Glasses of Gender

Couple of my married girlfriends have been told during their hiring process of their job interview that as woman they might probably need time for maternity leave or if they have children, they might need time to take care of their emotional needs and others. More to the point, in a very different conversation, the same employer told them that women are more committed and more dedicated to their jobs. Argghh!! What is the discussion point, you might wonder…

Having a family *does* put a huge damper on a woman’s ability to progress in her career and it has a direct impact on everything from salary to responsibilities. Few of my married girlfriends/colleagues, I am afraid, have accepted less salary just to get the opportunity. They didn’t feel like they had to do that, but at that point they just wanted to so be back in the game without feeling that they have completely sacrificed their career. Make sense…!!

There is an underlying assumption that men work to support their families and in contrast, women, especially married women, are often viewed as working for the sake of working or for “extra” money. The idea that a woman is not financially independent and simply working for “extra” money is ludicrous. Looking into history, tribal women who were the primary providers. The way people live their lives hasn’t changed that much, but it is time for “the powers that be” to adapt and start treating people as individuals, rather than representations of their gender. On contrary, a break in career on a woman’s resume for wanting some time away for her kids is accepted without speculation, while for a man this seems difficult to explain on his resume.

Before we can change the mindset of society, we have to change our mindset first as we form the society. Women, in most cases consider themselves secondary income earners. To some degree women, even as entrepreneurs, don’t focus on growing revenue if they have a partner that makes the largest income. Let’s face it we will always be the primary care takers, as long as that is the case. However, we must realize it’s OUR choice and not the man’s fault.

Not all women put salary or climbing the corporate/business ladder as a top priority. For most women it’s ‘family first’ so they are prepared to trade-off the top jobs and salaries for their family (I might do so too). However, in heart, most of us want job flexibility with reduced hours and to get that, we might have to take the status and financial hit! Frankly speaking, women choose to prioritize life outside of work ahead of career frequently whereas men prioritize career ahead of personal life. Do both have trade-offs? Absolutely and sometimes that equates to less pay, career setbacks or missing growing years of their child. Many of my friends were sad when they heard from day-care that their child took their first-step while they were struggling to work their ass off at work. Not worth it, is what your heart tells you until your mind over-powers you reminding you of your mortgage.

It will be great if we remove the invisible “glasses of gender” from our eyes. Equality has to be accepted for both genders to see the changes we keep saying we want in society. The balance of family and work needs to be negotiated with your life partner and your compensation with your employer.

Everyday Love (Drawings by Nidhi Chanani)

As soon as i stumbled upon everydayloveart.com, I was lost in a fascinating world of story-telling. Each illustration – no arbid doodles, are simple yet speaks a story by themselves. Inspirations drawn from her life, experiences, relationships and world surrounding her…she makes everything so colorful and beautiful. Take a moment to visit her website and explore her drawings. Sip chai (hot cup of tea) as you will be a while out there.

All images by Nidhi Chanani, everydayloveart.com

**Being a storyteller by using her drawings**

Agree to Disagree

“Nothing gets accomplished without accountability,” said a wise U.S. Department of Education leader of educational reform. In simple words, to me this does imply the mere fact that it takes more than one for accomplishment, and many to be a powerful force.

I’ve never had an idea that couldn’t be improved by sharing it with others. Quite often, the “other” is someone who disagrees with me, sometimes fundamentally. Sometimes, usually in the middle of a heated discussion of next steps, it’s difficult to appreciate the colleagues who push and challenge me. I wouldn’t trade them for anything though. They make me better at what I do. Great ideas are meant to be shared!

One of my best and worst co-workers was one who challenged me on Everything. It was bad because it slowed things down.  I’d have to spend a lot of time building up a case for any new decisions.  It was good because it forced me to really think through important decisions – and be ready for a challenge.

I believe challenging ideas is often the best way to create new ones. People must be open to this concept and not intimidated by the questioning required to improve and/or create something new. Virtually,  it’s the best way to keep up with change. It’s overwhelming to see what can be accomplished when the people who challenge each other are also dedicated to showing each other mutual respect and arriving at a mutually agreeable outcome.

The challenging of ideas can definitely be a motivating factor. It can lead to compromise and benefits for both the teams as well as idea refinement for allies. Challenge eliminates complacency. All work environments need to embrace a healthy level of engaging, divergent thought-leadership perspectives.

If you want to be a champion then surround yourself with people who want to be champions. If you want to compete at the highest levels then train with those who compete at the highest levels. Spend lots of time with the people who will raise your game. If you want to grow then put yourself with a team that will make you uncomfortable when you do things that are wrong. Hang out with people who will push you to do the difficult things.

