A Blank Page…

There is a story about a time the Buddha was out walking and Angulimala, a notorious serial killer, came upon him. Angulimala shouted for the Buddha to stop, but the Buddha kept walking slowly and calmly. Angulimala caught up with him and demanded to know why he hadn’t stopped. The Buddha replied, “Angulimala, I stopped a long time ago. It is you who have not stopped.” He went on to explain, “I stopped committing acts that cause suffering to other living beings. All living beings want to live. All fear death. We must nurture a heart of compassion and protect the lives of all beings.” Startled, Angulimala asked to know more. By the end of the conversation, Angulimala vowed never again to commit violent acts and decided to become a monk.

How could the Buddha remain so calm and relaxed when faced with a murderer? This is an extreme example, but each of us faces our fears in one way or another every day. Buddha was a human being, and he also knew fear. But because he spent each day practicing mindfulness and looking closely at his fear, when confronted with the unknown, he was able to face it calmly and peacefully. Ofcourse, I can practice mindfulness when asleep but I surely have learnt to acknowledge it now.

Most of us experience a life full of wonderful moments and difficult moments. But for many of us, even when we are most joyful, there is fear behind our joy. We fear that this moment will end, that we won’t get what we need, that we will lose what we love, or that we will not be safe. So even when we are surrounded by all the conditions for happiness, our joy is not complete.

We may think that if we ignore our fears, they’ll go away. But if we bury worries and anxieties in our consciousness, they continue to affect us and bring us more sorrow. We are very afraid of being powerless. But we have the power to look deeply at our fears, and then fear cannot control us. We can transform our fear. Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.

The first part of looking at our fear is just inviting it into our awareness without judgment. We should acknowledge gently that it is there. This brings a lot of relief already. Then, once our fear has calmed down, we can embrace it tenderly and look deeply into its roots, its sources. Understanding the origins of our anxieties and fears will help us let go of them.

Is our fear coming from something that is happening right now or is it an old fear, a fear from when we were small that we’ve kept inside? When we practice inviting all our fears up, we become aware that we are still alive, that we still have many things to treasure and enjoy. If we are not pushing down and managing our fear, we can enjoy the sunshine, the fog, the air, and the water. If we can look deep into our fear and have a clear vision of it, then we really can live a life that is worthwhile.

When things are tough, we tend to get discouraged and do less than we’ve done before. Wrong! This is the worst time to slow down. The best cure for discouragement is to double our effort, so as to calm our fears and motivate us to keep going.

Fearlessness is not only possible, it is the ultimate joy. When we touch non-fear, we are free. But we should not wait for the critical moment to arrive before we start to transform our fear and live mindfully. Nobody can give us fearlessness. Even if the Buddha sat next to us, he couldn’t give it to us. We have to practice it and realize it ourself. If we make a habit of mindfulness practice, when difficulties arise, we will already know what to do.

It takes a lot of hard work to succeed. It’s sad to see people today constantly chasing the next quick fix, the next scheme that promises them a million bucks in 30 days. Because it won’t happen. As the wise said, nothing worthwhile comes easy. If we want success in our life, we have got to work hard at it…we have got to be positive no matter what hits the fan, we have got to believe in ourself and what we are doing.

Few years ago, I  waited for opportunity to knock (like a chrysalis in a cocoon). I did not realize that I needed to hear “No” to get opportunity to open the door. We need to get sufficiently accustomed to hearing “No” so that we can move on to the next conversation with ease and enough curiosity to make necessary changes to get to “Yes”.

We spend a lot of time worried about what is happening to us. We focus a lot of attention on when things might happen. We ask a lot of questions about where we will end up. Often in life, the what, when and where are not going to turn out the way we want them to turn out. We don’t always get to choose those things, but we do get to choose the why. We may not get to choose what our future is going to be, but at any given time we do get to choose why we are living the way we do.

I am not saying that I make impossible possible but sometimes I feel like I can walk into the lion’s den with a string of raw meat hanging from my neck and come out a winner. But as we are warned, life is not easy. It’s not for people who give up, who listen to their fears, or who will not give their all.

