…in the time of Internet!!

It’s undisputed that technology has shaped the world today. From the simplex variety that secretly runs the world, to the one that decides which of our friends’ status updates we see, movies to watch, and products to buy, algorithms increasingly govern our behaviors and choices. Nowhere is this truer than the world of match-making. The widespread acceptance of online services developed over many years thanks largely to the widespread adoption of the internet in all areas of life.

The indian traditional way was (or rather still is prevalent) that a community, vis-à-vis, through religion, the neighborhood, or friends, single individuals were selected for introduction. From personal ads in newspapers to online dating, there has been a stigma in using these ‘services’ still in Modern India. This stigma on people feeling that they can not meet someone in a traditional sense but the use of technology is seen inferior or less prestigious. While internet enabled smart people to launch business that relied on technology to match people for matrimonial or dates, they have been incapable of creating cultural change that would remove the stigma from this form of services.

In other countries, single adults participate in web-based dating sites, however, dating sites in India is still in a nascent stage. On the other hand, matrimonial sites/services are in abundant who claim to have helped people find their soulmate. Besides eligible bachelors, one will find their parents, friends or other relatives are actively doing match-making, as it is a convenient and accessible option.

In the world of singles, the traditional model of finding your partner is to meet a quality person with an open mind. This will result in meeting like-minded individuals that may be potential partners. However, technology has replaced the way that courtships occur today. The rise of technology while creating more interconnectedness has resulted in less of a traditional way of meeting.

Despite being part of tech-savy generation, how this fascinating, bizarre, totally unexplained, exploding technology fits into this traditional methods of match-making, is beyond me. These matrimonial websites might use more of a sorting mechanism, but like in real life, there is no real way of knowing if a match will work. The successful results are difficult to replicate. However, once a person decides to use these services, they are more open to making the potential encounter work. It seems that technology will not replace the “gut” feeling that occurs when two people meet.

Just like the real world, online dating is a place to find people. It works maybe because so many people are not able to meet people in their immediate spheres of day by day life. It CAN be a useful tool along with face-to-face meetings. I know several people who have meet their spouse on the internet and a couple more who are in long(ish) term relations with internet dating sites to thank for.

While technology has changed the method of making the first encounter, the `making it work’ aspect still depends on the individuals. It is the relationship that counts and that chemistry happens only through complex human interaction!!

Everyday Love (Drawings by Nidhi Chanani)

As soon as i stumbled upon everydayloveart.com, I was lost in a fascinating world of story-telling. Each illustration – no arbid doodles, are simple yet speaks a story by themselves. Inspirations drawn from her life, experiences, relationships and world surrounding her…she makes everything so colorful and beautiful. Take a moment to visit her website and explore her drawings. Sip chai (hot cup of tea) as you will be a while out there.

All images by Nidhi Chanani, everydayloveart.com

**Being a storyteller by using her drawings**

Maybe…

1. Maybe…we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
2. Maybe…when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don’t even see the new one which has been opened for us.
3. Maybe…it is true that we don’t know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don’t know what we have been missing until it arrives.
4. Maybe…the happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
5. Maybe…the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can’t go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.
6. Maybe…you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.
7. Maybe…there are moments in life when you miss someone — a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child — so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.
8. Maybe…the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.
9. Maybe…you should always try to put yourself in others’ shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.
10. Maybe…you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.
11. Maybe…giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don’t expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn’t, be content that it grew in yours.
12. Maybe…happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.
13. Maybe…you shouldn’t go for looks; they can deceive; don’t go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.
14. Maybe…you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy
15. Maybe…you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.

Whats’s in a name?

You wanna be where you can see that people are all the same… You wanna be where everybody knows your name. An old song, I know. But the bottom line is clear, we all feel better when interacting with others using our names. So, let’s do it and make life a little bit better.

We are now in the days of hiding behind a computer and, we forget to get personal. It makes even the most nonchalent/defensive of people relent when you refer to them by name when affirming, or even repeating, something they’ve just said.  If you put in such efforts to make people feel they matter, it certainly pays off, It’s a hoot to see the look in their eyes when they do not expect it.

