A surfer on a wave..!!!

While watching a show on television, I marveled at these courageous men and women who woke before dawn, endured freezing water, paddled through barreling waves, and even risked shark attacks, all for the sake of, maybe, catching an epic ride. After few minutes, it was easy to tell the surfers apart by their style of surfing, their handling of the board, their skill, and their playfulness. 

What really struck me though, was what they had in common. No matter how good, how experienced, how graceful they were on the wave, every surfer ended their ride in precisely the same way: By falling. 

Some had fun with their fall, while others tried desperately to avoid it. And not all falls were failures — some fell into the water only when their wave fizzled and their ride ended. But here’s what I found most interesting: The only difference between a failure and a fizzle was the element of surprise. In all cases, the surfer ends up in the water. There’s no other possible way to wrap up a ride. 

That got me thinking: What if we all lived life-like a surfer on a wave? The answer that kept coming to me was that we would take more risks. 

~That difficult conversation with your boss (or employee, or colleague, or partner, or spouse) that we have been avoiding? We should initiate it.

~That proposal (or article, or book, or email) we have been putting off? We should start it.

~That new business (or product, or sales strategy, or investment) we have been over-analyzing? We should follow through.

And when we fell — because if we take risks, we will fall — we would get back on the board and paddle back into the surf. That’s what every single one of the surfers do, right? So why don’t we live life that way? Why don’t we accept falling — even if it’s a failure — as part of the ride?

Because we’re afraid of feeling. Think about it: In all those situations, our greatest fear is that we will feel something unpleasant.

The feeling of hurt if we have that scary conversation we have been avoiding and it ends the relationship.

The terrible feeling if we follow through on the business idea and lose money.

The feeling of awfulness if we submitted the proposal and were rejected.

Here’s the thing: More often than not, our fear doesn’t help us avoid the feelings; it simply subjects us to them for an agonizingly long time. We feel the suffering of procrastination or the frustration of a stuck relationship. I know relationships or partnerships that drag along painfully for years because no one is willing to speak about the elephant in the room. Taking risks and falling is not something to avoid. It’s something to cultivate.

Soon, we won’t have fear feeling. We will pursue it like those courageous early morning surfers. We will wake up before dawn and dive into those difficult conversations and difficult tasks. We will take the risks that once scared us. And we will fall; sometimes we will even fail. Then we will get up and do it again…

Because feeling is what tells us we are alive.

Why do I do what I do???

I am the type of person who puts a great deal of pressure on myself in all aspects of my life. This obviously results in a heightened level of stress, discomfort and overall disillusionment…only to end up in the extreme workaholic, career-chasing crowd of today’s world.

I find myself constantly rushing so that I may eventually “live the good life”. Most of us do this, right?? …only to find that it could be too late to enjoy it by the time we get there. However, now I realize that the good life must be led, in moderation, on a daily basis.

“A job that you can “love” is one of the holy grails of modern existence isn’t it? It is one of those things we start striving towards as soon as we’re out of our schools and colleges, and catapult into our professional lives.  If only we could find a job we love. A job we actually want to do. A job that has us bouncing out of bed in the morning, instead of making us wonder what would kill us faster: ingested shaving cream or correction fluid in our sandwich. A job that fits our strengths and weaknesses and desires and ambitions like a glove. A job that keeps us happy. A job with no trade-offs or compromises.“

The above thoughts would have passed your mind, at some point in your career, right?…making you crazy of what are you doing in life and wanting to throw everything away running in the woods to be close to nature and find yourself..is it not?

I am a regular reader of Cubiclenama where sometimes I nod my head in ah-yes-it-does-happen moment, sometimes in wonderment and sometimes when an article resonates the thoughts in my mind. The article “Don’t Love Your Job” resonated like-wise.

Sinking away in the dull samsaric circle of routinesque habits, you know – get  up – work – tv -sleep, I find myself pleasantly cleansed from the conformist dust collecting on my ever-narrowing existential perspective. Many a time, I am left with a feeling like I need to start a whole new system to make any changes – not the most productive way in my mind!

Due to tug-o-war between 2 teams and 2 bosses to report to, which devoided me of 2 promotions and overall 30% salary hike in 6.5 years of my service, led me to quit. BUT I was happy in my previous job as I loved what I did. It was not a happy decision…I still remember being nervous when approaching my manager to inform him of my decision.

But, even in my new organization, I have to “make do” because I fell into something and am just trying to make it work – because it’s a job – because I am scared to quit (I wonder WHY?). In few months, I may delude myself into thinking that I CAN DO IT but that is not what I WANT to do.