Remember life from this moment is still a blank page…

Chai anyone?

I found a cool chai-inspired T-shirt at the Tantra website. It has a chai-wallah doing his usual rounds with a dented aluminum kettle and half a dozen cheap tea-glasses – I love the quirky illustration.

The Tantra T-shirt says: Chai … India’s National Drink   Stronger than Vodka, Healthier than Rum, Cheaper than Scotch.

Thank You…

There is so much humanity, so much grace and good humor, so much strength and wisdom. I am thankful and be grateful for:

• The difference it made sometimes when someone just reached into the heart of our experience and named it, and sat there with us in it.
• That moment. For the chance each of us has to offer that moment to others through our listening and our respect, and the chance to make what we choose of that moment when it’s our turn.
• Throwing off this big blanket, that heavy swathing that collects around us as we move through the week of obligations. And we wake the wildness in us, stretch, shake, perambulate, whatever gets it moving, and wonder if it is time.
• The opportunity to be uncomfortable. In the strange and lonely corners of discomfort is where we find those moments of beautiful sadness when life pulsates vibrantly around us and within us, opening our heart to accept the raw and the brutal equivocally with the selfless and kind.
• For second chances. Deserved or undeserved, but truly given without reservation. Given to me and to others, but most importantly, the one I gave to myself.
• When life beat me into submission, because that is how I learnt to fight with compassion instead of fury. I am not broken, I am bendable, and I can survive anything. Damaged goods are the best kind there are, ain’t it?
• Strong, healthy friendships with wonderful people met personally, professionally and virtually who showed me the way back into the sunlight. The friends who never fail to ask the hard questions. Who show up to worry and to carry the worry and to blow it all off.
• My own tenacious spirit, which has gotten me through this difficult year. It feels like a miracle, and I’m living it every single day.
• Being lucky enough to discover depths and layers of love I’d never even imagined, love that almost hurts.
• Holding stake in my own happiness. Sure, things bite shit sometimes. But there are arms in the world that want me, and two of them are my own. That’s plenty.
• These days I can cry tears that are more honest than ever before, that my heart is not aching in vain, that I know that I am doing right by me.
• The strength to know tomorrow is another chance—the ability to understand that many others won’t have my tomorrow.
• The confidence to be alone, and not lonely. I am grateful for the way life takes you to the place farthest from what you dreamt for yourself, and that you can make a life for yourself, there.
• My grandfather, the bitter-sweet legacy he left and the love he lived.
• My parents because of their steady values and clean living, I have what I now recognize as a wholeness of spirit. It turns out the random-seeming gift of a happy childhood is not to be underestimated. The most amazing part is that they gave me this without any obligation.
• My brother, who is engineering his clever way to great things
• My adorable dog Whisky, who greeted me gleefully, rifled through the trash, and reminded me to find joy in all things.

I am grateful for words…I am grateful beyond words every single second of every day.

Happy Thanksgiving to all !!!

This Is It…Shake It Up!!

I have noticed that the people whose lives are heavily weighted with responsibility tend to smile and laugh a lot less than those who have fewer concerns. While that observation isn’t particularly surprising, I am convinced that it doesn’t have to be that way. I am very fond of a saying attributed to Abraham Lincoln: People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. I am a firm believer that if you want to have fun and happiness in your life, you have to choose it and then take steps to make it happen.

Sometimes we find ourself pretty much in same routine, continuously doing the same old thing, eating the same food regularly, following the same familiar route to work each day, we are probably in a rut. One way to combat this monotony is to shake things up a bit. Take a different route to work, try out a new restaurant for lunch, try to vary your work tasks, even if it’s just switching around the order you do them. Little shifts like this can change our perspective and pull us out of an unpleasant rut we may find ourself in.

Laughing more also helps, definitely. Even if I haven’t felt much like laughing lately I know what to do to bring laughter back. One of my favorite ways is to watch a funny show or to read funny books or my favorite blogs (Ah! too many). It is surprising how calming that is. Studies show that laughing helps boost our immune system and lower our stress levels. Those are great reasons to laugh as much as possible.

