Men’s Rules For Women

Daddy, you can let go…

Guess the only song which can make my eyes wet each time I hear it..!!

50 Shades of Grey..is it??

If I met my friend now…??

What is a good friend? I think we all know when we have one, but why can’t we ever figure out the ones that just don’t seem to be quite right? Friendships span the whole relationship gamut and it is nice to know that there are some dos and don’ts that make sense and make life make more sense.

I am one of those people who thinks of everyone they have ever met as a potential friend. I firmly believe that my life will be incomplete without friends. They have pulled me through real tough times. As the adage goes, “A friend in need is a friend indeed” hence I hold few of them so strongly in my life to never let go. I have real lasting friendship and I learnt that it is okay to be needy. For at times we all need someone to take care of us once in a while. Similarly, I have had some guilt about letting go of friendships past their prime but have also understood that it’s healthy to acknowledge the good that  happened, and still be able to move on. I have also learnt that I need to be careful with who I give my heart to~ ofcourse I learnt this the hard way.

Do we treasure our friendships? Are they an indication of the sort of life that we lead and the sort of person that we have become? If we don’t intentionally nurture our friendships and invest time in them, then they too easily dwindle away in the press of life.” So true, ain’t it? The importance of being “real” and authentic with our friends, about not hiding behind masks to be someone we are not with our friends and about honesty in friendship. All good reminders to keep ourselves genuine in our friendships and in our life.

If I met my friend now, would we still be friends? I might be unable to answer it but I do know that we are friends now and will remain forever. Dr. Bonior, writer of “Baggage Check” column in Washington Post, aptly puts it – “It can sometimes seem…that we’re on the lookout for perfect people. But if you think about it, if we picked only perfect people as friends, who’d be picking us?“

Right friends???

The NAME Game

Sunday was a meet-with-good-old-friends for me, few of which are married, soon-to-be-married, in a relationship and 2 like me struggling to be single. While we had so much to talk about, we happen to dive neck-deep in one topic. It wasn’t really heated but dare ask ‘that’ question to a woman who is engaged to be married, then you are not a supportive friend at all. With all the things going on in her life at that time: trying to live her current life; plan a wedding; and dream of making a great life with the person she loves, here we became a party pooper, sour puss, curmudgeon who just won’t allow the people you say you care for to be happy. Wow, the more things change, the more they remain the same – we are still grappling with THE married name thing?

I thought we were long past that stage. But looks like things haven’t quite advanced beyond a generation ago. I was amazed how each of us had different reasons for doing or not to do it. What’s in a name? Everything. Your identity, your personal and family history, your beliefs, sometimes also your religion.

Surely in most places it is up to each married woman to decide for herself which name to use and it’s up to the rest of us to respect that choice. In few places, where there is  a lot of sexism, and many people are religious, women don’t change their last name. It’s not a feminist thing, it’s just not done. I think sharing the same surname goes along with white picket fences, i.e. it’s something of a myth that it’s the ideal. Few do so because it made an important statement to themselves and their partner, and a symbolic way of saying that they are a family for life. For few, not changing their name is for professional reasons.

How about hyphenation of maiden and married name? It got lots of grief for it, including from husbands who feel offended with hyphenation of maiden and their last name. Amazing, and think this way of thinking still is amazing…not, incredible. If you hyphenate your name will your daughter also? Will she be Suzie X-Y? If so, when Suzie X-Y gets married will she become Suzie X-Y-Z? How many generations do you go with that before you start dropping last names? Go figure.

If the woman changes, she might still be asked “But you are such a strong, independent woman”. Yes the woman is still strong, independent and all the other things she was before she took her husband’s last name.

Few of my friends took their husband’s name because of their religious belief that when you marry you become one flesh so why would they have the need for a different name. They felt strongly that it didn’t take their identity or uniqueness but added to it because they are married and it is a part of them. I am proud of their choice too. I don’t feel it is old-fashioned and I see no reason to not take your husband’s name.

Remember that not sharing one’s thought processes isn’t the same as not giving a decision careful consideration. They are no big secret, but they do sort of lead to a deeply personal conversation about one’s relationship with their family. It’s not a conversation one might want to have with a casual acquaintance.

If one is truly curious about why someone kept their name or took their husband’s or hyphenated or changed their name completely, we can ask “How did you come to the decision you made about your name?” rather than the question “Why” we put in it, which sounds so judgmental. The whole issue of what do about names after marriage is a very individual choice but still very interesting.

I will definitely keep my last name in the event I marry. I may hyphenate for the fun of it when it suits me (Nonetheless it feels cozy indeed). Moreover, the reasons given why women should change their name have always been un-persuasive to me and don’t seem to erase the original intent behind the whole name changing fiasco.

Frankly, it’s none of our business, some people do it because they want to, because they think they need to, because their husbands would like it, because aliens came down from Mars and told them to, etc. So first you ask why they change their name, then they need to justify and prove to you why it was the right decision? That’s incredibly condescending. For many people, their name is tied strongly into their identity, while for others, less so. There’s nothing wrong with either mindset.  I think it’s futile to try to convince some people to care less about their name, or to convince others to care more about it.

