an occasion…Yay! Yay!
  • Because he stays determined and focused despite all of life’s obstacles.
  • Because he is the best link to my past and (I know for sure) who would stick with me in the future. A familiarity that can’t possibly be available to me in any relationship throughout my life.

And my favorite reason why I love him so much: He is MY brother!!

Read The Sibling Effect

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Who writes letters these days?

As I was struggling to fill up a bank deposit slip for my nana, he pointed out to my sloppy writing. “Who writes these days?” I sheepishly defended myself. “Well, you should as you did earlier in your beautiful cursive handwriting”, said my nana softly. When we returned home, he opened a wooden box which had neatly stacked papers. He took out a brown envelope and scooped out few pages. I froze. They were my letters written to him. We sat together, read the letters and recollected those special memories. He read me his favorite parts from few letters- embarrassing school incidents, stupid complaints of my mother, pranks at school and ofcourse my class grades. Really?? I wrote all that to him?? I am glad that I did, because now I experienced each incident in my life twice: once when it actually happened, and once again when we read them.

Back then, when internet was not heard of, one of the most cheapest way of communication was letters. I remember writing letters to my family and friends, and kissing the envelopes before I put them in the mailbox hoping that they are not lost in transit.

Letters are like timeless little snowflakes of love being send to the people we love. Words are wrapped with love for whoever reads it and it builds a special bond which could be treasured forever and indeed are our conversations with the future. They are like journals, which tell stories of our lives to our beloved ones. When I returned to Mumbai, I brought my old box with me. It had some of the most cherished letters from a time when I didn’t really appreciate them but was glad I kept anyway. Reading old letters is like treasure hunting. Somewhere in those faded paper, there is a story that was packed away for years.

A handwritten letter is risky too. Unlike emails, handwritten letters can’t be re-read as soon as they are put in the mailbox, and couldn’t be un-send too. Once sent, it is gone. It is an object that no longer belongs to you but to the one whom it is sent. I often remembered the feeling of what I could have said more than the words which I wrote. More so, it is a one-sided conversation where I can’t see the reaction of the person I have written to, so there’s a great unknown feeling that requires a leap of faith. I have to choose the right words to express in sentences, and then, once the envelope is sealed, I have sent my thoughts to someone else, trusting that the feelings will be understood and intent correctly interpreted.

I suppose, there is a power in the act of handwriting. Have you noticed that the handwriting changes with emotions? They Talk. They Emote. They have life to them. They are thoughtful, honest and original. How childish to think that could be easy.

Well, in digital life of quick phone calls, emails, whatsapp, and snapchat, it’s so easy to never to find the time to write letters. I was so sandwichbusy zip-zapping through my life and looking for ways of connecting with everyone around the world – on my side and the other, that I somehow forgot about my special ‘sandwiched’ generation who are struggling to pace up with us. To be able to write beautiful words to the ones you love is a lost art gone with texting and cell phones. That’s a great pity -for me. I am starting to feel that with every breakthrough (or breakdown) in communication technology, our social connections, although admittedly more frequent, are becoming less visceral.

When was the last time I wrote? By hand. Today evening, I wrote a letter to my nana. I feared that my handwriting letter won’t be legible to anyone but me. And this autocorrect and keyboard shortcuts has made me a lazy speller too. Initially I observed that I was much more reluctant to express my actual thoughts and emotions but soon it was not difficult to  out to pour my feelings, but quite a bit in writing them down. I hadn’t hand-written an entire page since long. I am glad that I did. I can imagine the happiness he would feel when he will tear the envelope to read my handwritten words. Handwriting is a disappearing art!!

Food for Thought: History would have been a mystery if our ancestors did not write them for us. We read those letters to get a better understanding of life, cultures and people way back 100 years. Will my blog be read to understand me? Will my emails to my friends and family be read in the same as I intended it to be? May be photographs and videos would come close, but the handwritten stuff is always close to heart. I feel that the memories can be best retained in the form of letters.

“And that my soul embraces you this hour, and we affect each other without ever seeing each other, and never perhaps to see each other, is every bit as wonderful.” – Who Learns My Lesson Complete? by Walt Whitman

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*Note to my future generations*

I stumbled upon a very sweet incredible but also very emotional piece in the NY Times where a mother,  Jacqueline Mooreis finding solace in sharing the memories of her son, Jordan, who passed away in 2010, through his Facebook page – It’s a presence unique in its way!!

In a strange way, with all due respect, I didn’t find this comforting. I don’t want my loved ones to die, but I don’t think I would be comfortable getting too terribly close to virtual representations of them. I might be unable to accept their absence but can’t bear their virtual presence. Of course, there is nothing wrong with looking through old photos of the loved one every once in a while, but surely it can’t be healthy to live 24-7 with a virtual representation of someone, instead of mourning them then letting them go. But it would not be comforting to have a virtual copy of a deceased loved one.

Technology is advancing so much that very soon people will communicate with their virtual persona even when they can no longer talk to their actual self. They can leave messages and post pictures and videos to their wall, almost as if they were still there. I think especially for friends and family members having this possibility brings up a cathartic effect. I find this an interesting but spooky.

We keep forgetting who we are as a person and who we are with respect to the internet – they are often entirely different personas. That’s certainly an issue with the Internet as we know it today. When you live your life online and have connections with lots of friends around the world you will only notice that a person doesn’t come online anymore. But it is very hard to know why.