So even if you disagree with my thoughts, lets agree to disagree!!

Loss of Words!!

A blank page… It has so much potential, isn’t it? If I was a literary genius I would be able to write a master piece perhaps…each day.

Now that I’ve set the right expectations, and if you are still around to read more, let me state that I have absolutely nothing to write that could possibly be even remotely interesting to you. This blank page is a waste of words. I’m sure by now you agree with me and would have stopped reading. But there are some curious people out there that will continue to read just out of curiosity to see why the little black letters continue to go on even after the blogger has stated that she has nothing to write about.

The thing about writing is that anyone who knows how to write can well, write! But that does not make everyone who writes a writer, just like anyone who can hold a paint brush and paint a wall does not become a Michelangelo. There is a big difference in the painter who paints walls and the painter who paints pictures, so I suppose there is a big difference between a writer who writes her ramblings (like me) and a writer that writes a masterpiece novel.

Ah! now I’m just at a loss of words…:)

Pieces of the Puzzle

**To be read with a pinch of humor** (:

As much as I enjoy my new work place and meeting my new colleagues (few of which ‘might’ turn into friends over a period of time), I cant help but miss my ex-colleagues in various assignments – few I worked with and for a few of them, and few who were simply a part of the assignment. They were open and willing to explore ideas together, inherently curious people, and ones who didn’t grade our relationship on some hierarchical scale but based on our shared interests. The fact that my work was recognized by the client or my superiors is more a testament to the amazing social talent I was surrounded by…than anything else.

When we embark on a new assignment, do we not wonder who do we want on our team or how can we build teams and networks where everyone wins and grows? If only we had Networkers, Connectors, People Happy to Refer You First – With No Expectations, People Who Believe in You…Willing to Help You and Help You with Ideas…people who believe in paying it forward always end up being your best business relationship.

I have and will come across various people in my work – and yes, I might love to run away from a few of them…. but these are colleagues whom I have to engage with so heading for the nearest door really isn’t an option. Because we have:

Narcissists who are closers that go big or go home. They “build up their press because they concentrate on success instead of failure. It’s the fundamental psychology of a sales professional. I feel they serve a purpose on a sales team.

The Name Dropper which could be a sub category of the Narcissist or Status Claimer. Yes, networking is about who they know, but I don’t need a constant reminder of who they know and whose yacht they were on this weekend.

Griller who ask lots and lots of questions because they dig stories, details, emotions, insight, histories, opinions, convictions, the whole gamut. They aren’t necessarily bad…I think the person I run from is the person who asks and asks, but turns into a clam when it’s their turn to spill it. They are usually so focussed on asking the next question that they are almost never listening, unless it conforms with their world view.

Ahh-I-know-it-all who has learned everything they need to know and try to make everything fit into that paradigm.

I-Me-Myself who are one-way-street types who will run over you, put you down, stifle you, discourage you, and never treat you with respect – for sure never love you.

Elevator Pitch Junkies who live by their 20-seconds pitch on everything you ever needed to know about life and everything. They want everything in a nice neat package, injected intravenously in their empty heads so that they can go around repeating the mantra like a parrot.

Yes Man/Woman who follow come what may and never question. They are helpful for getting stuff done but can lead an organisation down the path to ruin if no one else is there to be critical. They are positive but destructive.

Glory-hunters who find delegation difficult or who cherry-pick parts from roles for maximum visibility. It’s not a very inclusive or team-spirited attitude

Chronic Dictators who never contribute to the positive team energy/ creativity required to successfully complete any projects but constantly provide input on how to get the job done (a talking head).

The Grandstander who will jump on a topic and them dominate the conversation trying to establish themselves as the subject-matter expert. Unfortunately, it results in a one-sided conversation and does little to forward a true discussion on the issue.

Oh-Wellers who want to be a part of the process, but have no real desire for one outcome vs. another…who act like they’re all in, but bail when things get rough or aren’t going well.

Including the ones that give you 15 arguments why not to do something rather than one contribution on how to succeed at it… Or the ones that grill your ideas to then go on and still them for personal advancement… Both are actually similar they just want to justify their existence and salaries it’s all about toxic individual survival… What they are missing is that a company is like a rugby team… ultimately no one cares or remember how many tackles or turn overs you made or if you scored they remember you were part of the team that won the championship.