Few months back I spent Sunday afternoons at a golf course. This was another idea to bring fun back into my life – to try something new and challenging. The key was to find something I hadn’t done before and then approach it with the goal to have fun. And although I initially found it boring, I soon realized that by choosing an activity where nothing is riding on the outcome, I could focus on enjoying the experience rather than worrying about how well I do things.

Find ways to help shake up our routine while having a little fun in the process…

And while we are at it, let’s take time to notice all the wonder around us. Pay attention to how many things we enjoy doing each day, such as things we may do automatically or take for granted…be mindful of them and see how our experience changes. It makes a big difference when we count our blessings and work on creating an attitude of gratitude. We experience a lot more fun and joy in the process. Ain’t it?

Job Advertisement for Humor Specialist (Just For Laughs)

Ironically, this is the best job ad I have seen so far!! With the dark humor in the financial crisis, Treasury sure was looking for more entertainment… =). No wonder Geithner wanted the Treasury’s budget increased.

Would you have considered the job as a Humor Specialist?? If only I had worked on my humor since childhood

Social bragging…!!

Networking in virtual space is a great way to keep in touch with people you don’t see regularly. But you have to remember it’s basically a giant holiday newsletter. While I certainly don’t mind when people post pictures of vacations or family events on social networking sites, I don’t post those pictures because I am a little more of a private person than some – just like in real life conversations some people share a lot and some are more private.

I think there’s so much tragic and bad stuff in the world that sometimes people want to celebrate the good. ”Phew, I am neck-deep loaded with work but look at this nice box of chocolates my sweetheart sent me.” It’s not a competition, it’s just a way of saying, “Life ain’t perfect so I’m going to savor the times when it is so that I can remember them when it really sucks.“

It has been my experience…and I’m NOT saying this is always, or even usually, the case, but in my experience, people who post overly happy braggish stuff on Facebook tend to be rather unhappy people who are only trying to make themselves feel better with whatever responses they may get. When I see these types of posts, I always feel a pang of pity for the status update. If you have to advertise it, it’s because it isn’t as good as it seems.

Yes, there are kvetchers and soul-barers, but in most cases, people post the good stuff (in other words, brag) and don’t confide their insecurities and heartbreak. I guess genuine human interaction still occurs face to face, voice to voice, side by side. In lieu of negative posts, these people will Vaguebook. “I knew today was going to be bad.” “No good news yet.” “Some people make me so angry, I could scream.” Then they wait patiently for someone to ask for more information.

You might be wondering why do I feel the need to be so judgmental about Facebook posts or for that matter any virtual networking? My personal favorites are humorous, ironic observations on the absurdities of life. Having said that, other than worrying about a person who wants us to be a mind-reader and answer his dilemma. I “like” the posts I like, and ignore the rest. I feel no need to join in by sharing my similar info others share in the posts I don’t “like”. Not giving in to “new cultural standards” AKA peer pressure, is part of being an adult.

There have been academic articles written about how FB is causing people to become increasingly self-obsessed/narcissistic. I think it’s helpful to remember that we needn’t compare the reality of our private lives with the outward images others project of theirs. Who posts a bad picture of themselves on twitter or google+? Who lets the world know about the marital spat at dinnertime, or how their doctor just prescribed them a new anti-depressant? I’ve seen people post pictures of gifts from Tiffany’s, sonograms, announce job offers, announce deaths and that’s obviously not bragging, but it is weird watching people “like” an obituary. I will not lie but I used to have “Facebook envy” few months back when Life was not a romantic comedy. I am temporarily not on facebook since then and somehow I feel more at peace and self-connected. When things are down in your life, seeing people “brag” or “share” or whatever can be overwhelming. I will never fully understand virtual networking. But, I have learned to let it go and focus on living my life and letting others live theirs…

One can feel competitive reading the “brag” posts or one can feel happy that life is good reading the same posts. I choose “life is good”. Well, humans are born storytellers!!!

