2 months into our marriage:
Despite all the love and longing-ness to be together soon, we didn’t realize how common the bickering will become, and we still haven’t started staying together. We might wonder if we did the right thing. It won’t always be easy and you’ll occasionally question your judgment…but it won’t take you long to get your answer. It’s a very fleeting doubt and just spending time in the company of this human being you love unconditionally means that marriage was the best decision you ever made.
Recently, our fights are an outcome of my emotional turmoil (relocating to a new country) and his logical mind (Why would you say that? What did you mean by that? Why…?). I wish we both can meet midway when this happens. I beg and cry and do all sorts of unbecoming things to convince him to understand me emotionally. All I am losing is my self-respect.
I had vowed never to be that way again – never to put someone on a pedestal – never to be in a one – way relationship where I have to beg someone to understand me. But then, I have never loved someone like I love him.
If I don’t think I am worthy, it’s really hard to inspire my man to think so, much less dedicate his life to me.
Let’s look at this from the other side:
Will I be inspired by a man who is weak, needy, and insecure?
A man who needs constant attention?
A man who doesn’t trust that you love him?
A man who is convinced he is too good for me and that he is going to leave me for someone else?
Probably not. That man would be exhausting.
But isn’t that what love is all about? Knowing each others’ flaws and accepting them anyway? Ultimately, the answer is yes. But in a budding relationship, it doesn’t matter how much you love each other; all that matters is whether you are both equally bought in.
The more he pulled away; the needier I got. The needier I got, the less he wants me/ to be with me.
How could I prove myself to him? What could I do differently?
“Sorry” he said. “You may think whatever you want. Its your issue. You’re too anxious. Too difficult. Too emotional. Not secure.”
I need to find a way to express my needs without turning into doormats. The question is whether I believe in myself the way I should.
If not, I may need to look in the mirror again.