“Not my problem”?? Its you.

Any partner who sees their partner suffering and, whether the reason is reasonable or not, says “It’s not my problem. It’s you” is not a partner. 

Partnership is about coming together when things are hard, not distancing from it. This is a basic tenet of any good relationship – empathy and compassion for the other person, not to mention if what you are doing is hurting the other person, stopping it. You do not have to accept less than that because you have mental issues.

I think there is something to be said for not being overly anxious or insecure when our significant others have friends they could potentially be attracted to. That being said, though, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a line in which loyalties end up being compromised. So, I’m not sure that I agree that this is totally our thing to figure out. Some of the activities might seem to be potentially problematic and tiptoeing up to some line of inappropriateness (it’s one of those things where even if you can’t define the line, you sort of recognize it when it shows up). Also, if some of those behaviors are painful to you, they are painful to you, and a good partner will at least try to be sensitive to that rather than say it’s totally your thing to figure out.

Partner’s behavior would make one feel insecure. It doesn’t have to be “is he going to have an affair”; it can just be “is our connection dying on the vine and am I seeing the signs of it in the way he is no longer prioritizing me”.

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Categories: Muddled Thoughts, Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

When joy and grief are knitted together…

I could barely read this but its a good read.

https://driftingthrough.com/2015/01/30/lessons-from-the-worst-day-of-my-life-2/
The lessons are invaluable and at least the experience has left us with those.

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Anti-rape Pants

https://youtu.be/fWZYsHJbrBY

Saw this video and its a sad world that this kind of thing even needs to exist 😦

While I very much appreciate the thought and effort that has been put into this product. I can’t help but feel two things. First is I instinctively cringe cause it looks like capitalization on rape. Now obviously I don’t claim to know the intentions of the people who developed this product. It’s just as an outsider with no background information that’s what it looks like. Second is that this is another “thing” that puts the responsibility on the victim. 

Why are we teaching people to wear this instead of stopping people being predators in the first place? This is pretty much saying it’s the victims fault and they should be the ones being careful rather than it being the sexual predators fault for violating someone else. On top of that, not all sexual offences are below the belt of the victim.

When would you wear these? ‘Ooh today, I think I better wear my anti-rape pants. Feeling like I might get raped today!’ I’m all for protecting people, but the idea of having to prepare for potential rape seems terrifying to me.

Then what happens when someone is raped, and everyone’s response is, “well they should have been wearing a rape nappy!”

This culture of blaming the victims needs to stop. It’s not a victims responsibility to prepare in case they are raped/mugged/assaulted etc. It’s the responsibility of society to educate the population that these acts are wrong and will not be tolerated!

People keep saying, why teach self defense, instead of teaching people not to do a crime in the first place.

Surely it’d be smarter to educate young people that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable? However, if “teaching people it’s wrong” worked, then we wouldn’t have any murderers or thieves either. People who rape know they’re doing something they shouldn’t do!

There isn’t a rape culture, because nothing in our culture condones or promotes rape. Saying that rape culture exists is like saying murder culture exists, or that there’s a fraud culture. There can be things done to lessen rape, but it will never be completely gone, neither will murder. Teaching people ‘not to rape’ will never work because it’s not a matter of education or knowledge as to how rape is wrong (on a potential rapists part), it’s a matter of skewed moral backing and apathy for the victims feelings.

A lot of rapists already know it’s wrong but they do it anyway. 

When you ask rapists a lot of them are in denial about what they did was rape. Like literally they’ll justify it as “she didn’t say no! (She was unconscious)”.

As great as these seem what seems to have been forgotten is that sexual predators don’t attack for the sex. They attack for the power and control it gives them. If they can’t get it one way they’ll get it another which could be just as damaging if not life threatening 😢. That’s why self defense needs to be taught.

What I don’t agree with however (and I’m not accusing you of doing this) is the societal response that a victim could have some how encouraged the rape. 

When it comes to taking a stand on crimes against women, we are reminded each time that women always have a past, while men have a future waiting, anxiously to roll out the red carpet for them, under which can be brushed all the wrongs they commit.
It would just be nice to see more in “media” about how we’re dealing with those responsible for committing rape and less about how victims could or could have prevent(ed) it.

Tell me again, how men are under attack because of feminism. And I’ll tell you women need rape whistles, pepper spray, and now this.

Categories: General, Social Cause | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Is marriage an achievement?

A friend forwarded this image to me on Whatsapp. Not sure I agree entirely. A wedding is not an achievement. A good, balanced marriage certainly is, calling for years of work on the part of both parties.

Thankfully marriage was never ever a topic in our household. Education and career was. I was never told not to do this, not to say this, etc because I had to get married one day. During studies when other girls used to fantasize about marriage I on the other hand thought about polishing my skill, volunteering and even started working. And when I was earning, girls my age were getting married and I on the other hand was learning new skills and thinking about how to get a house on my name! My family never ever got worried about our marriage and when the right time came I married on my terms and by my choice and still living how I wanted to. 

Individual religious beliefs also have a high impact on this uneven happiness or otherwise in the marriage. 

Making a marriage, or any relationship, work takes effort. Being happy in a marriage, or other relationship, is an achievement that should be celebrated. 

Getting married in and of itself is not an achievement. Getting married is not a goal. It is just a thing that can happen or not in the middle of all your achievements. And when it happens make sure you get married on your own terms. 🙂

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Saying “No” should be enough…

Saying “No” is not enough these days. Hence “Angel Shots” is the new code introduced in the market. Heard about it?

It seems this started in a restaurant bar in Florida. They had a sign hanging in the bathroom. The entire staff is trained to know what to do. It’s a policy of the establishment and a part of the employee training, the whole point is it is policy and the entire staff know what to do. 