Choices that we make in life and then stick to for any reason, are a source of unhappiness in the work place. We incessantly complain about being underpaid or working in a unchallenging or misfit profile, but refuse to accept responsibility for our decisions. Mis-fit positions affect employees and their productivity as well as their job satisfaction.

A lot of us are confused because we are expending all of our energy climbing the wrong ladder. If our passion is our income or even our designation, we are climbing a ladder leaning against an empty container. It’s so important for us to realize that our satisfaction with a position is driven by more than one or two aspects. Sometimes it feels like we are taught from a young age to go after salary or title, as human beings we are complicated creatures and are driven by many influences. I think we all want to see some semblance of growth in responsibilities, in title, in compensation, and in value we bring to the organization.  Without this, work can be mind-numbing and hopeless.

We rely on mid-year and end-of-year reviews for which we have no time to even think of properly completing. As such, it turns out to be a paper shuffle filled with empty words that skirt real issues and possibly conflict. How can we REALLY tell if we are in the “right” job?  Do we have the passion for the mission?  If the response is “yes”, then we are in the right job, regardless of pay, hours, and/or supervisor.

Without that struggle, would I have known a good fit when I found it? Would I have earned the skills necessary to find that good fit? Most of us don’t have the luxury to quit, so let’s use the time to learn and grow so those “right jobs” can be in our future. One has to keep in mind, there is more to life than work that can offer challenges. Hard work always pays off, that said if we have the right job we will enjoy putting in the extra work.

Dr. Charles Stanley once asked a related question (directed to a group of pastors), “Are you satisfied with merely making an impression, or do you want to make an impact?” They both take passion and effort, but one is all about ME, the other is all about OTHERS. The most fulfilling job is the one that I can contribute the most to those I care about.

In a perfect world, yes there is a luxury of switching to the perfect job. But in current economies, we have limited options and probably that’s what holding me back from quitting. Many people are taking whatever they can get, because one can only accept a job after it has been offered to you.

Therefore, we need to learn to drive value and build transferable skills that may help us in our future prefect job (whenever we get it). I believe we should be thankful enough, not just for the good experiences, but for the not-so-good experiences too – after all they all help us grow and prepare us.

We can be in job (where we are happy, helpful, competent, evolving professionally and successful at what we do) AND it still might not be the right job/career for us. We might learn to be competent and successful at what we do, but deep down we will always have a desire and passion to pursue a different path. That yearning for something different might be our cue to explore a job, career or calling that feels true and authentic to us. I need to prepare myself for my time away from the rat race that so many of us are trying to beat only to lose. I wish to take a break from work, the people we associate with all the time, and let myself explore the other side of me that is desperate to come out.

I should enjoy the playful and light voice in my head, peppering me with little interesting tidbits about the benefits of “sins” and pleasure. I already find joy in just thinking how much more fun life can be realizing that no one or nothing should impede on a short human life’s quest for sensual pleasure. What else is there to live for? Selling your soul for the benefit of the company’s expansion, while disregarding the fact that there so much less things we can do to become happy? We are all trained to become civilized robots depending their status on the degree of refinement of their tastes – sometimes missing the point, deep down we just want to have the cosy mind-numbing comfort of sensual pleasure.

If I could have my way, I would like to be a writer, travel photographer, friendly counsellor and open an NGO. It would make for one hell of an interesting life!!

As we speed along this endless road to the destination called who-we-hope-to-be, I can’t help but whine “Are we there yet?”

A cup of tea!!

Monsoon has finally arrived in Mumbai and they are supposed to be notorious – puddles, potholes and never-ending traffic jams. And a prospect of enjoying a cup of tea either alone near my window and with a friend lifts up my spirits – and you relish the monsoons.

The thought came to me why the ritual of tea-time is so important. It provides relaxation and rejuvenation!!! The preparation and enjoyment of a nice hot cup of tea has a physical component as well as an emotional and mental one. It soothes the spirit, calms the mind, and refreshes the body.

Think about it for a moment. The hot tea quenches your thirst. But you don’t gulp down a hot drink, you have to take the time to sip it. This act helps to shift your mental and physical processes from a state of high activity to a quieter one. Plus, the process of heating the water, putting the leaves in the cup or teapot, and steeping them can bring you into a calmer frame of mind.

And the company of a friend makes the tea experience even more pleasant and fulfilling!!

I hope you will try a tea ritual of your own. And if you are already in the habit of enjoying a cup of tea, maybe my thoughts will give you a new appreciation for the process..

