Glasses of Gender

Couple of my married girlfriends have been told during their hiring process of their job interview that as woman they might probably need time for maternity leave or if they have children, they might need time to take care of their emotional needs and others. More to the point, in a very different conversation, the same employer told them that women are more committed and more dedicated to their jobs. Argghh!! What is the discussion point, you might wonder…

Having a family *does* put a huge damper on a woman’s ability to progress in her career and it has a direct impact on everything from salary to responsibilities. Few of my married girlfriends/colleagues, I am afraid, have accepted less salary just to get the opportunity. They didn’t feel like they had to do that, but at that point they just wanted to so be back in the game without feeling that they have completely sacrificed their career. Make sense…!!

There is an underlying assumption that men work to support their families and in contrast, women, especially married women, are often viewed as working for the sake of working or for “extra” money. The idea that a woman is not financially independent and simply working for “extra” money is ludicrous. Looking into history, tribal women who were the primary providers. The way people live their lives hasn’t changed that much, but it is time for “the powers that be” to adapt and start treating people as individuals, rather than representations of their gender. On contrary, a break in career on a woman’s resume for wanting some time away for her kids is accepted without speculation, while for a man this seems difficult to explain on his resume.

Before we can change the mindset of society, we have to change our mindset first as we form the society. Women, in most cases consider themselves secondary income earners. To some degree women, even as entrepreneurs, don’t focus on growing revenue if they have a partner that makes the largest income. Let’s face it we will always be the primary care takers, as long as that is the case. However, we must realize it’s OUR choice and not the man’s fault.

Not all women put salary or climbing the corporate/business ladder as a top priority. For most women it’s ‘family first’ so they are prepared to trade-off the top jobs and salaries for their family (I might do so too). However, in heart, most of us want job flexibility with reduced hours and to get that, we might have to take the status and financial hit! Frankly speaking, women choose to prioritize life outside of work ahead of career frequently whereas men prioritize career ahead of personal life. Do both have trade-offs? Absolutely and sometimes that equates to less pay, career setbacks or missing growing years of their child. Many of my friends were sad when they heard from day-care that their child took their first-step while they were struggling to work their ass off at work. Not worth it, is what your heart tells you until your mind over-powers you reminding you of your mortgage.

It will be great if we remove the invisible “glasses of gender” from our eyes. Equality has to be accepted for both genders to see the changes we keep saying we want in society. The balance of family and work needs to be negotiated with your life partner and your compensation with your employer.

Everyday Love (Drawings by Nidhi Chanani)

As soon as i stumbled upon everydayloveart.com, I was lost in a fascinating world of story-telling. Each illustration – no arbid doodles, are simple yet speaks a story by themselves. Inspirations drawn from her life, experiences, relationships and world surrounding her…she makes everything so colorful and beautiful. Take a moment to visit her website and explore her drawings. Sip chai (hot cup of tea) as you will be a while out there.

All images by Nidhi Chanani, everydayloveart.com

**Being a storyteller by using her drawings**

Maybe…

1. Maybe…we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
2. Maybe…when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don’t even see the new one which has been opened for us.
3. Maybe…it is true that we don’t know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don’t know what we have been missing until it arrives.
4. Maybe…the happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
5. Maybe…the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can’t go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.
6. Maybe…you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.
7. Maybe…there are moments in life when you miss someone — a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child — so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.
8. Maybe…the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.
9. Maybe…you should always try to put yourself in others’ shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.
10. Maybe…you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.
11. Maybe…giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don’t expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn’t, be content that it grew in yours.
12. Maybe…happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.
13. Maybe…you shouldn’t go for looks; they can deceive; don’t go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.
14. Maybe…you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy
15. Maybe…you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.

Self-realization

I am NOT where I thought I would be at the age of 34. This was definitely not my plan. Not at all. But I know my life is MY life and I have created it. I am where I am today because of the choices I have made along the way.  And I can honestly say I am proud of them and proud of my life, even though it’s turned out to be a surprise to everyone, including me.

At times, I am distracted by my own denial of self worth. I am frozen in my tracks by the mere thought of attempting something slightly different. I am not content in my current profile in my new company – it is not aligning with my career path,  and am so drained by the end of the day…I just cant think.

I love Margaret Meade’s quote today, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has.”  Well, I am in THAT “small group.” Immediately, my mind comes in and says, “How dare you say such an egotistical thing that most people will laugh at.” My heart responds, “You know it is true; this is all that matters. You are already changing the world by changing yourself; Keep going.” “Hypocrite!” my ego screams. “The way is out, is the way through!” my heart replies.