Anywhere else, most bartenders will have no idea what you’re talking about.

This might be a good idea! Every bar should have a code like this posted in the women’s restroom. More women find themselves in dangerous situations with men they do know than absolute strangers. 

But, why not just say “I need help!”

Or when you are in the bathroom text the police or a friend?

Write on a napkin?

Or maybe stop hooking up with a picture on Tinder, Facebook or Craig’s list??

Anyway it is a sad commentary on society.

During my teenage years, my parents and I had our own code. If I ever need help then I would simply call home and say “mom I’m having a great time at…” and they would come to pick me up, no questions asked. Before anyone says it won’t work, it did and it does. I always tell my husband where I’m going. And we have our own code – “honey I am having a great time at…”. 😉

However guys get in trouble on dates and may need a safe out too. What code do we suggest for them?

Categories: General | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

Tilikum

Today, the most exploited orca in Sea World’s history has passed away. RIP.

The life span of killer whales in captivity is only 17 for males and 29 for females. In the wild they live to be over 100. An animal with an average life span of 70 years just died in under 40 in captivity. 

Captivity kills. Does Sea World cares? Nah. This is the real reason Tilikum was so important to them.

Be angry with Sea World but also be angry with the people who keep them in business.

In light of Tilikum’s tragic death, please take  some time out of your day to watch the documentary Blackfish – the film that made the world aware of Tilikum’s plight & of others still suffering in capitvity. No animal, big or small, deserves to be caged for the entirety of its life.

Tilikum. Now you are free.

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What culture are we talking about??

The use of the word ‘culture’ to sustain social standards really amazes me, because culture is what’s happening in the now.

What happened 500 years ago is culturally different from what happened 5000 years ago and you can’t really pin any of it as a benchmark.

What culture are we choosing to enforce? Only fair then that all men discard western clothing and work in fields for cultural preservation.

Why should only women practice culture in their clothing and profession? We should all race backwards to the medieval age to follow culture.

By this argument, Indian men have destroyed culture more than anyone, by wearing trousers, shirts and doing 21st century jobs.

So even if you factor conservative thinking, it is the Indian man who led us all into a “ruined” western module of life, women only adapted.

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A quick laugh…

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Resolutions??

As I was bidding adieu to 2016, I self-refled on my resolution shortcomings. What seems like a long year yet when you reflect upon it, it swept by. You realize that there were many lost moments, hidden opportunities, unreturned calls, missed family events, lost loved ones and goodbyes. We promise to do everything but life catches up and we put important things on the pedestal to do it some other time, which never comes. Sigh!
The reason some of us don’t keep some of these New Year’s Resolutions is because we get bored, we hate them, we didn’t plan them out. We aren’t ready to change our behavior!

I read somewhere that DON’T MAKE YOUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION ON NEW YEAR’S EVE. So I am making one today. I will only focus on one – blogging. I have made a commitment and getting pretty excited about this goal because I have the journal to help me get going and focused.

What is one resolution you will be sticking to?

Categories: General, Inspiring | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Love is…

First day of the year and I am more excited than anyone. Another beautiful chapter to be written over a year.

Excitedly I opened my gifted journal to the first question. It happens to be the most over-used and misunderstood word – LOVE. It is never easy to define love…or is it?

Infatuation is not love.

Attention is not love.

Sex is not love.

Love is mysterious.

I don’t know if I believe in the idea of soul mates or love at first sight. But I do believe that I have someone who is exactly right for me. Not because he was perfect, or because I was, but because our combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two individuals fit like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

When we are incomplete, we are always searching for somebody to complete us. But, after a few years of a relationship, we blame our partners for the feeling of un-fulfillment. Let’s admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us. Choosing to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure. The most painful thing is losing ourself in the process of loving someone too much or expecting someone to love us in a certain way, and forgetting that we are special too.

People like to say love is unconditional, but even so it definitely should come with a disclaimer. Falling in love is easy but staying in love is a huge responsibility. It’s like someone wants you to be happy and that makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won’t be happy unless you are. Phew – now that’s a vicious cycle and a responsibility! But if there is always an expectation attached – something in return, then its heading to a disaster. 

We will question our partner if they really love us. We will ask this a dozen times but do we ever ask if they are mad at us. When someone is angry, we don’t doubt it for a moment. Thus the reverse should be true also. We doubt the positive qualities in others, but seldom the negative. Why do we doubt the negative in life instead of having faith in the positive? Is it so difficult? Are we engineered like that?

We secretly wish for that special person who is right for us. But if we happen to have kissed a few frogs, we begin to suspect the existence of the prince. Why is so? Was I wrong in some way to find partners who were wrong in a complementary way? I don’t think that’s the case – they helped me a lot to grow fully into my own wrongness.

And it isn’t until we finally overcome our deepest fears, our courage of taking another change – the ones that make us truly who we are – that we are ready to find a lifelong partner. Only then do we finally know what we are looking for. But not just any wrong person: the right-wrong person – someone we lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. I think as we grow wiser with time, we are more willing with our accumulated courage take a chance on someone. Becoming soul-mates takes a lifetime to perfect. We have to recognize that there cannot be any relationship unless there is commitment, loyalty, love, patience, and persistence.

It’s said that “When God knows we are ready for commitment, He will reveal the right person even under the wrong circumstances.” I strongly believe in it because I found that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way – someone who knows the shape of my fears and contour my dreams.

Its amazing how a person who was a stranger suddenly meant the world to me. He deserves the world and one day I will find out how to give it to him.

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