At restaurants, I notice that the wait staff doesn’t seem to wear nametags anymore and sometimes I have to ask their names, but its nicer to say, “Excuse me, Sandy” rather than “Hey!” when you need something from them.  I think anyone appreciates being called by his/her name vs. something generic (especially the ewwwwww-inspiring “honey/sweetie/babe” that some women get.)

Ask a question using a name and you are more likely to get the positive answer than just using the question without the name. Referring to someone by their name is a moment of connection, whether in a professional or social situation. This helps build the relationships that lead to success.  The other side of the coin, introducing yourself and stating your own name when meeting someone new, is just as important.

Often in business situations people use full names. If I am going to have an extended relationship with the person I like to ask how they prefer to be addressed. Some people prefer James, while others prefer Jim. I like to call people by the name they prefer, but if you don’t ask, you don’t know. If someone prefers Jim and you keep using James, it is noticeable and can be uncomfortable to the person. Depending on the relationship, they may be uncomfortable correcting you.  I will add one more thing. If you are being formal and using an honorific, use the right one. Professor Jones may not like being called Mr Jones. General Smith probably does not like to be called Mr Smith. And Dr Barnes may not like Miss Barnes.

Dale Carnegie said, ”Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”

Sometimes I ask people about their first name. Many times folks love telling me the story behind their name, how they got it, why they have it, and it can be really fun to hear. Within 60 seconds, I know a lot more about them and their family history. I have always been a strong believer in building rapport and the name is always the first step.

It’s the little big things (in this case being called by name) that can make the difference in business and interpersonal relationships. If only more could adopt this simple courtesy. Indeed what you get by personalizing communication is really priceless. It is true that everyone likes the sound of heir own name and using it helps you to remember it. However, do not fall into the trap which some sales people have of inserting the name into every single sentence! Keep in mind:  “It’s my name, don’t wear it out.”

The only caveat being the importance of getting the name right. There are several reasons why mistakes may happen – assumed surnames, a surname that could be a first name, unknown transposition, etc. To be personal courtesies, names must be more than automated fill-ins for numbers.

“They couldn’t think of a number so they gave me a name” – Rupert Hines

Tip: Be careful in the UK.  They don’t like overfamiliarity and certainly don’t want their first names written on paper coffee cup when they just want a cup of coffee. 

You Look Beautiful…!! (Just For Laughs)

A Woman

A MUST Read for A Woman - each one of them out there…an advice well kept safely in a treasure box

Thanks Mimi for reminding the ladies their worth!!

Infidelity…!!!

“I never saw the signs, at least if I did, I denied they were there. I just thought they were friends. After I found out and confronted him, he confirmed what I heard.“

Husband of one of my close friend cheated her with another woman. Everyone “thought” they knew…but she did not, although they were having trouble. For her spouse, deep regret, shame, remorse, and humiliation set in. For her, anger, grief, disbelief, and an ‘avalanche of losses’, including the sweet memories of our marriage ceremony……gone.

While not a bad marriage, I wouldn’t call their marriage good either. It ceratinly isn’t what I want in a marriage. Some where along the way, they stopped really communicating and meeting each other’s emotional needs…though she never stopped loving my husband, and hasn’t still. “Did I nag too much? Did I do something wrong?” are the constant topics which she speculates often to gauge the reason behind the mistake which her husband made. She lingers on all the reasons he might have had an affair – the circumstances that created it, what’s missing inside her and in their relationship, etc.

Being an independent female, I wonder what makes her stay in a relationship and still wishing to be together until the end. Yes, she does BUT because they have a child together. Is that a bog enough reason to make yourself suffer and re-living the moments of betrayal each day. No matter what the betrayal, it can gradually erode the relationship. She confesses that it’s not the betrayal by itself that caused most of the damage. It’s the poor way he handled the aftermath. My friend believes in handling betrayal is more important than the betrayal itself.