The Dodger who don’t return calls or emails. They don’t actively participate in meetings/try to avoid attending them at all. They avoid having to deliver anything. Anything they couldn’t avoid being responsible for – never gets delivered because they were waiting on someone else to do something/they didn’t realise there was a time line/the sky was too blue (always a reason for non delivery). Claim they are always busy but can’t actually explain their workload. They just cruise through the day in the office and god forbid you need something off them.

How about working with too many “Chiefs and not enough Indians“, people who know the answer before you even finish your statement. Or the ones when you try to explain your situation and they say its ok, and havent even let you put your two cents in.

Just including the ‘non-learners‘ who live online but don’t tap into its vast knowledge base, either from poor research skills, arrogance or plain laziness.

The ones I am uncomfortable with the most are the ones who pull out their cell phones and call/receive call right in the middle of a conversation. While I have allowed it to propagate, stunned by its impeccable crassness, in the solace of knowing that manners are the property of a gentleman and a lady, while their lack – the hallmark of an upstart.

Work and life are blessed with the contribution from many personalities and nuances, these nuances and personalities in turn help us develop our skills further and polish our intelligent coping strategies, I look at it as an opportunity to find a different way to engage, almost like finding a new way home. While we may rule these people out temporarily, we should not rule them out permanently. In worst cases, if you are unable to accommodate the person in the team, let go the people off the bus freeing them to be great elsewhere, by not holding them back.

The truth is, as long as man is ruling planet “earth”, it’s never going to be perfect and that’s ever so evident in the workplace. Ah geez, what if I’m guilty of all of these? Can I run away from myself? Work seems to work better when the basics of being a human are practiced. Could most problems be solved that simply? How can something so simple, be so difficult sometimes?

Not always can you pick who you work with and certainly not easy to run from all those that you just have to work with – but what the heck, who said life was easy. Just as each of us (raising my hand virtually) have made our set of mistakes, so do others, and so we leave the door open that if someone changes, they can be welcomes back. We just have to try to find a way through with these people – try to find their strengths, draw them out of the behaviour that we don’t need. I find that most people step up when they are surrounded by curious, positive, informed folks.

As a wise man said, “In my life so far, I have discovered that there are really only two kinds of people: those who are for you, and those who are against you. Learn to recognize them, for they are often and easily mistaken for each other.“

The important “piece of the puzzle” is to be able to lead and inspire while honoring people’s differences. Good rule of thumb in all endeavors: you are only as smart as the people you surround yourself with… Sometimes referred to as a “team”.

How’s it going?

Career Women

A not-so-recent written piece by famous author/ writer Chetan Bhagat:

Recently, I saw the recently released movie, Cocktail. The plot revolves around a philanderer hero who has to make the tough choice between two hot women. The uber-modern movie was set in London. The characters drank, danced in nightclubs and had one-night stands with aplomb. They worked in new-age aspirational jobs like glamour photography, graphic art and software design. And yet, the guy eventually chooses the girl who cooks home food, dresses conservatively, wins his mother’s approval and is happy to be the ideal Indian wife. In fact, even the rejected girl, a free-spirited, independent woman agrees to change herself. To get the guy, she is happy to cook and change her lifestyle to match that of the ideal Indian wife.

While the movie was fun, such depictions disturb me a little. When successful, strong women are portrayed as finding salvation in making dal and roti for their husbands, one wonders what kind of India we are presenting to our little girls.

Really, is that what a woman’s life is all about — to make hot phulkas? Of course, i shouldn’t be so bothered, many would say. It is a Bollywood movie. The commercial pressure to present a palatable story is real. Above all, the makers have a right to tell the narrative they want.

Yet, when our most modern and forward cinema sinks into regressive territory, it is unfair to our women. It is also depressing because deep down we know such attitudes exist. Many Indian men, even the educated ones, have two distinct profiles of women — the girlfriend material and the wife material. One you party with, the other you take home. The prejudice against non-traditional women who assert themselves is strong.

Let us look at another part of the world. Yahoo, a leading tech firm and a Fortune 500 company, recently hired a new woman CEO, Marissa Mayer. What’s more, she was six months pregnant when she was hired, a fact she did not hide in her interviews.

Marissa will take some time off after childbirth and will be back at work later. She can manage both. There is something to celebrate about that. Marissa is a role model for women and even men.