Unfold the napkin!!

If we can set aside our expectations suddenly everything good that enters our life becomes a blessing. Hang on to our expectations and we can expect to be dissatisfied when they aren’t met, and unappreciative when they do come true – after all, we expected to get it and felt that we deserved it, so why should we appreciate it?

Most of our problems stem from dissatisfaction with situations that are perfectly acceptable, even though they fall short of our preferences. However, sometimes…our problems are simple, clear and to the point. But we are caught in a web of advices, solutions, empathy provided by people around us instead of dispensing common-sense advice or no advice at all.

The problem of course as with most ‘advice’ even when it’s the best in the world, is that it is far easier to give, than to take. When we look to others, or other “things,” we’re not solving our problems but only creating additional problems for ourselves. If what you’re looking for are solutions, then you’ve just found them.

One of the secrets to solve the problem is recognizing that everything has a price. And we must determine if we are willing to pay the price or let it go. Even a relationship has a price…so does not being in a relationship. Is there a place in our life where we are bemoaning the price we have had to pay?

We are actually obligated to be happy because it makes us better people…but this is not as easy as it sounds, in that it requires a continuing process of counting our blessings and giving up expectations that life is supposed to be wonderful…it will only happen when we take responsibility for our life rather than spend time blaming others.

There are so many problems that come up in life and few for the first time in my life. I had answers to things I should have done in the past but most importantly, things to do in the future. I know for a fact that through prayer and waiting, all things work out for good according to God’s plans. I have had times when I wondered why God would let this or that happen but in the end found out it has made me a much better, stronger, and prayerful person. I now put problems or questions in God’s hands and wait for answers while trying to find the solutions myself. HE never fails. I am not saying “dump all your problems on God”.  You may feel overburdened, but don’t throw in the towel just yet, my friend.

We are always too focused on our problems to remember what do we appreciate more, the gift we have demanded or the one we didn’t expect? Learn to unfold the napkin…

Woof Woof Woof

The driving force for today’s post is a heart-warming post from my blogger friend who reminded me of my adorable tubby-rub-alicious dogs who touch my heart with their fond memories.

Last year when I visited my cousin in UK, I met my cousin’s Sally – an adorable three-legged doggie. My cousin volunteers at an animal shelter. I have heard what being in a shelter can do to a dog or how dogs that are shifted around can “act up.” They just need someone to show them love and give them guidance. They don’t have that trust factor that goes along with getting adopted at a younger age. Sally was brought in with one of her hind leg broken — as  her leg was tied to a fence with a steel chain by her ruthless owners. My cousin felt some bond instantly when she saw Sally and she decided to adopt her. Her leg was amputated and now she is a happy doggie who has loves playing football with my cousins…and she fits in the family just like a piece of puzzle.

Then there is Whisky (my little miracle)…well, she is unique just like every doggie yet a little different. She is on her own schedule, her own march through life, and in her own world. She makes sure she lets us know she will be the “back up” if we need help fighting spiders and any intruders that might try to break in. She will sit on my lap or lay on my paper/book when I am trying to read. The sterile environment of a vet’s office makes her run in the opposite direction and its takes three to tango..err…to hold her while her doctor does her routine checkup. What appears to be madness however, may just be youthful enthusiasm for life and above average intelligence, only Whisky knows for certain. It’s an adventure in discovering what makes her tick. While still retaining her sense of fun, Whisky became disciplined enough to handle a move to a different city to live with my parents (due to my overseas travel) and bonded well with two other dogs who lived with my parents, Bruno and Champagne.

In my relationship with her , there is this essential intertwining of souls that exists in no other relationship. She is my “doggie soul-mate”. It makes me think about the role we play in our pets’ lives, for good and for bad. She taught me that a big hug, her favorite treat and a good long belly rub is all it takes to be happy, and often we (humans) forget to look beyond this while wishing for happiness.

At times when I feel low, sometime with her toy ball (gripped tightly in her mouth) and sometimes with a look, as if to say ‘I understand and am here for you’. Maybe it was the moment. Whatever it was, it was perfect..and it still is…everytime!!