The present moment is our future. I have been distracting myself with my future. What? Huh? I distract myself with MY FUTURE, all the while my loved ones need more from me. Loved ones who are right there for me.

My typical attitude with life is go-go-go. I pride myself on my efficiency. So when I get to a pausing point, or a slowing point, it stresses me out. Sometimes I even feel “frozen” by my stress and anxiety. I usually will come home after work, then I am so tired and drained from a dreamless-job that I know I could be better. I am not giving my dream “my best”, it’s getting the tired “seconds”.  I wish to switch it around to wake up and give my dream my best one morning.

I am amazed by the people who are able to overcome these distractions and really make space for their calling. Keeping the dream alive is  difficult when you don’t see any real progress. It’s a lonely place sometimes, just me and my dream, but all of the little things I can do every day, no matter how little time I have to devote to it, will add it up over time.

I am following an ever shifting path – running at times – and slowed down at other times by the difficulty of the trail. I have learnt that it’s okay to pause. It’s not always full speed ahead towards achieving my dreams. In fact, the biggest lessons may be learned at those times I am slowed down and made to see something I would not see if I was simply running by – many other things are important in my life – things for me to experience – along the path to achieving my dreams. I believe it’s important to stay on the path, to not be lured off it by the many habitual time-wasters out there or by any miserable souls who would love to suck you into their negative reality and drain all of the positive energy out of you. But, all the different paces are necessary. The slow times pop up for a reason! So I continue on my path – running as I can but slowing as I must.

I am inspired to write this quote… “I work hard to accomplish the meaningful things in my life, so that my life will not be remembered as meaningless.” -Giorge Leedy

Agree to Disagree

“Nothing gets accomplished without accountability,” said a wise U.S. Department of Education leader of educational reform. In simple words, to me this does imply the mere fact that it takes more than one for accomplishment, and many to be a powerful force.

I’ve never had an idea that couldn’t be improved by sharing it with others. Quite often, the “other” is someone who disagrees with me, sometimes fundamentally. Sometimes, usually in the middle of a heated discussion of next steps, it’s difficult to appreciate the colleagues who push and challenge me. I wouldn’t trade them for anything though. They make me better at what I do. Great ideas are meant to be shared!

One of my best and worst co-workers was one who challenged me on Everything. It was bad because it slowed things down.  I’d have to spend a lot of time building up a case for any new decisions.  It was good because it forced me to really think through important decisions – and be ready for a challenge.

I believe challenging ideas is often the best way to create new ones. People must be open to this concept and not intimidated by the questioning required to improve and/or create something new. Virtually,  it’s the best way to keep up with change. It’s overwhelming to see what can be accomplished when the people who challenge each other are also dedicated to showing each other mutual respect and arriving at a mutually agreeable outcome.

The challenging of ideas can definitely be a motivating factor. It can lead to compromise and benefits for both the teams as well as idea refinement for allies. Challenge eliminates complacency. All work environments need to embrace a healthy level of engaging, divergent thought-leadership perspectives.

If you want to be a champion then surround yourself with people who want to be champions. If you want to compete at the highest levels then train with those who compete at the highest levels. Spend lots of time with the people who will raise your game. If you want to grow then put yourself with a team that will make you uncomfortable when you do things that are wrong. Hang out with people who will push you to do the difficult things.

So even if you disagree with my thoughts, lets agree to disagree!!

Loss of Words!!

A blank page… It has so much potential, isn’t it? If I was a literary genius I would be able to write a master piece perhaps…each day.

Now that I’ve set the right expectations, and if you are still around to read more, let me state that I have absolutely nothing to write that could possibly be even remotely interesting to you. This blank page is a waste of words. I’m sure by now you agree with me and would have stopped reading. But there are some curious people out there that will continue to read just out of curiosity to see why the little black letters continue to go on even after the blogger has stated that she has nothing to write about.

The thing about writing is that anyone who knows how to write can well, write! But that does not make everyone who writes a writer, just like anyone who can hold a paint brush and paint a wall does not become a Michelangelo. There is a big difference in the painter who paints walls and the painter who paints pictures, so I suppose there is a big difference between a writer who writes her ramblings (like me) and a writer that writes a masterpiece novel.

Ah! now I’m just at a loss of words…:)

Strut along

You just say the word “Shoes” and any woman perks up! Girls love their shoes!

Past weekend, I was organizing my shoes and they brought back memories. Each shoe had a story - Places where I have trodden wearing my high brown boots, black heels with silver bow strap in which I slipped during a date, neon green stomping boots bought during winter breaks to ‘look stylish’, and oh yes! those painful stilletos which reminds me that sometimes we need to be barefoot.