I’d like Indian men to have an open mind about choosing their life partners and revise their ‘ideal woman’ criteria. Having a traditional wife who cooks, cleans and is submissive might be nice. However, choosing a capable, independent and career-oriented woman can also bring enormous benefits. For instance, one, a man who marries a career woman gets a partner to discuss his own career with. A working woman may be able to relate better to organizational issues than a housewife. A spouse who understands office politics and can give you good advice can be an asset. Two, a working woman diversifies the family income streams. In the era of expensive apartments and frequent lay-offs, a working spouse can help you afford a decent house and feel more secure about finances. Three, a working woman is better exposed to the world. She brings back knowledge and information that can be useful to the family. Whether it’s the latest deals or the best mutual fund to invest in, or even new holiday destinations, a working woman can add to the quality of life. Four, the children of a working woman learn to be more independent and will do better than mollycoddled children. Five, working women often find some fulfillment in their jobs, apart from home. Hence, they may have better life satisfaction, and feel less dependent on the man. This in turn can lead to more harmony. Of course, all these benefits accrue if men are able to keep their massive, fragile egos aside and see women as equals.

Sure, there are drawbacks also in being with working women. But the modern age that we are in, the phulka-making bride may come at a cost of missing out on other qualities. Please bear that in mind before you judge women based on their clothes, interest in the kitchen or the confidence in their voice.

My mother worked for 40 years. My wife is the COO at an international bank. It makes me proud. She doesn’t make phulkas for me. We outsource that work to our help, and it doesn’t really bother me. If my wife had spent her life in the kitchen, it would have bothered me more.

Please choose your partner carefully. Don’t just tolerate, but accept and even celebrate our successful women. They take our homes ahead and our country forward. We may have less hot phulkas, but we will have a better nation.

Roll With It..!!

“So what do you hope to be doing 5 years from now?“

That’s a common question asked by hiring managers in many job interviews, and certainly a question that I have been asked both as a candidate and as a hiring manager in interviews. Ambitious candidates often have a plan as to where they “hope” to be professionally in their chosen field.

But what if the same question was asked for your life?

Let’s face it, we all have some idea of how we would like life to turn out. But the reality is that life usually doesn’t end up looking like the picture we had in our head. We tend to get a little (or a lot) out of sorts when things don’t go as we plan.

We as humans like to make plans for our lives. I think most of us go through life expecting everything to go just as we planned it. To get that great job, find that perfect companion and get married, buy a great house and raise our 2 kids, and retire somewhere to gracefully live out our days watching our children and grandchildren. But realistically, that isn’t always how it happens. We are yet to find that perfect mate, or maybe they walked out on you because they didn’t want to be married anymore. That great job you always wanted didn’t roll the final offer to you. In an instant, all those things you have planned for go up in flames. We go through our own seasons of great difficulty – the ones we didn’t ask for and above all we didn’t expect. I, too, wondered about the answers, explanations, solutions…

But what if we didn’t need answers? What if there was something better than getting easy answers and quick fixes?

Have you ever had a plan blow up in your face? I surely have a few to count… If you know me at all, you know I am a planner. There are have been times when my plans had to be changed. So what do you do when life hands you a plan-B situation instead of a plan-A situation? In my own life recently, life has dealt me a Plan B situation. Honestly, I am still walking through a Plan B.

We can’t smooth over the wrinkles and life can be really tough and we may not understand why certain situations are occurring in our lives. There often aren’t easy answers to the Plan Bs we experience.

For everyone, situations are a little different, and no one has all the answers. Sometimes, things do not turn out as we would have hoped. And circumstances don’t turn out as we would like. All of us have Plan A. What happens when Plan A is failure? God is testing us with these catastrophes. This is where the “Plan B” comes into our life. God uses our Plan B in our lives. God will always take these situations in our lives where we have pain and struggle, and will never fail at the opportunity to show us how much he loves us. God never destroys our lives, but he does allow us to make our own decisions, even when those decisions take us farther away from God.

We often wonder where God is, why are things going so badly, and why do I continue to struggle through this pain for years and years. Too often, we want that pain to be over as quickly as possible, and we scream at God when it doesn’t happen in our timing. The fact remains that God’s timing is nothing like ours, and His timing isn’t ready for us to be out of this season in life. A tough thing to swallow, that’s for sure, but true.

 

…

The reality is that each one of us, with our carefully thought out plans, will be forced to throw the plan away and divert to a plan we never considered-Plan B. Plan B’s come in many forms, but they will come. It’s a good plan with success and happiness in the picture.