Would it be more fun to pick a new name altogether. “Hey, I don’t like ‘ABC’.” “Great, I don’t like ‘XYZ’.” “Ok, let’s get married and be Mr. and Mrs. Zen-Sanity.” “Ooooo, that sounds good!”

Guatemalan Worry Dolls

According to legend, if you tell your worries to one of Guatemalan worry dolls before bed and sleep with it under your pillow, the doll will relieve you of your worries while you sleep. Tell these dolls your secret wishes. Tell them your problems. Tell them your dreams. And when you awake, you may find the magic within you to make your dreams come true. Obviously, this was mainly a children’s thing to do, and some health care practitioners still use this treatment to help children deal with illness and other troubles. What a beautiful bit of lore with wonderful effects!

I do not own a Guatemalan worry doll but I do have circle of friends who act the same. Few I meet every other day to take a 30-min walk together and vent out our worries (productive and unproductive) while few are out there in the virtual world. It doesn’t always work but I am not always looking for a solution to my worry. But there’s something deeply soothing about saying your worries out loud and leave it there. The physical act of putting the proverbial “lid on it” really does help. If not to a friend, you can blog about it…thats how I entered into blog-o-sphere few months back.

Hope each of us have found their Guatemalan-way for dealing with their worries

Sh”t My Dad Says

The title says it all about the language contained inside though, and much of the humor comes from a quite colorful vocabulary. The author, Justin’s story telling method is quick and to the point, which keeps the book all the more engaging and interesting.

When you read the book you really get the idea that the author is learning from his dad, who is admittedly a little rough around the edges, how to be a decent human being. Not every word the senior Halpern utters is politically correct, which is part of the humor, and he obviously embarrassed his son on occasion, but this book seems like a loving tribute to a guy who clearly loves his son even while calling him a dummy. Like MissUnderstood genius, finally, a man who says what he thinks – no political scheming, no worrying about the consequences – this man just opens his mouth and says the first profanity-laced thing that pops into his head. He’s a grumpy old guy with the smarts of a rocket scientist and the mouth of a Kentucky moonshiner. He drops pearls of wisdom in the crassest possible terms, but his comments are always dead on and endlessly hilarious. Although his language is “spicy”, his words carry deep insight and his fierce love for his children shines through all the swearing.

Justin’s dad is not mean, he just tells it like it is. It’s nice to see someone who was not afraid of his own shadow in his own house and who was not afraid to stick up for his son’s when needed-be. A love that inspires his son to recognize and realize his potential even when–or especially when–the s h*t of life hits the fan.

The quaintness and shock value of the fatherly advice in this book distracts from what a clever writer Justin Halpern is, which is actually pretty clever. The sayings are hilarious, crude, and 100% correct; rife with common sense and vulgar perfectionism. (Were Dads wiser years ago? or funnier?)

I’ve been reading the blog and enjoying it, sending and sharing it with everyone I know. I figured the book would be along the same lines – it’s not, it’s even better. If you like four-letter humor that tells it like it is…just get this book and read it!! Afterall, the truth is rarely pretty, and life is not rated G.

Caution: DO NOT read this book while you are eating, especially not popcorn. It is laugh-the-hell-out-loud-funny and if you laugh while you’re eating, you’re gonna hurt yourself.

Blink-and-you-miss!!

Yesterday I was late at work to finish some task as I didn’t want to stress about it over the weekend. As I left from work, like I do every time, I humbly said “Thanks for being around and Good Night” to the security associate who sits at my office reception beyond business hours. He smiled and told me that he feels proud when he hears it. Every now and then it is a good thing to be reminded of the obvious – my insignificant gesture was making a significant impact on someone making him appreciate his work and himself more. Next time, I will say it more sincerely to make myself feel proud.

Let me look beyond patting myself on the back and appreciate the hidden gems scattered throughout..

The above incident reminded of this quote by Mark Twain – “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”

Does this tinker any thoughts? In our simplest conversations, we love the human texture but often miss to reciprocate it sincerely. Small gestures like saying “please” and “thank you” comes naturally to us but we dismiss to look into the eyes of the person when we say it.

Simply gestures such as pay attention and be curious when people are saying something to me, pause before speaking something rude, reward behavior I like and ignore what I don’t, taking a moment to thank someone for a job interview, by escorting an old man to a room he is looking for, or sometimes simply pampering yourself – having a great haircut, nice dress, or taking one piece of junk at a time out of you room when you need to clean it up.

We forget that while taking advantage of the smallest opportunities and to become more alert to other people and to their surroundings as well, might actually leave a valuable impact on someone. I try to consciously practice them everyday and hope that there would be so much less conflict, irritation, and anger – so much less displeasure, annoyance, and ill-temper. Small gesture can deliver a mighty powerful or a memorable impact and there are countless examples around us…nothing is insignificant however we innocently chose to dismiss.