Glasses of Gender

Couple of my married girlfriends have been told during their hiring process of their job interview that as woman they might probably need time for maternity leave or if they have children, they might need time to take care of their emotional needs and others. More to the point, in a very different conversation, the same employer told them that women are more committed and more dedicated to their jobs. Argghh!! What is the discussion point, you might wonder…

Having a family *does* put a huge damper on a woman’s ability to progress in her career and it has a direct impact on everything from salary to responsibilities. Few of my married girlfriends/colleagues, I am afraid, have accepted less salary just to get the opportunity. They didn’t feel like they had to do that, but at that point they just wanted to so be back in the game without feeling that they have completely sacrificed their career. Make sense…!!

There is an underlying assumption that men work to support their families and in contrast, women, especially married women, are often viewed as working for the sake of working or for “extra” money. The idea that a woman is not financially independent and simply working for “extra” money is ludicrous. Looking into history, tribal women who were the primary providers. The way people live their lives hasn’t changed that much, but it is time for “the powers that be” to adapt and start treating people as individuals, rather than representations of their gender. On contrary, a break in career on a woman’s resume for wanting some time away for her kids is accepted without speculation, while for a man this seems difficult to explain on his resume.

Before we can change the mindset of society, we have to change our mindset first as we form the society. Women, in most cases consider themselves secondary income earners. To some degree women, even as entrepreneurs, don’t focus on growing revenue if they have a partner that makes the largest income. Let’s face it we will always be the primary care takers, as long as that is the case. However, we must realize it’s OUR choice and not the man’s fault.

Not all women put salary or climbing the corporate/business ladder as a top priority. For most women it’s ‘family first’ so they are prepared to trade-off the top jobs and salaries for their family (I might do so too). However, in heart, most of us want job flexibility with reduced hours and to get that, we might have to take the status and financial hit! Frankly speaking, women choose to prioritize life outside of work ahead of career frequently whereas men prioritize career ahead of personal life. Do both have trade-offs? Absolutely and sometimes that equates to less pay, career setbacks or missing growing years of their child. Many of my friends were sad when they heard from day-care that their child took their first-step while they were struggling to work their ass off at work. Not worth it, is what your heart tells you until your mind over-powers you reminding you of your mortgage.

It will be great if we remove the invisible “glasses of gender” from our eyes. Equality has to be accepted for both genders to see the changes we keep saying we want in society. The balance of family and work needs to be negotiated with your life partner and your compensation with your employer.

Maybe…

1. Maybe…we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
2. Maybe…when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don’t even see the new one which has been opened for us.
3. Maybe…it is true that we don’t know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don’t know what we have been missing until it arrives.
4. Maybe…the happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
5. Maybe…the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can’t go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.
6. Maybe…you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.
7. Maybe…there are moments in life when you miss someone — a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child — so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.
8. Maybe…the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.
9. Maybe…you should always try to put yourself in others’ shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.
10. Maybe…you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.
11. Maybe…giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don’t expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn’t, be content that it grew in yours.
12. Maybe…happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.
13. Maybe…you shouldn’t go for looks; they can deceive; don’t go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.
14. Maybe…you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy
15. Maybe…you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.

Self-realization

I am NOT where I thought I would be at the age of 34. This was definitely not my plan. Not at all. But I know my life is MY life and I have created it. I am where I am today because of the choices I have made along the way.  And I can honestly say I am proud of them and proud of my life, even though it’s turned out to be a surprise to everyone, including me.

At times, I am distracted by my own denial of self worth. I am frozen in my tracks by the mere thought of attempting something slightly different. I am not content in my current profile in my new company – it is not aligning with my career path,  and am so drained by the end of the day…I just cant think.

I love Margaret Meade’s quote today, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has.”  Well, I am in THAT “small group.” Immediately, my mind comes in and says, “How dare you say such an egotistical thing that most people will laugh at.” My heart responds, “You know it is true; this is all that matters. You are already changing the world by changing yourself; Keep going.” “Hypocrite!” my ego screams. “The way is out, is the way through!” my heart replies.

The present moment is our future. I have been distracting myself with my future. What? Huh? I distract myself with MY FUTURE, all the while my loved ones need more from me. Loved ones who are right there for me.

My typical attitude with life is go-go-go. I pride myself on my efficiency. So when I get to a pausing point, or a slowing point, it stresses me out. Sometimes I even feel “frozen” by my stress and anxiety. I usually will come home after work, then I am so tired and drained from a dreamless-job that I know I could be better. I am not giving my dream “my best”, it’s getting the tired “seconds”.  I wish to switch it around to wake up and give my dream my best one morning.

I am amazed by the people who are able to overcome these distractions and really make space for their calling. Keeping the dream alive is  difficult when you don’t see any real progress. It’s a lonely place sometimes, just me and my dream, but all of the little things I can do every day, no matter how little time I have to devote to it, will add it up over time.

