I’m a confident, intelligent, direct, 30-something woman. I look for the same qualities in a mate.
When meeting potential people to date, I am not someone who will open up like a book but I am candid and true with my responses, if asked. However, why do few claim or pretent to be someone when in reality they are not? They will respond to the direct questions by being “the exact opposite of” direct and actually pretending to please you to have the next date (ofcourse, only if you want to have the next).
I understand that it takes few dates to start sharing and opening up to know the other side of a person and ofcourse, people struggle to express difficult feelings. It’s just not easy to make yourself vulnerable to people, and the reason is in the definition, since being vulnerable means being in a position to get hurt. And while it’s true that getting hurt is part of life, that doesn’t change the fact that when a fastball is hurtling at you, one common response is to curl to protect your soft parts.
Ofcourse, trust starts to creep in when one starts to share family stories, job bloopers and friendship pranks and get comfortable based on the reactions received from the other person. Its then that the people start telling their truth, even the stuff they’ve been afraid to say out loud. Sometimes you have to wait for the bloom and not tear open the bud. Coaxing out the shyest truths gives you the best information for deciding whether someone is right for you.
But one needs to ensure to not be judgemental with the secrets bring shared. Their lifestyle, situation-handling, anger management, and relationship quivers are based on their notions and experiences. The other thing that helps is to watch how people behave, and how they treat other people, and, especially, how they treat people who are in service positions and other “low-ranking” or vulnerable positions.
No relationship can be successful without quips and fights but yes, your anger outburst or discussion should not be based on the shyest truths and inside stories shared with each other. Laying out a set of standards they have to meet to please you is better than name calling and advices on relationship management.
Thoughts excerpts from Getting candor out of a beau