Plan B is not about rearranging your summer schedule, or not having enough time to read. It’s about dealing with changes, disappointments and heartbreaks. It’s about losses; lost jobs, lost marriage, and lost lives. It’s about lost visions and lost dreams. It’s about questioning if God is any where in our circumstances. It’s about how do we handle those times that come when life knocks us off our feet and it seems as if God isn’t right there to pick us up and make everything fine again. What do we do when things happen that we never thought would, and we are totally powerless to change those outcomes. Plan B is an honest, no frills assessment of how we react when these situations come.

The question is are our plans and God’s the same? Two answers to that question: Yes, and ofcourse, No. I ponder the question for which there is no simple answer and yet reassuring myself that it’s ok not to have an answer. I agree that it’s difficult to understand when life takes a different direction. It’s about giving up the life you think you should have versus the one that God wants for you.

I am wondering how different life would be for each one of us if we chose to view our circumstances and our relationships as the gifts they are. Change in our present situation is not needed to be at peace. Change in perception is what transforms our life.

Someone once said that life is what happens when we are planning for it. Ain’t it?? So let’s roll with it..

I “may be” Missed

Have you ever hurt your leg or foot or toe, and instead of going to the doctor, you got used to limping? Maybe you told yourself that you were too busy to see a doctor. Perhaps you thought the problem would clear up on its own. But over time, you got used to walking funny. Pretty soon, you couldn’t even remember what it felt like to feel normal or not walk around with discomfort.

That’s what was like for me at my current workplace. When viewed from a distance, it might have appeared to be charming, quaint, or even fun. But when you get closer, it becomes painful and draining, stresses you personally, hurting not only at the immediate source, but able to harm and damage other formerly – healthy parts of the whole system. And that’s when I decided to resolve it – by quitting. No, don’t wrong yourself of thinking of me as a Quitter —  sometimes no matter how much you love a job, some one/thing can make it unbearable.

Lesson Learnt : Implement a trial period, manage expectations, challenge whether it is a gap or is it as big as a thought. Sometimes a bit of detachment goes a long way in making life bearable!!

I will miss my coffee/chai breaks with few colleagues who became friends, enjoying the appreciations/ promotions of friends and self while cribbing over office nuances – Phew, a lot can happen over a cup of coffee or chai!!

Thank You…

There is so much humanity, so much grace and good humor, so much strength and wisdom. I am thankful and be grateful for:

• The difference it made sometimes when someone just reached into the heart of our experience and named it, and sat there with us in it.
• That moment. For the chance each of us has to offer that moment to others through our listening and our respect, and the chance to make what we choose of that moment when it’s our turn.
• Throwing off this big blanket, that heavy swathing that collects around us as we move through the week of obligations. And we wake the wildness in us, stretch, shake, perambulate, whatever gets it moving, and wonder if it is time.
• The opportunity to be uncomfortable. In the strange and lonely corners of discomfort is where we find those moments of beautiful sadness when life pulsates vibrantly around us and within us, opening our heart to accept the raw and the brutal equivocally with the selfless and kind.
• For second chances. Deserved or undeserved, but truly given without reservation. Given to me and to others, but most importantly, the one I gave to myself.
• When life beat me into submission, because that is how I learnt to fight with compassion instead of fury. I am not broken, I am bendable, and I can survive anything. Damaged goods are the best kind there are, ain’t it?
• Strong, healthy friendships with wonderful people met personally, professionally and virtually who showed me the way back into the sunlight. The friends who never fail to ask the hard questions. Who show up to worry and to carry the worry and to blow it all off.
• My own tenacious spirit, which has gotten me through this difficult year. It feels like a miracle, and I’m living it every single day.
• Being lucky enough to discover depths and layers of love I’d never even imagined, love that almost hurts.
• Holding stake in my own happiness. Sure, things bite shit sometimes. But there are arms in the world that want me, and two of them are my own. That’s plenty.
• These days I can cry tears that are more honest than ever before, that my heart is not aching in vain, that I know that I am doing right by me.
• The strength to know tomorrow is another chance—the ability to understand that many others won’t have my tomorrow.
• The confidence to be alone, and not lonely. I am grateful for the way life takes you to the place farthest from what you dreamt for yourself, and that you can make a life for yourself, there.
• My grandfather, the bitter-sweet legacy he left and the love he lived.
• My parents because of their steady values and clean living, I have what I now recognize as a wholeness of spirit. It turns out the random-seeming gift of a happy childhood is not to be underestimated. The most amazing part is that they gave me this without any obligation.
• My brother, who is engineering his clever way to great things
• My adorable dog Whisky, who greeted me gleefully, rifled through the trash, and reminded me to find joy in all things.

I am grateful for words…I am grateful beyond words every single second of every day.

Happy Thanksgiving to all !!!