I am following an ever shifting path – running at times – and slowed down at other times by the difficulty of the trail. I have learnt that it’s okay to pause. It’s not always full speed ahead towards achieving my dreams. In fact, the biggest lessons may be learned at those times I am slowed down and made to see something I would not see if I was simply running by – many other things are important in my life – things for me to experience – along the path to achieving my dreams. I believe it’s important to stay on the path, to not be lured off it by the many habitual time-wasters out there or by any miserable souls who would love to suck you into their negative reality and drain all of the positive energy out of you. But, all the different paces are necessary. The slow times pop up for a reason! So I continue on my path – running as I can but slowing as I must.

I am inspired to write this quote… “I work hard to accomplish the meaningful things in my life, so that my life will not be remembered as meaningless.” -Giorge Leedy

Bored to death…

I was told of a classic conversation between the “Borer” & the “sufferer” the latter ultimately telling the former thus: I understand that between us you know almost everything and that I know only the one thing that you don’t know- that you are a “Big Bore”.

Although it sounds rude, interruption is actually a good sign, I think. It means a person is bursting to say something, and that shows interest. It’s not just me , there are quite a few facing this situation, right? I have a natural tendency to ask for clarifications and raise questions during conversations. In fact I might forget or may feel “let it be” and some very useful point may be left out.

I am keenly interested in body language and micro expressions such as good eye contact and a smile that flits across the features. Staring as well as very poor eye contact signals that the person is disengaged and a smile that feels (looks) stuck, signals irritation.

Furthermore I have observed that if a person starts yawning- is a sign that he/she is forcing self to listen to you and is bored to limits. Similarly a person who listens (or pretend to listens) with arms crossed could be a sign that he/she is bored and more often even offended by the nonsense being uttered. I see these behaviors often among people in a position of power, who mistake ‘obligatory’ listening for vivid interest! One’s background certainly does influence communication style and acceptability within given conversation(s).

The art of communication is scribble – abstract. It takes keen observation and skill for one to catch the conversation nuances and then blend.

On the lighter side: If I had a choice between being a bore to some one or being bored by some one, I would choose the former. That keeps me from yawning in the other person’s face. Not everyone or everything can get melodramatically interesting as Shakespeare’s stage of words and sonnets.

Unfortunately, I think I fall in to both categories (the boring and the bored). I have a bad habit of reading emails even when I am holding a phone conversation. I could genuinely be interested in what someone at the other end of the line is saying and still display these signs. Bad habit – Must be broken!! Blame it on my work but now I consciously close my eyes during a phone conversation to not let myself be distracted.

As to being boring, well…just the other day when I was loss of words, what can I say, I bet you stopped reading this post a while ago!!!

Loss of Words!!

A blank page… It has so much potential, isn’t it? If I was a literary genius I would be able to write a master piece perhaps…each day.

Now that I’ve set the right expectations, and if you are still around to read more, let me state that I have absolutely nothing to write that could possibly be even remotely interesting to you. This blank page is a waste of words. I’m sure by now you agree with me and would have stopped reading. But there are some curious people out there that will continue to read just out of curiosity to see why the little black letters continue to go on even after the blogger has stated that she has nothing to write about.

The thing about writing is that anyone who knows how to write can well, write! But that does not make everyone who writes a writer, just like anyone who can hold a paint brush and paint a wall does not become a Michelangelo. There is a big difference in the painter who paints walls and the painter who paints pictures, so I suppose there is a big difference between a writer who writes her ramblings (like me) and a writer that writes a masterpiece novel.

Ah! now I’m just at a loss of words…:)

Winners and Losers

Strut along

You just say the word “Shoes” and any woman perks up! Girls love their shoes!

Past weekend, I was organizing my shoes and they brought back memories. Each shoe had a story - Places where I have trodden wearing my high brown boots, black heels with silver bow strap in which I slipped during a date, neon green stomping boots bought during winter breaks to ‘look stylish’, and oh yes! those painful stilletos which reminds me that sometimes we need to be barefoot.

We all want the answer to our life’s purpose. We want to stay on the path that ensures we are not going to fall in the ditch. We need to learn how to be “That Girl.” - That girl who always seems so strong on the inside. That girl who knows how to walk through challenges. That girl who is confident and always has a light about her. That girl who ALWAYS has the perfect shoes for her outfit!!

Being prepared is half the battle and choosing the correct shoes is such a fun way to look at it! I love shoes and realize I need to always be ready for what life may throw. Therefore, we need to make sure that we are running our race with the “right” shoes on at the “right” time so we can finish “our” race strong.

To learn about the different seasons of life and how to be equipped for whatever comes our way, it is crucial to put on the right shoes everyday to walk strong in life no matter what we face!!

So ladies, let’s strut along…