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If you are a sucker for movies, watch Hachiko. Caution: Keep a Kleenex box handy and to know the storyline read further on.

There is a statue of a dog in the Shibuya train station in Tokyo. It was first set in place in 1934 to commemorate the loyalty and devotion of an Akita who waited for his master for ten years. The master was a university teacher, who died unexpectedly at work. It was the Akita’s habit to wait for his master’s return from work then walk home together. Because he could not understand why his master did not return, he faithfully waited until he died in his place at the station, where the statue was erected in his honor. This is the brief narration of a true story. He becomes a symbol of the devoted, loyal dog, man’s best friend.

I err therefore I am

Everyone makes mistakes. That’s why we say, “To err is human.” Yet, there is an internal force which sometimes drives us to hide our mistakes, either from ourselves or others or both.

At times I have a problem with being wrong. It is always hard to swallow, it seems as if I should have foreseen all the difficulties or roadblocks. As my careers progress, it usually gets harder to justify experimenting because I feel that my hard-earned reputations will suffer if I make a mistake. At times, I end up sticking to the safe path, rather than taking a potentially riskier way. The result is stagnation and a boring life. *sigh*

To err, we know, is human. But if that is true, then why do we (I’m putting myself in this category) take erring so hard? Sometimes the idea that we have been so often wrong in the past that it is pretty much certain that we will be wrong again makes it difficult. As Augustine once said, Fallor Ergo Sum (I err therefore I am). But why can’t people admit to being wrong?

I stumbled upon a TEDx talk by Kathryn Schulz which spoke about why we need to get over our fear of being wrong. Uhmm…it made me think – Why is it so fun to be right? Why do we feel embarrassed or defensive to admit being wrong? How often have I been part of senseless arguments because neither side, having become entrenched in our position, is willing to back down or find a middle ground to resolve things? How do I think and react to error and mistakes? Why am I unable to embrace my own inescapable fallibility and imperfectness?

I consider and re-consider various life situations where I am quite certain about my analysis of the situation, and that my beyond-the-shadow-of-a-doubt notion may not always be how things really are, only how things appear to be. I have made and am still making choices and then discovering that they were wrong.

We act plain dumb when it comes to accepting our blunders – yet remain cheerfully and stubbornly hopeful that we will not repeat our mistakes, and the ridiculous reasons for why we are right about something even against all evidence and proof. It does not matter whether our beliefs are conscious or unconscious, or if they are true or not, they determine how we feel and how we act every day of our lives. The brain itself is geared to error because it makes such lightning fast assumptions to be able to function in this world of sensory overload. You cannot take in all available sensory information, you naturally filter on a need to know basis, this is what sometimes leads to being wrong and it being funny because of the ridiculous things we mistakenly do. Feelings also lead us astray with what we want to be true…especially when it comes to family, friends, and lovers.

Inattentional blindness is an excellent example of us not being able to notice things that are in plain view.

There are many factors that lead us to err. We have the ability of people to be unduly influenced by peer pressures, even though most of us think that we are independent thinkers not prone to being influenced by what other people think. Independent thought is clearly a worthwhile endeavor; however, it in no way protects us from error. The fact is, we are “profoundly dependent on other people’s minds”– we tend to automatically accept advice/help/support from people we trust, we tend to automatically reject from people who are unfamiliar, disagreeable, or confrontational. Perhaps, doing both to our disadvantage. Perhaps assumed knowledge can be source of tremendous error. We have an amazing capacity to deny even obvious errors. Recognition of wrong is against human norms!!

And what about if we didn’t err? Well, if we didn’t err, we couldn’t ever change or grow and become more wiser. If we didn’t err, then life would be a whole lot more predictable than it is, having good and bad repercussions. If we didn’t err, we would never experience surprise or have reason to reflect or think deeply.

