Posts Tagged With: Relationship

Snooping or Overwhelming curiosity??

Her heart says, “I want this to work,” her gut says, “something’s off”. She’s trying to reconcile the two, to have a foot in both camps, but she can’t. Maybe her insecurities have nothing to do with him, but the long hard slog to regain that trust (and maybe make up for others who created those insecurities in the first place) might just be a mountain too high.

Until she understand the impetus for her actions & inactions, she will be pinballing though this blindfolded. Never a stable foundation for a marriage.

Snooping in an adult relationship, where someone suspects a major breach and in fact confirms it…should be the end of it. If one is snooping just to snoop that is wrong and the snooper has issues.

One’s not abusing it now does not excuse the creation of a loophole that can be exploited for abuse. Declaring that people — I should say, believing that people – are all worse than they used to be, or all anything, without any grounds to say so, does create an opening to justify whatever you feel like justifying at the moment. That makes it dangerous. A loaded weapon, let’s say, that you simply haven’t yet chosen to pick up.

There’s a huge difference between naturally coming to an “open book” policy with one’s spouse because of mutual trust developed over time, and a forced policy of “let me see or else”. Regardless of the past, anything that comes about via a demand is indicative of a problem. And with children, the relationships, rights, and responsibilities are different. As a partner, sharing needs to be natural & mutual, or it’s not sharing, it’s just acquiescing.

Now we’re all more like celebrities, with much larger personal networks, thanks to technology. Many “crimes” are crimes of opportunity, and most of us have a lot more opportunity than people did 50 years ago when there was one phone in the house and anyone could answer it. I think people have more opportunities to cheat and have fun on the side for many reasons. Have people changed? Maybe not, but opportunities certainly have.

Plus, cheating and sexual adventurousness is more in film, TV and theatre, opposed to 50 years ago, let’s say. So some, not all, people are thinking about the possibilities more than before.

It’s a combination of things.

I know quite a few people who have had their heads buried in the sand and one day decided to seek the truth…hence the snoop…not right…but understandable. The older we get the more we listen to our gut but sometimes the head, heart and gut are confused. Again I try to walk in others shoes and not judge their actions…right or wrong.

In all seriousness, though, I think that snooping is sometimes the vehicle for broken people to accuse their partner of not loving them enough. There will *never* be enough love to satisfy them because they were broken long before the current partner entered the picture. These are the times when snooping turns into abuse. I think that checking up on one’s partner without cause undermines the trust that should be a given.

Trust is essential, but it may also look differently in different relationships – some couples simply do not want or feel the need to share every possible thing, and that works for them because they too trust one another. Snooping is never necessary. If you can’t find a better way to have a trusting relationship with good communication, seek counselling to learn to do better.

As far as what makes snooping wrong, I’m not sure the snooper’s reason for snooping matters as much as the reasonable expectation of privacy of the snoopee (if a word like so exists).

Advertisements
Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

“Not my problem”?? Its you.

Any partner who sees their partner suffering and, whether the reason is reasonable or not, says “It’s not my problem. It’s you” is not a partner. 

Partnership is about coming together when things are hard, not distancing from it. This is a basic tenet of any good relationship – empathy and compassion for the other person, not to mention if what you are doing is hurting the other person, stopping it. You do not have to accept less than that because you have mental issues.

I think there is something to be said for not being overly anxious or insecure when our significant others have friends they could potentially be attracted to. That being said, though, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a line in which loyalties end up being compromised. So, I’m not sure that I agree that this is totally our thing to figure out. Some of the activities might seem to be potentially problematic and tiptoeing up to some line of inappropriateness (it’s one of those things where even if you can’t define the line, you sort of recognize it when it shows up). Also, if some of those behaviors are painful to you, they are painful to you, and a good partner will at least try to be sensitive to that rather than say it’s totally your thing to figure out.

Partner’s behavior would make one feel insecure. It doesn’t have to be “is he going to have an affair”; it can just be “is our connection dying on the vine and am I seeing the signs of it in the way he is no longer prioritizing me”.

Categories: Muddled Thoughts, Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

When joy and grief are knitted together…

I could barely read this but its a good read.

https://driftingthrough.com/2015/01/30/lessons-from-the-worst-day-of-my-life-2/
The lessons are invaluable and at least the experience has left us with those.

Categories: Muddled Thoughts, Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Resolutions??

As I was bidding adieu to 2016, I self-refled on my resolution shortcomings. What seems like a long year yet when you reflect upon it, it swept by. You realize that there were many lost moments, hidden opportunities, unreturned calls, missed family events, lost loved ones and goodbyes. We promise to do everything but life catches up and we put important things on the pedestal to do it some other time, which never comes. Sigh!
The reason some of us don’t keep some of these New Year’s Resolutions is because we get bored, we hate them, we didn’t plan them out. We aren’t ready to change our behavior!

I read somewhere that DON’T MAKE YOUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION ON NEW YEAR’S EVE. So I am making one today. I will only focus on one – blogging. I have made a commitment and getting pretty excited about this goal because I have the journal to help me get going and focused.

