As I was bidding adieu to 2016, I self-refled on my resolution shortcomings. What seems like a long year yet when you reflect upon it, it swept by. You realize that there were many lost moments, hidden opportunities, unreturned calls, missed family events, lost loved ones and goodbyes. We promise to do everything but life catches up and we put important things on the pedestal to do it some other time, which never comes. Sigh!
The reason some of us don’t keep some of these New Year’s Resolutions is because we get bored, we hate them, we didn’t plan them out. We aren’t ready to change our behavior!
I read somewhere that DON’T MAKE YOUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION ON NEW YEAR’S EVE. So I am making one today. I will only focus on one – blogging. I have made a commitment and getting pretty excited about this goal because I have the journal to help me get going and focused.
What is one resolution you will be sticking to?
First day of the year and I am more excited than anyone. Another beautiful chapter to be written over a year.
Excitedly I opened my gifted journal to the first question. It happens to be the most over-used and misunderstood word – LOVE. It is never easy to define love…or is it?
Infatuation is not love.
Attention is not love.
Sex is not love.
Love is mysterious.
I don’t know if I believe in the idea of soul mates or love at first sight. But I do believe that I have someone who is exactly right for me. Not because he was perfect, or because I was, but because our combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two individuals fit like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
When we are incomplete, we are always searching for somebody to complete us. But, after a few years of a relationship, we blame our partners for the feeling of un-fulfillment. Let’s admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us. Choosing to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure. The most painful thing is losing ourself in the process of loving someone too much or expecting someone to love us in a certain way, and forgetting that we are special too.
People like to say love is unconditional, but even so it definitely should come with a disclaimer. Falling in love is easy but staying in love is a huge responsibility. It’s like someone wants you to be happy and that makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won’t be happy unless you are. Phew – now that’s a vicious cycle and a responsibility! But if there is always an expectation attached – something in return, then its heading to a disaster.
We will question our partner if they really love us. We will ask this a dozen times but do we ever ask if they are mad at us. When someone is angry, we don’t doubt it for a moment. Thus the reverse should be true also. We doubt the positive qualities in others, but seldom the negative. Why do we doubt the negative in life instead of having faith in the positive? Is it so difficult? Are we engineered like that?
We secretly wish for that special person who is right for us. But if we happen to have kissed a few frogs, we begin to suspect the existence of the prince. Why is so? Was I wrong in some way to find partners who were wrong in a complementary way? I don’t think that’s the case – they helped me a lot to grow fully into my own wrongness.
And it isn’t until we finally overcome our deepest fears, our courage of taking another change – the ones that make us truly who we are – that we are ready to find a lifelong partner. Only then do we finally know what we are looking for. But not just any wrong person: the right-wrong person – someone we lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”
To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. I think as we grow wiser with time, we are more willing with our accumulated courage take a chance on someone. Becoming soul-mates takes a lifetime to perfect. We have to recognize that there cannot be any relationship unless there is commitment, loyalty, love, patience, and persistence.
It’s said that “When God knows we are ready for commitment, He will reveal the right person even under the wrong circumstances.” I strongly believe in it because I found that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way – someone who knows the shape of my fears and contour my dreams.
Its amazing how a person who was a stranger suddenly meant the world to me. He deserves the world and one day I will find out how to give it to him.
Whenever I try to set resolutions for the coming year, I can never remember what I resolved to do that year. One I remember was that I had promised myself last year to blog more frequently – failed miserably even with the best intentions. Thus I thought that I will not set any failure-doomed resolutions.
However it seems universe work towards your best intention. Among few of my (first) christmas gifts my loving husband Mr K gave me a journal book as he knows I love to write. Its an amazing journal book which will trigger new blog posts as it involves answering one question a day. Brilliant gift for a lazy bum like me, ain’t it? Whoever said that your spouse knows you better than anyone else was actually right.
New horizons are before us all the time. The turn of the calendar is an arbitrary line to draw. Still, here’s to glorious horizons in 2017.
Last day of 2016 and I am thankful for so many things. It was a blessed year for me in so many ways and hoping it continues in 2017.
Was working on my thank you list this morning 🙂 best way to end the year.
It is the classic complaint: men accuse women of being too emotional and women accuse men of not being emotional enough. Each thinks the other could just decide to be different – if they really wanted to. Yes, it is scientifically proven that the brain circuitry for emotional processing is different in men and women. But the emotional connection is always a desired state in a relationship.
Dear Mr. K,
I can understand that my crying or wailing might make you uncomfortable, but I would like you to understand that for me, or at least many women, crying is venting. It happens, we feel better afterwards, and we try to lessen the shame of it by frantically dabbing at our face with a tissue to remove the various types of liquids that have gathered there (and mascaras cost!). Too often, when I cry, I feel ashamed, silly or weak, when in reality I am simply connected with my feelings, and want sympathy and hugs from YOU.
Crying is a show of emotion, but it is also an opportunity for us to become closer. Also to suggest to those around me that I need something – warm tight hug or a kiss. Yes, it can be uncomfortable for you but with all this in mind, how is it a simple natural and evolutionary function seems to elicit disgust in you to tell me to “Go away and cry”? (Ouch!)
