Posts Tagged With: Trust

Snooping or Overwhelming curiosity??

Her heart says, “I want this to work,” her gut says, “something’s off”. She’s trying to reconcile the two, to have a foot in both camps, but she can’t. Maybe her insecurities have nothing to do with him, but the long hard slog to regain that trust (and maybe make up for others who created those insecurities in the first place) might just be a mountain too high.

Until she understand the impetus for her actions & inactions, she will be pinballing though this blindfolded. Never a stable foundation for a marriage.

Snooping in an adult relationship, where someone suspects a major breach and in fact confirms it…should be the end of it. If one is snooping just to snoop that is wrong and the snooper has issues.

One’s not abusing it now does not excuse the creation of a loophole that can be exploited for abuse. Declaring that people — I should say, believing that people – are all worse than they used to be, or all anything, without any grounds to say so, does create an opening to justify whatever you feel like justifying at the moment. That makes it dangerous. A loaded weapon, let’s say, that you simply haven’t yet chosen to pick up.

There’s a huge difference between naturally coming to an “open book” policy with one’s spouse because of mutual trust developed over time, and a forced policy of “let me see or else”. Regardless of the past, anything that comes about via a demand is indicative of a problem. And with children, the relationships, rights, and responsibilities are different. As a partner, sharing needs to be natural & mutual, or it’s not sharing, it’s just acquiescing.

Now we’re all more like celebrities, with much larger personal networks, thanks to technology. Many “crimes” are crimes of opportunity, and most of us have a lot more opportunity than people did 50 years ago when there was one phone in the house and anyone could answer it. I think people have more opportunities to cheat and have fun on the side for many reasons. Have people changed? Maybe not, but opportunities certainly have.

Plus, cheating and sexual adventurousness is more in film, TV and theatre, opposed to 50 years ago, let’s say. So some, not all, people are thinking about the possibilities more than before.

It’s a combination of things.

I know quite a few people who have had their heads buried in the sand and one day decided to seek the truth…hence the snoop…not right…but understandable. The older we get the more we listen to our gut but sometimes the head, heart and gut are confused. Again I try to walk in others shoes and not judge their actions…right or wrong.

In all seriousness, though, I think that snooping is sometimes the vehicle for broken people to accuse their partner of not loving them enough. There will *never* be enough love to satisfy them because they were broken long before the current partner entered the picture. These are the times when snooping turns into abuse. I think that checking up on one’s partner without cause undermines the trust that should be a given.

Trust is essential, but it may also look differently in different relationships – some couples simply do not want or feel the need to share every possible thing, and that works for them because they too trust one another. Snooping is never necessary. If you can’t find a better way to have a trusting relationship with good communication, seek counselling to learn to do better.

As far as what makes snooping wrong, I’m not sure the snooper’s reason for snooping matters as much as the reasonable expectation of privacy of the snoopee (if a word like so exists).

Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Give another chance, can you?

Whilst I am trying to keep things light around because I am in the happiest phase of my life, sometimes things like relationships becomes a weighty subject.

Like it did for a dear friend of mine – let me call her Annie.

After a string of dates with a series of losers, players, flakes and bores, her next foray into the dating world led her to the classic selfish jerk. She meets a promising man. He’s employed. He’s interesting. He’s passionate about the world around him. He says he wants to get married one day. He seems normal – you know how hard it is to find a normal guy.

But life turned around for her soon enough. He put her down and manipulated her every chance he got. Being inexperienced, she assumed this was normal. Her confidence plummeted, and even after discovering his infidelity few times she didn’t have the courage to break it off with him. She even moved to a different country to be with this man. Basically, she tried everything (Love is blind for many). She didn’t think she was doing anything wrong, and didn’t feel she deserved any better.

In one of their parties, her man’s best friend forced himself onto her. Next day, she confided in her man as he was the only person she really knew who would understand and support her during her emotional distress.

Instead of supporting, he laughed at her. This ignorant “man” told her she “was only good for sex anyway.”

Tragically, part of her believed him.

It’s easy to see why Annie is now terrified of relationships. Even when she meets a guy that seems nice, she rules them out fearing he’s another jerk. She’s wounded and in her own words, “cynical.”

We know intellectually that not every man is as bad as the ones we have encountered. It would be a huge mistake to blame each new guy for the sins of the men in our past.

Nonetheless, moving on is not as easy as snapping our fingers and putting trauma such as infidelity and emotional cruelty behind us. Our experiences are very real, very painful, and they are bound to shade our whole view of the world.

We need to remind ourselvesJust please don’t let them determine it.

Yes, easier said than done!

Categories: Muddled Thoughts, Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Zen Moment: Trust your pilot!

A man had been on a long flight. The first warning of the approaching problems came when the sign on the airplane flashed on: ‘Fasten your seat belts’. Then, after a while, a calm voice said, “We shall not be serving the beverages at this time as we are expecting a little turbulence. Please be sure your seat belt is fastened.”

As he looked around the aircraft, it became obvious that many of the passengers were becoming apprehensive. Later, the voice of the announcer said, “We are so sorry that we are unable to serve the meal at this time. The turbulence is still ahead of us.”

And then the storm broke. The ominous cracks of thunder could be heard even above the roar of the engines. Lightening lit up the darkening skies and within moments that great plane was like a cork tossed around on a celestial ocean. One moment the airplane was lifted on terrific currents of air; the next, it dropped as if it were about to crash.zen

The man shared the discomfort and fear of those around him. As he looked around the plane, he could see that nearly all the passengers were upset and alarmed. Some were praying. The future seemed ominous and many were wondering if they would make it through the storm. And then, he suddenly saw a girl to whom the storm meant nothing. She had tucked her feet beneath her as she sat on her seat and was reading a book. Everything within her small world was calm and orderly.

Sometimes she closed her eyes, then she would read again; then she would straighten her legs, but worry and fear were not in her world. When the plane was being buffeted by the terrible storm, when it lurched this way and that, as it rose and fell with frightening severity, when all the adults were scared half to death, that marvelous child was completely composed and unafraid.

The man could hardly believe his eyes. It was not surprising therefore, that when the plane finally reached its destination and all the passengers were hurrying to disembark, he lingered to speak to the girl whom he had watched for such a long time. Having commented about the storm and behaviour of the plane, he asked why she had not been afraid. The sweet child replied: “Sir, my Dad is the pilot and I was sure he will take me home.”

Categories: Inspiring | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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