We all want the answer to our life’s purpose. We want to stay on the path that ensures we are not going to fall in the ditch. We need to learn how to be “That Girl.” - That girl who always seems so strong on the inside. That girl who knows how to walk through challenges. That girl who is confident and always has a light about her. That girl who ALWAYS has the perfect shoes for her outfit!!

Being prepared is half the battle and choosing the correct shoes is such a fun way to look at it! I love shoes and realize I need to always be ready for what life may throw. Therefore, we need to make sure that we are running our race with the “right” shoes on at the “right” time so we can finish “our” race strong.

To learn about the different seasons of life and how to be equipped for whatever comes our way, it is crucial to put on the right shoes everyday to walk strong in life no matter what we face!!

So ladies, let’s strut along…

Enjoy the ride!

Sometimes we complain of our difficulty in keeping life together. You are actually not surprised by this comment, are you?

Most of us struggle to deal with all the things we have on our plate on a daily basis. So whether it’s the daily onslaught of world news, the endless to do list, or wondering how we could have misplaced the hot cup of tea we just poured, sometimes so many things are going on at once, that it can be overwhelming.

My parent’s piece of advice when I am feeling a little swamped is the idea that a state of chaos often precedes a new order of things. It’s sort of like the calm after the storm: the rainstorm with the whipping winds and thunder, followed by a period of a calm blue skies with birds chirping and nature looking clean and refreshed. It’s only when we actually come out on the other side of the chaos that we can gain insight, understanding, or a new perspective.

Chores and tasks can seem too hard if we think about them all at once. We could look at small pieces of the job and doing them with a smile . Mental tasks can be pleasant when shared with others who are interested in doing a good job. Why not put our head together with a creative friend who knows our style?

But there is no doubt that the actual process of living the chaos can be difficult. That said, there are things that can help to move us through the confusion or conflict faster and easier. First, it’s important to accept when are we feeling overwhelmed. Being confused or conflicted happens to almost everyone countless times throughout life. By accepting our negative emotions or anxiety, we can actually liberate ourselves so that we can begin to change whatever it is that is making us uncomfortable.

Once we can accept conflict or confusion in things or events, we can begin to let go of them. Hanging on to old baggage, just because it feels familiar or because we are afraid to let it go keeps us in a state of discomfort. If we are having trouble letting go of things that aren’t good for us, we may need to consider seeking some help – by simply talking to a trusted family member or a friend. Sharing and asking for assistance is not a sign of weakness, but rather a step in a positive direction, and it is surprising how helpful it can be.

Feelings of chaos and confusion will come and go like the tides. It is realizing this that actually allows us to move through the ups and downs more easily and to go with the flow.

‘Worry’ is your ‘worry’

Who amongst us has not worried at one time or another? Everyone worries – and it seems to be taking over our life and happiness. We all have times in our lives when we worry but where does it ever get us?

I am 34 years old and have ‘ramped up’ my worrying over the past few years. This ‘habit’ began with a very stressful job where I struggled to go above and beyond and still not receiving the due credit. And to add to this, my personal life went topsy-turvy too. My worry was crippling…the kind of worry where you can’t get out of bed in the morning but you haven’t slept all night due to worrying. Oh, my worries were real enough, I had good cause to worry!

Worry became the norm. And it was a norm that was destructive, energy sapping and ultimately incredibly dangerous. I was turning into a seasoned worrier, often having a hard time distinguishing between a real, legitimate worry, and a concocted, overblown one. I was afraid of having bad feelings–I was afraid that I would get so depressed I couldn’t stand it.

I had the added problem of worrying about my worrying which may seem laughable now but it is very frustrating as I don’t actually have anything to worry about IF I remember to just live in the present. All of my fears lie in the future

Most of us try to use to get rid of worry (try not to think about it, seek reassurance from others) and it backfires. “I don’t know something for sure then it must be bad” and we constantly jump to conclusions. Do we not?

I have realized that there is a difference between productive and unproductive worry. This is a relief because I don’t have to stop worrying and still be happy. I have realized that I might have some good reasons to feel sad or anxious at times–but I don’t need to worry to get rid of those feelings. People who worry are actually avoiding emotion.

We have choices in every moment that we can use to make ourself happy or miserable. It’s just that simple. But simple doesn’t mean easy-we have to practice over and over again because long-held ways of thinking and behaving don’t yield to change overnight.

There are some simple things in the course of life that change the way you view things. They are often referred to as an ‘epiphany’. Living one day at a time sounds like a great idea and I am doing so.

After all, worry is simply a waste of imagination!!

A Woman

A MUST Read for A Woman - each one of them out there…an advice well kept safely in a treasure box

Thanks Mimi for reminding the ladies their worth!!