Each of the world’s largest corporations began as a small idea that one or two people began to develop, albeit with “high hopes and great expectations.” Think of that idea as an acorn. Today, it is an oak tree. The same can be said of small and isolated acts of kindness that have become worldwide movements to help those less fortunate.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It’s the Golden Rule. Everyone knows it but not many actually follow it. During my low times, I have been rewarded with the most astonishing experiences which have lift me in high spirits. It made me realize that all those times I feel helpless, I’m not. I navigate through life’s big obstacles, by thinking small. Any major event can be dissected to the point of realizing the success or failure of completing the small details is what makes or breaks the deal. Shrink down my problems into more manageable pieces and they vanish!! It may take a lot of painstaking baby steps to accomplish, but it’s certainly worth it.

Life isn’t made up of Big Things and Big moments - it’s made up of little things and little moments in our day-to-day life. This is important to remember, particularly in our culture that likes to focus on The Next Big Thing.

“Inch by inch makes life a cinch.” Very simple advice, but something we often lose track of. Small things alter the course of events in significant ways. It’s definitely something to think about – what you can/can’t do to make a difference, good or bad!

Angel in disguise – My Mom!

Like two sides of a single coin, every woman is different – just like my mom and me. Similarly, my relationship with my mom was both satisfying and frustrating, harmonious and discordant, and full of blessing and hurt. There are two sides to every story and everyone has their own story.

No matter how strong our bond is, there were turbulent times, challenges, and transitional periods that put a strain on our relationship. Many times, it was when I am making my own way through the “real world” and striving to find my own identity in my world. She was finding it hard to deal when I was choosing a different lifestyle than she would have chosen for me. It was like riding a rollercoaster that I couldn’t get off. Parts of it left me screaming, “Let me off!”. I wanted to feel that my mom is not trying to “fix” things for me, but instead that my mom has confidence in me that I will figure even this tough situation out, and I will find a solution. Instead of giving advice on everything, especially when the advice was not requested, just listen, provide support, and believe in.

We did, at times, have similarities but also realized that we are individual people. The relationship problem with adult daughter like me occur when my mother still perceives me as a child. Initially, she did have a hard time in letting go…letting me learn from my own mistakes. Well, I understand that it’s hard, because she looks back on her younger years, and want to shelter me from what mistakes she probably made at that time.

As a daughter…I sometimes struggle with my mom’s desire to still parent me in my 30s. Yet, I might be following similar footsteps with my own daughter when I have one. Will relationships ever be easy? I doubt it. Women are women…regardless of age…we are intricate, complex and sometimes (especially like me in my family) stubborn.

My mom would relate an incident, and I would explain what I was feeling about the same situation. Together we have really faced some incredible circumstances. We had numerous occasions/situations wherein we allowed each other the freedom to be who they are and trust their judgement. Like all moms, she has opinions. At times, I think she should keep opinions to herself until asked. You know what? I ask her a lot. As I grow older, we are singing more in tune than ever but sometimes we still get off-key, but as practice makes perfect, we start again and enjoy the beautiful harmonies when we find them.

We get along, for the most part, with eachother but it seems that sometimes I just don’t understand her and she doesn’t understand me. We still have our “moments”. Now, although she doesn’t agree with accepting my worldly decisions, but she does agree that she should love them unconditionally.

Even as a young child, I can remember as far back all through high school, all my friends wished they had a relationship with their mother like I had with mine. I don’t know how many times I’ve said “I could never have picked a better mother than the one God gave me.” (And secretly wish my daughter would pray the same)

Happy Mother’s day to my Mom…my Angel!!

Related articles

• 25 Things My Mom Taught Me (todaysfreshmanna.wordpress.com)

Its good to…

• Try to wake early.
• Wear high heels as long it doesnt hurt my feet.
• Have a little garden with soft green grass to walk barefoot.
• Reduce the number of cups of tea I take in a day…and to try green tea for a month and to continue if I like it.
• Start carrying a bottle of water to drink during the day.
• Have my daily meals timely and NOT skip my breakfast.
• Live near the water or the mountains or both. (Lie on a hammock reading a book and sipping my fav drink..ah, solace!)
• Help with no expectations of my own
• Learn to let go and not giving two shits.
• Have breakfast in bed on saturday mornings.
• Receive fresh flowers and gifts for no reason at all.
• Strive to be a better person than I was the day before each and every day.
• Make someone smile and to lift them up when they are feeling blue.
• Have a partner who honors commitments, who speaks truly and freely, and plans birthday trips to Paris!
• Feel as beautiful around people as I feel when I am on my own in my room – be it in a pretty dress and perfect hairdo or in my night dress.
• Continue my search for the right pair of blue jeans.
• Stop asking for perfect moments to do things.
• Be able to say I’m sorry when I do wrong or hurt someone.
• Truly put my stubbornness aside without stepping away from what I believe in.
• Return to a lounge just because I thought the live music was playing my kinda-music.
• Sit late into the night as darkness folds over itself and enjoy watching the stars.
• Pray and give thanks for beautiful people around me and for my life!
• Be a happy woman being my own.

P.S.  I went through an emotionally tough time recently and I can tell you that as time passes it does get better even though you may feel like you’re dying inside. And making this list made me think for myself and simply made me smile…