**Note to future generations: After I’m gone, please let me rest in peace. I might find the concept of a social networking site active in my name quite disturbing. You can grieve for me, but after a while please recover and live life. I don’t want a piece of software forever reminding you of what you have lost or (even worse) growing and evolving over time into something very different from the original me.**

The other side of the coin is also fascinating – parents who create a social media presence for their children, I always wonder what will children think of their social network profiles when they get older. Will they be amazed or embarrassed or appreciate your effort of introducing you to the world when they were struggling to crawl? I am glad that internet was still being invented in remote areas when I was born. I would hide under the bed and never come out if my parents would have updated my facebook wall like a news feed, tweeted about my stupid innocent questions, instagram-ed every move and cute-bum, and snap-chatted every cry and smile.

BTW, That Can Be My Next Tweet is a cool time-waster app which tells your next tweet based on the DNA of your twitter stream – can we be so predictable? Unfortunately, I think we can….;) What about you?

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Friendship: Uncomplicated!!

It can sometimes seem…that we’re on the lookout for perfect people. But if you think about it, if we picked only perfect people as friends, who’d be picking us?

No matter what stage in life we are in, we need friends for sharing our experiences whether its good or bad. They are our mental `lifesavers’ and without them we do much worse and are more woundable. Like our family, our friends are the reason for the persons we are and participate in shaping our life as we grow.

Friendship ranks right up there with fulfilling work, a happy personal life and good health. In fact satisfying friendships often positively affect 544-Facebook-friendsone’s  work, personal and health. Throughout our lives, friendships are among the most enduring and treasured relationships. They are often complex and of many variations: old friends, new friends, lifetime friends, close friends, casual friends, etc. It seems in this fast-paced world the relationships with friends seem to be one of the most challenging and it can be a benefit or detriment to us and our lives.

Our friendships change as our life does. It changes throughout life; from childhood and the single years, through marriage and on to the end of our life. We form new friends by moving, change in interests, entering a new school or getting a new job, a promotion or a new sport. Friendships are seldom static, and they evolve, grow, deepen and sometimes even wither and fade away.

Luckily I have been blessed with the friends which I have in my life and which I make – who don’t  demand, control or keep count of all favors done by them, reminding me just how helpful they have been giving the impression I owe them. They have been able to nurture me rather than control or take away from the person I really am. Understanding the changes that friendships go through is the first step to helping them last – to understand why some of my friendships have lasted 20 years and others only 20 minutes! I have often discovered why I may maintain a relationship with someone I instinctively prefer to hold at arm’s length, and why I sometimes manage to lose touch with someone I hold dear. Friendships are an enormous part of my life and to understand them better, and to understand myself better, is nothing short of a blessing to me.

In this lonesome world where families may be far away and we are more and more interacting with robots not human beings, friendship is more important than ever. Friendship is still a most curious and complicated relationship based on feelings. I would never have made different choices!! Friends exist because of shared feelings but we should be cautious of betraying confidences. I am  grateful to make new friendships but also to be able to nurture my old friendships.

I believe that you have to be a good friend and you have to reach out. Thanks to people I met along the way, I am a stronger and wiser person right now.


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Urban dictionary defines Valentines-less-ness (High-five!!, if you are hearing this word for the first time too.) as:

A term used to describe not having a valentine on Valentine’s Day. Often leads to depression and sleep deprivation. Many people are subject to Valentines-less-ness because they are the “Just friends” kind of person.

Well, if valentine is not subjective to a boyfriend and girlfriend only, I still feel its valentine:

  • When my mom kisses me and says “You are one in a million”
  • When my father asks me “Oh, you worked so late today? You must be tired.”
  • When my brother tells me “Don’t worry, party all night. Call me when it’s over and I will come to pick you up.”
  • When my cousin tells me “I have fixed a blind date with my co-worker who I feel is right for you.”
  • When I am moodless, and my friend quickly says “Lets go and have a drink!”
  • When my best friend hugs me and says “It’s not fun without you.”
  • When my four-legged miracle greeted me excitedly when I returned home and licked my face.
  • When I see people around me in love, which lets me know that love still exists!!
  • When the shop owner gives me a free warm cookie along with my chai.
  • When a stranger makes your day by handing you a loving note. Not in a creepy way! Brooklyn-based freelancer Erika Anderson, like last year, invited about 50 people to her house for a valentine-making party, where the group made over 1000 love-notes using handmade paper. If you happen to be in New York, you might get lucky to get a Valentine note of your own! Erika will ride the A, C, and F trains through Crown Heights and the Lower East Side. Hopefully you’ll see her or another member of the #ArmyOfLovers. Her friend in San Francisco is extending the movement to the West Coast.


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Pause and be amazed…

Often I am so busy with my life and what happening in it, I forget to pay attention to the stories of others and to the world around me. Everyone is living 27 hours a day, and we tend to rush through our lives without consideration of what the implications are. It behooves us to slow down and take the time to let others know, at the very least, that their efforts are appreciated.

God is doing amazing work everywhere. We forget the quiet miracles that take place each day: the birth of a baby, a beautiful sunset, a feeling of joy in the midst of overwhelming circumstances.

Being in awe of God over these “small” miracles prepares our heart to experience even more amazing things from God. Let’s pause for a while and observe how God amazed others, and add those amazing events to our own list. I believe that the more we look for evidence of God’s work, the more amazed we will be.

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