One needs to come to terms on just how being wrong is perfectly “normal” and a part of who we are, and start to move away from the belief that being wrong meant bring sloppy, or stupid, or ignorant. I broke free from I-was-blind-but-now-I-see shell. It makes sense that our brains would want to take shortcuts for efficiency sake, and it makes sense that sometimes those shortcuts will be off. Being fallible is hard-wired into our system. It is our tendency to be wrong about our own potential i.e., the fact that we constantly overestimate ourselves and underestimates the difficulty of our problems.

Erring should be seen not as a gaffe to be avoided, but a gaffe that should be embraced and accepted as an inevitable part of being human. Since life demands that we make decisions based on what we think will happen in the future, it is simply inevitable that some of these will be wrong. That is not and should not be a recipe for skepticism, which is a lazy attempt to fend-off error. Being aware of the mistakes we make that lead to error is the only way to curb it: recognize that fallibility is a part of life (not stupidity), make an effort to ‘hear the other side,’ phrase our predictions provisionally and treat them as such.

Erring is just part of life, yet we’re so intent on being right, we cling to our beliefs and positions and ignore evidence that undermines them, and we gloat when we’re right and someone else is wrong. We stubbornly cling to and defend positions that are factually incorrect.

There is a the good side of error – We are obsessed with making mistakes, and while caught by this obsession, we end up not learning from our experiences, thus making it more likely to make additional mistakes. There is no manual on getting things perfect.

Erring is also what makes life interesting and even funny (although it can sometimes be tragic). We are punished for our mistakes with demotions, contempt and sometimes, lifelong regret. Human error routinely leads to death or lasting suffering. As someone prone to being wrong (me: with no excuses or blame-worthy referents), I also found myself less invested in “being right” about small petty things that don’t really matter.

To err is human; to be aware of and admit the error is far more inhuman (Just Kidding!!)

Creative Quest

“Gardens are not made by singing ‘Oh, how beautiful’ and sitting in the shade.” ~ Rudyard Kipling

When was the last time you did that? Few minutes ago before you switched to WordPress to read a new blog. But, how do you express your creativity? Has it been long enough since you splurged in your creativity? Are you wondering ‘what is my creative side’?

In the daily rush to meet deadlines and fulfill social obligations, our creative self often gets shuffled to the sidelines – Ahem…Creative Destruction!!! And that’s not a good thing as our creativity is so closely connected to our sense of self-fulfillment.

Creativity helps us to experience the magical and playful side of OUR life. It lets us explore our passions and express ourselves artistically and without inhibitions.

In my case, my preferred creative passion is sketching/painting. Ah, solace…cos that’s my exclusive time! It fills me with much joy and satisfaction, and I also get to share with others in our club where we spend many glorious hours talking about our art work. (Sharing 2 sketches of mine at the end of this blog…Tell me how you like it).

Sadly, many people don’t consider themselves creative, especially if they don’t write, paint, play music, do pottery or gardening. But that is a limited perspective of creativity. There are many weird forms of creative self-expression with different kinds of execution and levels of expertise such as getting your dog groomed like a tiger, riding roller coasters (you might become a member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts!!), play dead, appearing in the background on TV or as humble as giving $10 to strangers.

Within each and every one of us exists an artistic being just waiting for the opportunity or a simple reason to shine. Our creative expression touches us on a very personal level. It can be as simple and spontaneous as singing in the shower or the car. It can be a playful moment of making up a silly limerick or strumming chords on a guitar, OR it could be a more directed and focused activity such as sewing a quilt, cooking an exceptional meal, or making your home a special place for you and for those close to you to relax and enjoy.

If it’s been a while since you have put on your creative hat, its time to exercise your inner artist…just open yourself up, nurture and enjoy your creative side. Ahem…what are you waiting for -  dive right in?

Here are 2 of my sketches…for inspiration.

Related articles

• Introducing a new form of creativity: M-Creativity (especially for World Creativity Week) (drnicko.wordpress.com)
• Grown Up Creativity: You Have The Right To Be Creative (lifestyle30.wordpress.com)
• Can creativity be taught? (teresaedmond.wordpress.com)
• What is creativity and do we all have it? (cherryoneill.wordpress.com)