She is drowning in grief, engulfed in a sadness and emptiness I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. He has no regrets for his actions, but plenty of regrets to the reactions of being found out.

It is believed that 70% of all marriages are touched by infidelity. Therapists have rated it one of the most common and devastating problems faced by their patients. They believes that sometimes, it takes this kind of life-changing event for couples to determine the real value of their marriage. It often becomes a catalyst for important and permanent changes – both in the relationship and for every person involved.

I understand that betrayals happen only after a spouse has been trying and trying to reach the other spouse who is unable or unwilling to be empathetic or nurturing. I am a big advocate of trying to fix relationships. But Infidelity of any sorts is out of question for me. Restoring trust in relationships after betrayal takes serious work- honesty, transparency and building a new foundation.

Seeing my friend struggling to keep her marriage alive and pretending to be happy so that her son respects his father as an ideal one, she gives me hope that there is a marital future after an infidelity. I don’t know how to deal with trust issues in a relationship, let alone find the courage to begin the process of forgiveness. Because for me that would be an exit from a relationship. Nothing can chart a new path — the path of trust.

Tall, Dark and Handsome? Nah…

I more or less had a list of traits I NEEDED in a man (things I was not willing to compromise on). More often than not, it is a painful process to realize the man you think is right is so fundamentally wrong for you – one can identify with that struggle, right? And few of my married girlfriends – they make excuses to stay in a bad relationship.

From a tall, dark and handsome in my teenage years to now wanting someone faithful and honest. Click here to read a blog post to know that not all tall, dark and handsome are the right ones neither are they the wrong ones. We just want someone to understand what we enjoy, and let us be.

Roll With It..!!

“So what do you hope to be doing 5 years from now?“

That’s a common question asked by hiring managers in many job interviews, and certainly a question that I have been asked both as a candidate and as a hiring manager in interviews. Ambitious candidates often have a plan as to where they “hope” to be professionally in their chosen field.

But what if the same question was asked for your life?

Let’s face it, we all have some idea of how we would like life to turn out. But the reality is that life usually doesn’t end up looking like the picture we had in our head. We tend to get a little (or a lot) out of sorts when things don’t go as we plan.

We as humans like to make plans for our lives. I think most of us go through life expecting everything to go just as we planned it. To get that great job, find that perfect companion and get married, buy a great house and raise our 2 kids, and retire somewhere to gracefully live out our days watching our children and grandchildren. But realistically, that isn’t always how it happens. We are yet to find that perfect mate, or maybe they walked out on you because they didn’t want to be married anymore. That great job you always wanted didn’t roll the final offer to you. In an instant, all those things you have planned for go up in flames. We go through our own seasons of great difficulty – the ones we didn’t ask for and above all we didn’t expect. I, too, wondered about the answers, explanations, solutions…

But what if we didn’t need answers? What if there was something better than getting easy answers and quick fixes?

Have you ever had a plan blow up in your face? I surely have a few to count… If you know me at all, you know I am a planner. There are have been times when my plans had to be changed. So what do you do when life hands you a plan-B situation instead of a plan-A situation? In my own life recently, life has dealt me a Plan B situation. Honestly, I am still walking through a Plan B.

We can’t smooth over the wrinkles and life can be really tough and we may not understand why certain situations are occurring in our lives. There often aren’t easy answers to the Plan Bs we experience.

For everyone, situations are a little different, and no one has all the answers. Sometimes, things do not turn out as we would have hoped. And circumstances don’t turn out as we would like. All of us have Plan A. What happens when Plan A is failure? God is testing us with these catastrophes. This is where the “Plan B” comes into our life. God uses our Plan B in our lives. God will always take these situations in our lives where we have pain and struggle, and will never fail at the opportunity to show us how much he loves us. God never destroys our lives, but he does allow us to make our own decisions, even when those decisions take us farther away from God.

We often wonder where God is, why are things going so badly, and why do I continue to struggle through this pain for years and years. Too often, we want that pain to be over as quickly as possible, and we scream at God when it doesn’t happen in our timing. The fact remains that God’s timing is nothing like ours, and His timing isn’t ready for us to be out of this season in life. A tough thing to swallow, that’s for sure, but true.