But personally, I don’t think men are the only ones who want to stop a woman crying. I know if I see someone, anyone, who is upset, I feel motivated to reach out and ask the person if they are okay. Some guys can see a women’s tears as manipulative, and maybe some women do use it that way, but I do not. And when I cry it’s a very real emotional response.
Society seems to discourage crying in men, perhaps that’s why, like other men, you have been forced to cope with you emotions in other ways. So it makes sense that you might feel confused by a woman who cries often, or sometimes, because for a guy crying is a sign of weakness, it’s when they’ve let their guard down. And they seem to believe you only really cry if something is ‘really’ wrong.
If I am talking about a topic that has an obvious solution, I can probably solve it myself. If you point this out to me, you are missing the point of me talking to you in the first place, which simply to share with you my feelings so you can get closer to me. I am also ‘offloading’ emotion; it’s just how I deal with it and you are the special person I chose to do that with. Why are you special? Because I trust you to care, I trusts you to hear me, to accept me and show compassion and warmth. I don’t want this from anyone else.
My tears are my way of letting my guard down around you and relieving my emotional internal pressure. Hug me, listen to me, and simply just be near me. I know that you aren’t proud of you knee-jerk reactions (read: anger), but I consider it ‘to be a man thing’. All I would like you to be a little more patient and tolerant to me.
Every woman wants to be beautiful in her husband’s eyes, no matter what her size or age is. She would do just about anything to attain a desirable image for him.
When I got married, I was swamped with me advices on how to survive the long distance relationship as we both had to live in different countries until I get my spouse visa to join my husband. “Ah well, why not? This gotta be fun!“, I thought to myself.
Trust me, maintaining a long distance relationship is like being on a roller-coaster ride without losing emotional balance yet maintaining sanity. Hence, to spice our long-distance romance, I thought of trying something out of my comfort zone – sent naughty-little-revealing pictures of myself to my husband. It is not like if I have gone out of my way to be nice to someone (dunno, like making a nice meal or sourcing the perfect present that he has been talking about for ages) and his response was…. nothing. OUCH!!
For a guy who isn’t used to getting anything like can have a problem deciding the appropriate response and go with absolute minimum so he doesn’t end up saying something dumb. But for my husband who has been in relationships earlier and, just like any man, has also pleased himself to porn/raunchy pics, I got no response/reaction. When I asked him of how it made him “feel”, he said how do you want me to feel considering the fact we had a conversation (read: tiff) earlier to do that and you decided to feel horny after that. Well dear husband, that was my way of cooling you down (could be virual make-up s** whilst being miles away from you).
When you are in an unexpectedly new situation that you have never been in before, it’s very easy to second guess yourself out of common sense. I didn’t do it for the validation so much as I want to show him I am thinking about him which makes me horny during the day, and to let him know that he is special. If I want to fulfill some exhibitionist desires and get meaningless validation about my looks, I will post them on social network (ofcourse under a different name).
A simple – ‘damn baby you look great! I miss you and can’t wait to see/jump you later is all the response I expect(ed) to get. I was expecting you know a winky face back or anything.
If he wanted, he could have told me how hot I looked, how I made him feel because of it, hard horny etc., or how much he wants me to beside him followed by what I would want to do to her. Something along those lines I think, hmm. If he would continue with that train then maybe I would try to make it literotical.
I was not expecting him to respond with a sexy pic in return (or could if he wants to? ;)). I understand that the male body isn’t sexualized nearly as much but “out of the shower in towel” shots, “Grabbing for my dick in underwear” shots and something with forearms in it doesn’t require a body made of granite. So yeah, if he did, I would indeed reply with something maybe more sexual.
It seems, sometimes guys wouldn’t get a hint if it knocked on the door and introduced itself.
2 months into our marriage:
Despite all the love and longing-ness to be together soon, we didn’t realize how common the bickering will become, and we still haven’t started staying together. We might wonder if we did the right thing. It won’t always be easy and you’ll occasionally question your judgment…but it won’t take you long to get your answer. It’s a very fleeting doubt and just spending time in the company of this human being you love unconditionally means that marriage was the best decision you ever made.
Recently, our fights are an outcome of my emotional turmoil (relocating to a new country) and his logical mind (Why would you say that? What did you mean by that? Why…?). I wish we both can meet midway when this happens. I beg and cry and do all sorts of unbecoming things to convince him to understand me emotionally. All I am losing is my self-respect.
I had vowed never to be that way again – never to put someone on a pedestal – never to be in a one – way relationship where I have to beg someone to understand me. But then, I have never loved someone like I love him.
If I don’t think I am worthy, it’s really hard to inspire my man to think so, much less dedicate his life to me.
Let’s look at this from the other side:
Will I be inspired by a man who is weak, needy, and insecure?
A man who needs constant attention?
A man who doesn’t trust that you love him?
A man who is convinced he is too good for me and that he is going to leave me for someone else?
Probably not. That man would be exhausting.
But isn’t that what love is all about? Knowing each others’ flaws and accepting them anyway? Ultimately, the answer is yes. But in a budding relationship, it doesn’t matter how much you love each other; all that matters is whether you are both equally bought in.