What is one resolution you will be sticking to?

Categories: General, Inspiring | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Love is…

First day of the year and I am more excited than anyone. Another beautiful chapter to be written over a year.

Excitedly I opened my gifted journal to the first question. It happens to be the most over-used and misunderstood word – LOVE. It is never easy to define love…or is it?

Infatuation is not love.

Attention is not love.

Sex is not love.

Love is mysterious.

I don’t know if I believe in the idea of soul mates or love at first sight. But I do believe that I have someone who is exactly right for me. Not because he was perfect, or because I was, but because our combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two individuals fit like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

When we are incomplete, we are always searching for somebody to complete us. But, after a few years of a relationship, we blame our partners for the feeling of un-fulfillment. Let’s admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us. Choosing to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure. The most painful thing is losing ourself in the process of loving someone too much or expecting someone to love us in a certain way, and forgetting that we are special too.

People like to say love is unconditional, but even so it definitely should come with a disclaimer. Falling in love is easy but staying in love is a huge responsibility. It’s like someone wants you to be happy and that makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won’t be happy unless you are. Phew – now that’s a vicious cycle and a responsibility! But if there is always an expectation attached – something in return, then its heading to a disaster. 

We will question our partner if they really love us. We will ask this a dozen times but do we ever ask if they are mad at us. When someone is angry, we don’t doubt it for a moment. Thus the reverse should be true also. We doubt the positive qualities in others, but seldom the negative. Why do we doubt the negative in life instead of having faith in the positive? Is it so difficult? Are we engineered like that?

We secretly wish for that special person who is right for us. But if we happen to have kissed a few frogs, we begin to suspect the existence of the prince. Why is so? Was I wrong in some way to find partners who were wrong in a complementary way? I don’t think that’s the case – they helped me a lot to grow fully into my own wrongness.

And it isn’t until we finally overcome our deepest fears, our courage of taking another change – the ones that make us truly who we are – that we are ready to find a lifelong partner. Only then do we finally know what we are looking for. But not just any wrong person: the right-wrong person – someone we lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. I think as we grow wiser with time, we are more willing with our accumulated courage take a chance on someone. Becoming soul-mates takes a lifetime to perfect. We have to recognize that there cannot be any relationship unless there is commitment, loyalty, love, patience, and persistence.

It’s said that “When God knows we are ready for commitment, He will reveal the right person even under the wrong circumstances.” I strongly believe in it because I found that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way – someone who knows the shape of my fears and contour my dreams.

Its amazing how a person who was a stranger suddenly meant the world to me. He deserves the world and one day I will find out how to give it to him.

Categories: General, Muddled Thoughts | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Should we trust our “Cloud Nine” feelings??

Mr K and I started talking to each other in Oct 2015, and we had that instant recognition, mutually. Within 6 months – BOOM! we were married. Distance separates Mr K and I by thousand of miles and it will remain the same for few more (urghh…tedious visa process). Therefore, I chose to fly down to Mr K to be with him for a week (a romantic person – well, I am!!). Anyways, I just wanted to be beside him, next to him… It felt completely natural and normal to suddenly find the person I want to be with, to have a life and family with. Love and romance can blind us to all kinds of information. So glad I didn’t marry everyone I loved. At the risk of sounding dramatic, I didn’t want anyone else.

Love is not a product of reasonings and statistics.
It just comes — none knows whence —
and cannot explain itself.

~ Mark Twain Eve’s Diary

 I have known people who moved very fast and stayed happily committed for many years. I have known others who took it more slowly, where it seemed they were really getting to now each other, and still were not successful in the long run. We took a crucial decision of spending our life together ‘for better or for worse’ but as my wise man says that he knows he made the right choice (ah, I am on cloud nine! *blush*).

Some couples have only one person head-over-heels up-front, with the other person much more mildly or slowly growing interested. In our relationship, we are one or another in different situations. I love how we can balance each other despite that mild cultural difference. I know: It’s not romantic, but we seem to be in LOVE!love is

When two people feel the same level of love attraction to one another, a relationship can be rewarding and unstressed. But sometimes, one person or the other feels much stronger attraction than the other does. And that can be uncomfortable to even painful for both individuals, eventually. And then we pick on petty stupid stuff on which we laugh later.

Sounds to me as if it’s the way it’s “supposed to” work, as long as we stipulate that there is no such thing as how it’s “supposed to” work. A lifetime isn’t made up of just this week or the past few weeks — and a future life will need plenty of time to unfurl its petals so you can see it. There’s no guarantee that we will know each other completely in a year or in many years or not at all, but when chemicals and hormones will wear off, we will have a better ability to see things as they are.