 

…

The reality is that each one of us, with our carefully thought out plans, will be forced to throw the plan away and divert to a plan we never considered-Plan B. Plan B’s come in many forms, but they will come. It’s a good plan with success and happiness in the picture.

Plan B is not about rearranging your summer schedule, or not having enough time to read. It’s about dealing with changes, disappointments and heartbreaks. It’s about losses; lost jobs, lost marriage, and lost lives. It’s about lost visions and lost dreams. It’s about questioning if God is any where in our circumstances. It’s about how do we handle those times that come when life knocks us off our feet and it seems as if God isn’t right there to pick us up and make everything fine again. What do we do when things happen that we never thought would, and we are totally powerless to change those outcomes. Plan B is an honest, no frills assessment of how we react when these situations come.

The question is are our plans and God’s the same? Two answers to that question: Yes, and ofcourse, No. I ponder the question for which there is no simple answer and yet reassuring myself that it’s ok not to have an answer. I agree that it’s difficult to understand when life takes a different direction. It’s about giving up the life you think you should have versus the one that God wants for you.

I am wondering how different life would be for each one of us if we chose to view our circumstances and our relationships as the gifts they are. Change in our present situation is not needed to be at peace. Change in perception is what transforms our life.

Someone once said that life is what happens when we are planning for it. Ain’t it?? So let’s roll with it..

A Thousand Splendid Suns

I read many books in a year. Some I read for entertainment and others to increase my knowledge. Then there is the rare book that does both of those things, plus touches your heart as well. A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini does just that. Earlier it took me seven hours for me to read this melancholy story with four parts that eventually overlap. While packing my apartment recently, I packed this novel in my travel bag to re-read, and still it was no less gripping.

The title for this novel comes from a 17th Century poem by Saib-e-Tabrizi which was a beautiful poem written in praise of Kabul. The excerpt from which the title originated goes like this: “One could not count the moons that shimmer on her roofs, or the thousand splendid suns that hide behind her walls.”

But the beautiful poem begins its praise of this city with these lines:

“Ah! How beautiful is Kabul encircled by her arid mountains

And Rose, of the trails of thorns she envies

Her gusts of powdered soil, slightly sting my eyes

But I love her, for knowing and loving are born of this same dust“

The story and the history are beautifully woven together. Splendid Suns follows the lives of two Afghani women, Mariam and Laila, as they move from children to adults. The story starts decades before the Taliban came into power in 1996, and ends after the era of Taliban rule.

The book spans 30 years, beginning with the Soviet invasion and ending with the overthrow of the Taliban. It’s difficult to explain more of the story without spoiling the plot, but these two women go from being enemies to unlikely friends. Centuries of embedded traditions and cultural proscriptions cannot be changed overnight, yet never again must the women of Afghanistan be forgotten.

The author paints a stark picture of how much harm religious fanaticism and intolerance can do. But, it also paints a picture of hope that the winds of change can blow cool and refreshing.

Previously, I didn’t know much about the political turmoil in Afghanistan and the various factions vying for power. I knew women had an appalling time living under the Taliban regime, but I didn’t realize how horrible conditions really were. The author holds nothing back in painting a stark picture of what it means to be a woman in a culture where they are valued only for how well they keep a house, and how many sons they produce. A culture where they are subject to the whims of men. Those that value them as worthwhile human beings are welcome oases – they seem to be the exceptions in their world, rather than the norm. I also learned of the natural beauty of Afghanistan and her fascinating history.

This eye-opening read has the power to change your view of the world and your place in it, and that makes it a truly masterful piece of literature. It’s lovely and breathes life into a place very far away from us – in miles as well as spirit. It might make you feel uncomfortable and in some parts you will wish that you could do something; even though you realize that this is a book of fiction. At one point, you will stop reading, close your eyes, and gather yourself as the story hit close to home.

This book is an experience, to say the least!