The more he pulled away; the needier I got. The needier I got, the less he wants me/ to be with me.
How could I prove myself to him? What could I do differently?
“Sorry” he said. “You may think whatever you want. Its your issue. You’re too anxious. Too difficult. Too emotional. Not secure.”
I need to find a way to express my needs without turning into doormats. The question is whether I believe in myself the way I should.
If not, I may need to look in the mirror again.
Bitter words, bad attitude, biting comments. Contempt is evident. (Check) – Both sides are defensive. (Check) – And my husband stonewalls. (Check).
My K and I knew we want to be married as soon as we met, and we didn’t play games with each other. We got engaged 3 weeks after our first meeting and married 3 months later. Having lived independently most our lives, we live with the delusion that we are mostly right and that our partner need to change. It is a good start, but I am partnered with another human being–with his own needs, desires, plans and schedules. I think we both get wrapped up in our own frustrations and we don’t even realize how our patterns of communication hurt our relationship. It takes effort to speak to one’s spouse gently and lovingly sometimes, but it does pay off in the long run. We clearly love each other and soft words turns away wrath.
When things become challenging or frustrating or unsatisfying in a marriage, it is common to develop the fantasy that there must be something out there that’s better. And the truth is, there probably is something out there that’s easier or more exciting or more fun. But, sinners marry sinners!! 😉 Which, oddly enough, make for a frequently painful first year of marriage.
I have become blindingly infuriated with my husband over some pretty dumb stuff. Last time when we fought, I called my BFF living miles away just to cry my heart out and how we might have made a wrong decision (oh yes, frequent fights over nothing can turn sanest person to re-think and I am just plain Jane). Having known me for 18 years and being married for 10 years herself, she gave me a nice perspective, a sweet sentiment along the lines of “you both will do really stupid things sometimes, but remember–he’s crazy about you just like you are about him”.
I have married a really great guy and I cannot picture my life without him. I owe it to myself, and to each other, to try and address what is causing issues, and see if they can be fixed. He has been honest about his feelings as he is having them, or after he has had a chance to figure them out. He just might not be doing so in the way I would prefer, but he is honoring his commitment to me.
He is the one for me, and God knows that he is the one I need in so many ways. I figure that’s why HE has put us together.
Married to an amazing British guy, I have actively made a conscious effort to learn the angle of British humour. (Yes, Mr K, you read it right!).
But it was not so easy as it sounds. There were huffs and puffs caused due to his occasional witty, tongue-in-cheek comment. I found myself in situations where I just couldn’t tell if it was harmless remark/ banter or a serious conversation. It might tickle some people, however my brain is fortunately or unfortunately wired differently to function at a different wavelength.
I have grown up in India and its globally known that Indian humour lacks sarcasm (i.e. Chandler Bing type of humour) but I grew up watching a fair share of Friends and and have briefly worked for few years in US as well. In both places, there is a time and place for humor. In England, this seems not to be the case.
I still am struggling to get his unique Brit humour. But I would agree that it is teaching me (in a harsh way) to not take myself too seriously. It also makes light of tough situations, which is a good thing (sometimes) because when things look grim, it definitely helps to laugh.
Mr K’s humor is almost always deadpan – there will be no sign in red neon lights telling you ‘This Is The Joke’…rather a playful exchange of verbal sparring delivered with a smiling face and no apology. Basically, humour is his default setting – he is always looking to spice up our day with a sprinkle of laughter.
Ah, well!! 🙂
We all have strengths and weaknesses. I think that mine are pretty obvious.
I am experienced…but that may make me more rigid in my beliefs.
I am opinionated…but also prone to rubbing people the wrong way.
I am emotional…but it can be hard for logical people to connect with me.
I am balanced…but that can be frustrating when I want someone to pamper me.
Some men might think I am a sell-out to woman for demanding better behavior from men. Some women think I favor men because I often play devil’s advocate with women.
The only reason I bring this up is because I think it’s important to know how I am perceived by others. Believe me, the truth hurts, and it’s far easier to not acknowledge others’ perceptions at all. I mean seriously, do you think it feels good to confess that I can be perceived as cold, stubborn and rigid? Of course not.
And while I may not entirely agree with the assessment myself, the point is that perception IS reality. There’s how you see yourself. There’s how others see you. The two don’t always line up.
After all, you do FEEL insecure. I look in the mirror and see an attractive woman who, I believe, is kind and generous to loved ones. I am bright and competent at work.
So, how dare I feel insecure?
This is where perception becomes reality. Because it doesn’t matter if I feel secure if I ACT insecure. If I am in a relationship where I give but don’t receive. If I are afraid to have an authentic conversation with my partner. I have acted insecure.
These actions send a loud and clear subliminal message to any one: I don’t value myself enough to speak my mind. I don’t value myself enough to demand fair treatment. I don’t value myself enough to expect commitment. And if I don’t value myself enough to expect more from anyone, I will continue to get less than I deserve from them.
I can’t help but wonder if I want to make any changes in my life or am I undeserving for love and affection from anyone..