Not a single one of us knows what the future holds. I am a woman in my early 30′s and still single. I never imagined this would be me at this age…at the age when most of my friends were married or having babies.
Few months back, I thought I had found The One only to have the rug pulled out from under me…who decided abruptly to end the relationship two months before the wedding day. This is after we had spent a fair amount of time before reaching the conclusion of wanting to take the plunge and building a life together. He blamed me for reminding me of his ex-girlfriend. Just as we were looking to buy a house, he decided to tell me that his ex-girlfriend still wants to come back in his life.,,and he wanted me to pretend that it doesn’t make me jealous and insecure. He subtly dropped ridiculous requests that I could only fail at: my hairstyle, how I talk, my body type and how I didn’t motivate him. An alcoholic narcissist is what he was and what a fool I was. *sigh*
It probably wasn’t the right relationship for both of us. I didn’t need a fly on the wall to tell me that it’s time to move on but I didn’t heed the warning signs. I was confident that things will change after marriage (Oh, what an old school of thought!).
In fact, I was hanging on and on and on all the while knowing it wasn’t working but not wanting to take any action for some unknown fear. Possibly my subconscious believed that if I could make it work, it would mean that I wasn’t such a loser for not being able to make that relationship work. If only I had stopped putting Band-aids!!
I am trying to pull myself together as best I can…cried sometimes in frustration, in rage, in despair, and inexplicable sorrow and realizing that something magical saved me from false starting my life and living completely on the wrong track.
But, I still dream of finding a long-term partner and having a baby. It’s lovely. It’s conventional. It’s advantageous. I always want to experience pregnancy and birth. Marriage, although, practiced by couples across the land but leaves me wondering how much sanctity is in it. Does everything have to have a happily ever after attached to it?
The unexpected happens even when we’ve got everything mapped out. Maybe some people just don’t worry that much about what is ahead of them. I wish I was that cool.
Not sure if my heart can take another blow…not sure if I will meet someone to marry….not sure if I will jump the leap of faith. But it’s hard to let that dream go…and scared to get the dream as I don’t know if it will stay true. It’s a mystery that no one can solve. I will eventually find out my own answers to the open ended questions of my life. But I would rather be the one who is right in the end…I know I would…