Dear Mr. K, it won’t always be easy and we will occasionally question our judgment but as we will get along together, we will see more and more aspects of each other, and I am sure we will fall in love more. Why do I know so? 10 years back we spoke for a bit –  so you see we had won the “lottery” a long, long time ago, but instead of checking our numbers, we just kept buying more tickets. (You know what I mean ;-))

Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

@WeFoughtAbout

Claire Meyer and Alan Linic, a couple who like other couples went online – oh, but not to our annoyance of  being muchkins started dating this past March. In August, they hit a big milestone — they started a joint Twitter account @WeFoughtAbout

Unlike other 20-something couples who include each other’s handles in their Twitter messages or exchange cheesy-cutesy messages on their Facebook walls, Meyer and Linic have crafted a very different shared social media experience. They share all of the things they fight about. Hard to believe, ain’t it?

WeFought

Categories: Fun | Tags: , , | 3 Comments

Slave over a Stove!!

It really annoys me when people want to jump down my throat because I don’t do what they think I should. Cooking is one such art form for which I am always asked “Why don’t you cook for yourself?” – the question for which I am yet to master a response for it. I raise quite a few eyebrows when people learn that I have hired the services of a cook who does that for me. I cook or don’t cook based upon what works for me, individually. So, to each it’s own.

Indian society give a lot of emphasize for home-cooked meals – wait for it – prepared by women. Maybe cooking and cleaning was considered the “traditional wife role” in the 50’s but it’s 2014. Gender roles aren’t implicit, inherent things, they were created by society and I think that people are afraid to step out of them or just have simply grown up to think that way. Even in this century, when everyone seems to be talking about women empowerment, there are quite a few men who still reason out by saying cooking3My wife works but I pay most of the bills, so if I can’t get a hot meal every now then what am I getting out of this?” Really?? Ugghh! Do we now ever meet a woman nowadays who doesn’t work or want to work? Men sure don’t mind their partner bringing home a paycheck, but they do not hesitate to pull “traditional wife” trigger to force woman into the kitchen. Some men even don’t know how to fix a damn thing in the house so they pay someone to do it for them, and that’s considered totally fine. But a woman who won’t/maybe can’t cook and decide to pay someone for it, she is judged for her capabilities. If cooking skill should be used as some measure for spouse value, then admittedly, I would like a man who knows how to cook while I will clean, wash the dishes, and every thing else on the good wife list…

If all it took to get a ring was cooking skills then why are there so many single ladies who can cook up delicious meals? None of my male friends settled down because their girls cooked, but they settled down because they wanted to…with her! Simple as that! I know quite a few men who would prefer a wife with a career of her own to a wife staying at home cooking dinner.

Lucky me, my family never suffered from ‘gender-role’ syndrome. Besides few  of my cousins who tried every trick on their plate to  get me to learn cooking but I seem to have been born with a magnetic chip which repels me from the kitchen. And when I did enter – over the stove, mixing ingredients, high, medium, or low * head starts to swim*. I will not blame them for being judgmental about me as they are experts in dishing out something slurp-I-ciously amazing with whatever lies in the fridge. Now this is talent and an art which I firmly believe one is born with!!

For me, cooking is a form of art. Some tend to appreciate it while some enjoy performing it everyday. For past so many years, my grandma and mom are enjoying the best tea I can vouch for in the world, prepared exclusively by my dad…every morning. Prior to my dad, it was my grandfather who did so thus starting the ritual. And this was timed well. As my grandmother would return from the temple and later sit in the balcony, hot tea would be served to all. Ah, such a romantic gesture which expressed love subtly but strongly! Anyways, I asked my dad if tea-making responsibility was asked from him, his answer was simple: “I love doing so for lovely ladies in my life” while he secretly enjoys the praises too!! 😉 This leaves me with a thought – although one might grow up assuming certain activities to be gender-specific, however its upon one’s own self to not accept and do in order to comply with society norms. Do what makes you happy even if it means taking up those activities which might make the other fall in love with you each time…like my mother as she sips her morning tea every day. Btw, both the ladies also get to have the luxury of enjoying dinner prepared by my dad…every Sunday.

Instead of dictating the traditional role each should play, it would be wonderful to learn to be the back up for each other so that once a while, either one of them is allowed a breather without being a slave over a stove. Until of course…

Categories: Muddled Thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Parents play a role!!

Brilliant advertisement!! Bow down to all parents – For teaching us that falling only makes us stronger. For giving us the encouragement to try again.

Categories: General | Tags: , , , | 2 Comments

Happy Birthday Mom!!!

I believe there are very few people in the world for whom expressing in words no matter how much you want to, is always difficult. My mother ranks on top of it all. As she nears a step closer to 6o. here is reminding her that I still feel the same as I said earlier:

Years and years before internet, my mom was my one-woman information for tips on shopping, exercise, savings, etiquette, organizing, driving, studies and relationships. Now, I beg mom for advice and then snap at her for giving her opinion. I call mom from miles away to ask her what to do and then reject her suggestion. I turn to mom for every crisis and then get annoyed at her for butting in on my life. The only thing more annoying than receiving the advice is the fact that in every case, with few exceptions, Mom is mostly right😉

Click here to read more about my mother.

Happiness is surely everything about you and this picture awwww-ishly puts it perfectly…

20140307-002102.jpg

Picture Credit: @ilovewording on Instagram

Happy Birthday, Mummy!!

Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: