Glasses of Gender

Couple of my married girlfriends have been told during their hiring process of their job interview that as woman they might probably need time for maternity leave or if they have children, they might need time to take care of their emotional needs and others. More to the point, in a very different conversation, the same employer told them that women are more committed and more dedicated to their jobs. Argghh!! What is the discussion point, you might wonder…

Having a family *does* put a huge damper on a woman’s ability to progress in her career and it has a direct impact on everything from salary to responsibilities. Few of my married girlfriends/colleagues, I am afraid, have accepted less salary just to get the opportunity. They didn’t feel like they had to do that, but at that point they just wanted to so be back in the game without feeling that they have completely sacrificed their career. Make sense…!!

There is an underlying assumption that men work to support their families and in contrast, women, especially married women, are often viewed as working for the sake of working or for “extra” money. The idea that a woman is not financially independent and simply working for “extra” money is ludicrous. Looking into history, tribal women who were the primary providers. The way people live their lives hasn’t changed that much, but it is time for “the powers that be” to adapt and start treating people as individuals, rather than representations of their gender. On contrary, a break in career on a woman’s resume for wanting some time away for her kids is accepted without speculation, while for a man this seems difficult to explain on his resume.

Before we can change the mindset of society, we have to change our mindset first as we form the society. Women, in most cases consider themselves secondary income earners. To some degree women, even as entrepreneurs, don’t focus on growing revenue if they have a partner that makes the largest income. Let’s face it we will always be the primary care takers, as long as that is the case. However, we must realize it’s OUR choice and not the man’s fault.

Not all women put salary or climbing the corporate/business ladder as a top priority. For most women it’s ‘family first’ so they are prepared to trade-off the top jobs and salaries for their family (I might do so too). However, in heart, most of us want job flexibility with reduced hours and to get that, we might have to take the status and financial hit! Frankly speaking, women choose to prioritize life outside of work ahead of career frequently whereas men prioritize career ahead of personal life. Do both have trade-offs? Absolutely and sometimes that equates to less pay, career setbacks or missing growing years of their child. Many of my friends were sad when they heard from day-care that their child took their first-step while they were struggling to work their ass off at work. Not worth it, is what your heart tells you until your mind over-powers you reminding you of your mortgage.

It will be great if we remove the invisible “glasses of gender” from our eyes. Equality has to be accepted for both genders to see the changes we keep saying we want in society. The balance of family and work needs to be negotiated with your life partner and your compensation with your employer.

Princess Myth!!

Before you read further:  Today’s post shouldn’t come across as an extremist feminist rant, but more as an examination of how our culture may very well be stifling and causing unintentional harm to both young boys and girls by forcing them to fit into certain roles.

I was reading “Why So Few? Women in Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics“, a research report from the American Association of University Women, which lays out many of the challenges women face in those fields. One of its points is the role that stereotypes play in how girls perceive their own success in these fields, and how gender stereotypes play a role in girls’ confidence. The report is fascinating and accessible; I highly recommend reading it.

When I was a teenager in the 1990s, I sort of assumed that by the time I have kids, we would be living in a relatively gender-neutral world where all children would feel free to try all kinds of things. Well, obviously, that didn’t happen yet and I do not see it changing. Toys shop still have its “pink” and “blue” sections. I am surprised with the rise of the color pink to define girls (less than 100 years ago, believe it or not, that color was associated with boys and blue with girls!). It’s clear that gender stereotyping issues appear early in life (after all, it was Barbie who famously proclaimed “math is hard!”). And over the years, the vast majority of the gifts given to kids are gender-segregated: crafts and clothes for girls, Legos and building toys for boys. It’s so hard to find a gender-neutral toys.

Our culture does tend to pigeonhole girls, it also does the same for boys. Girls may be teased for playing with toys that aren’t “girly” enough, but boys in our culture aren’t exactly free to deck themselves out in pink and play with dolls and purses.

While I don’t have children, it’s impossible to not notice both the pink phenomenon and the princess phenomenon. Do these well-marketed phenomenons play into gender stereotypes?

Little girls eventually grow out of this princess stage but they retain the message that perfection, and appearance is what is important. That it is better to look good than to feel or to think positively about their actions and activities. Girls eventually equate how they look with how they feel; they only feel positive about themselves when they think they are pretty and stylish and thin enough. This is encouraged by the massive marketing industry that starts with movies and TV and then moves on to toys, cosmetics, and clothing. It is everywhere. And it is overwhelming. How do you convince girls that “fat is not a feeling” when Kate Moss says “Nothing tastes better than skinny feels”?

I deeply connect to the way that girls are socialized, even though I grew up in a time when Lego ads featured girls and my mom dressed me in red. I too had a Barbie girl, and I remember how my mom tried to help me view all girl culture – more critically. However, I was an adult when the Princess phenomenon began. Fairy tales should not really blamed for anything, but treated more as symptoms and representations of issues. Cinderella with Little Mermaid, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty get pretty much equal second billing together. However, let’s admit that not all Cinderellas are created equal. (It is gratifying to see that Daisy selected Wonder Woman as a favorite character.)

Remember the furor surrounding the Twilight novels?? After having read the first, I wasn’t eager to read the remaining series, feeling that it was a story that more or less glorified a very unhealthy relationship between two teens–and this had nothing to do with the fact that Edward is a vampire. I was, rather, disturbed by Bella’s lack of self-identity and with how Edward exercised an inordinate amount of control over her. But why girls might find the series so compelling: Bella isn’t the prettiest girl in the school, she isn’t the most popular, she doesn’t dress the most provocatively and, yet, she’s the one girl in school who captures Edward’s attention. Maybe girls are just relieved to find a book in which the romance does not center around sex or around the extreme “hotness” of the female character. The more I thought about it, the more I felt that there just might be something to it.

I am teeny-weeny concerned about what our consumer-driven/ Disney princess/ Facebook culture is doing to our little girls. I am concerned about the way girls “package themselves” as a brand in the online world, and the permanence and rapidity of information exchanged by kids on the web. The girls need to develop their inner selves rather than just packaging their outer selves. In trying to be hot and sexy at all times, girls are becoming more and more disconnected from any sort of healthy sexuality. In defining themselves so emphatically by their looks, growing numbers of girls are describing sex in terms of how they thought they looked rather than in terms of how they felt.

This means that, not only are girls sometimes made objects by boys, they are also making objects of themselves. Rather than defining who they are based on how they think, what they feel, what they believe, girls are defining themselves according to their physical assets.

Personally, I wanted to be a princess-fireman. A princess with a back-up plan. I didn’t pay heed to it earlier, but this makes good sense now. Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way you would hope, sometimes the prince leaves the princess with a mortgage on the castle and there she is princess struggling to make ends meet. What parent would want that for their daughter? What daughter would want that for herself?

People say boys are more difficult when they are young and girls are more difficult as they get older. Agreed. Little boys don’t like to sit still. Or follow rules. Or use toilets. But raising girls to become the type of women that they should be (that we need them to be) requires a great effort. I would want to teach my girls to rise above worldly expectations (and acceptances) and be virtuous, confident, independent, pleasant, balanced, remarkable, noble.

If I met my friend now…??

What is a good friend? I think we all know when we have one, but why can’t we ever figure out the ones that just don’t seem to be quite right? Friendships span the whole relationship gamut and it is nice to know that there are some dos and don’ts that make sense and make life make more sense.

I am one of those people who thinks of everyone they have ever met as a potential friend. I firmly believe that my life will be incomplete without friends. They have pulled me through real tough times. As the adage goes, “A friend in need is a friend indeed” hence I hold few of them so strongly in my life to never let go. I have real lasting friendship and I learnt that it is okay to be needy. For at times we all need someone to take care of us once in a while. Similarly, I have had some guilt about letting go of friendships past their prime but have also understood that it’s healthy to acknowledge the good that  happened, and still be able to move on. I have also learnt that I need to be careful with who I give my heart to~ ofcourse I learnt this the hard way.

Do we treasure our friendships? Are they an indication of the sort of life that we lead and the sort of person that we have become? If we don’t intentionally nurture our friendships and invest time in them, then they too easily dwindle away in the press of life.” So true, ain’t it? The importance of being “real” and authentic with our friends, about not hiding behind masks to be someone we are not with our friends and about honesty in friendship. All good reminders to keep ourselves genuine in our friendships and in our life.

If I met my friend now, would we still be friends? I might be unable to answer it but I do know that we are friends now and will remain forever. Dr. Bonior, writer of “Baggage Check” column in Washington Post, aptly puts it – “It can sometimes seem…that we’re on the lookout for perfect people. But if you think about it, if we picked only perfect people as friends, who’d be picking us?“

Right friends???

Occupation: Housewife

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “what happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?”
“Yes,” he replied.
She answered, “Well today I didn’t do it!”

LMAO!!

This was an email forwarded today by a married friend. Ah! about this friend, after a rewarding 15 year career, during which time she raised 2 children and both worked full time, her husband made her an offer she (for reasons known to her) couldn’t refuse: To stay at home and care for her family.

Many of my married friends are torn between their careers and families. They work very hard, only to have to give it all up. What choice do they have? This is really what you were meant to do? Times have changed however a woman is still credited based on how she manages her house despite working equal hours at work like her husband. She is still asked how would she be able to balance work and family…after kids. Women have proved successfully that they can multi-task and have a proved time and again that they can work harder than men.

Let’s celebrates the importance and beauty of a housewife…Cheers!!!

Saying Goodbye to my four-legged angel (RIP)

It seems just yesterday when I brought her home all of 2 months, a black bundle of joy who was so restless away from her mother but very soon found the warmth under my other dog Bruno’s neck..all snuggled up and sleeping like a baby to much annoyance of Bruno, ofcourse. Once I moved to a different city for work, she moved in with me. Oh, she was a sweetheart to come back home to. I never really had to train her for anything. She adjusted well with my work hours during weekdays and ensured that I give her enough attention over the weekends. She was my +1 in all the friendly parties. She was taken care of by my friends if I had to travel for work. Ah, she was every one’s darling.

She enjoyed dog food as much as she enjoyed tomatoes. She was possessive of her ball and loved fielding on the ground. She was a terror for outsiders but a warm cuddly one for the insiders. She always knew when anyone in the house was not well and would keep an eye on him/her. She was naughty as a brat but with kids, she would let them have the liberty to be naughty with her. She knew she was not allowed to sit on the bed or couch but she also knew that she owns the privilege to sit on the same place where I sit. And no one dare to walk into my room even after knocking on door until I mumble a Yes or else, apart from mother, others have been pounced upon. She would slather you with her love every time she would see you, bark for attention, eat food when its my dinnertime, snuggle up for the exact same spot on bed which is warm in winter and gets more cool air during summers. Her unconditional love could be seen in her eyes. When something was botherting me, I could see worry in her eyes. She was addictive hence her name “Whisky”.

Whisky (16-May-1996 to 28-Jul-2012)

On Saturday (28-Jul-12), my beloved four-legged angel, Whisky, left me to be in Heaven after sharing my life for more than 16 years. Certain religion generally teaches that animals do not go to heaven and, when they die, that’s the end for them. But, I know that she will be waiting in Heaven to greet me when I pass into her world and until that day, I will love my little angel and keep her memory alive in my heart and in my heart she will stay.

I just cannot imagine life without her. I never knew that something so small could weigh so much in your heart and totally captivate your world. I now understand that we only have those precious little creatures for a season. My heart which is empty is now filling up with memories of my angel. I have lost a very precious piece of me.

RIP Whisky, you have gone on ahead. I will catch up to you later.

Sh”t My Dad Says

The title says it all about the language contained inside though, and much of the humor comes from a quite colorful vocabulary. The author, Justin’s story telling method is quick and to the point, which keeps the book all the more engaging and interesting.

When you read the book you really get the idea that the author is learning from his dad, who is admittedly a little rough around the edges, how to be a decent human being. Not every word the senior Halpern utters is politically correct, which is part of the humor, and he obviously embarrassed his son on occasion, but this book seems like a loving tribute to a guy who clearly loves his son even while calling him a dummy. Like MissUnderstood genius, finally, a man who says what he thinks – no political scheming, no worrying about the consequences – this man just opens his mouth and says the first profanity-laced thing that pops into his head. He’s a grumpy old guy with the smarts of a rocket scientist and the mouth of a Kentucky moonshiner. He drops pearls of wisdom in the crassest possible terms, but his comments are always dead on and endlessly hilarious. Although his language is “spicy”, his words carry deep insight and his fierce love for his children shines through all the swearing.

Justin’s dad is not mean, he just tells it like it is. It’s nice to see someone who was not afraid of his own shadow in his own house and who was not afraid to stick up for his son’s when needed-be. A love that inspires his son to recognize and realize his potential even when–or especially when–the s h*t of life hits the fan.

The quaintness and shock value of the fatherly advice in this book distracts from what a clever writer Justin Halpern is, which is actually pretty clever. The sayings are hilarious, crude, and 100% correct; rife with common sense and vulgar perfectionism. (Were Dads wiser years ago? or funnier?)

I’ve been reading the blog and enjoying it, sending and sharing it with everyone I know. I figured the book would be along the same lines – it’s not, it’s even better. If you like four-letter humor that tells it like it is…just get this book and read it!! Afterall, the truth is rarely pretty, and life is not rated G.

Caution: DO NOT read this book while you are eating, especially not popcorn. It is laugh-the-hell-out-loud-funny and if you laugh while you’re eating, you’re gonna hurt yourself.

Tangle your tongue

Most of us grew up with “She sells sea shells by the seashore” and “Peter Piper picked a peck of pickeled pepper” that we were challenged to say three times fast. It was bound to break up a boring afternoon and add laughter to our day. The twisters started out easy, but by the end, our tongue was so twisted that it was hard to say anything!!

The pathetic, tongue-tripping rendition…I went to sleep securely in the knowledge that not only can I grow up to be a pilot, but that I was already smarter than my poor parents. We would laugh at the silliness while acquiring a zest for life at the same time.

Your mouth has many muscles in it and they need to be trained like any part of your body. Lots of wiggly jiggly tongue twisters will have you “giggling, groaning and guffawing” as you (try to) read each aloud…the ability to tie your tongue into knots:
The water in Flo’s Inn flows in frozen.
As a favor my favorite flavor was placed on my plate.
six sheep sipping thick shakes
two-ton trains transporting twelve three-toed turtles twist trickily on the twin tracks
Skipper Zipp’s Clipper Ship Chip Chop Shop
Rick really raved about Sal’s Spaghetti on Saturday.
a noisy noise annoys an oyster
I saw Esau sitting on a seesaw
muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle
Luke Luck likes lakes./ Luke’s duck likes lakes.

Through three cheese trees
three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew,
freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made
these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made
these tree’s cheese freeze.
That’s what made these
three free fleas sneeze.

Tongue rolling lolling tolling so fast that you can forgive it for any errors that occur. Have fun!!

Angel in disguise – My Mom!

Like two sides of a single coin, every woman is different – just like my mom and me. Similarly, my relationship with my mom was both satisfying and frustrating, harmonious and discordant, and full of blessing and hurt. There are two sides to every story and everyone has their own story.

No matter how strong our bond is, there were turbulent times, challenges, and transitional periods that put a strain on our relationship. Many times, it was when I am making my own way through the “real world” and striving to find my own identity in my world. She was finding it hard to deal when I was choosing a different lifestyle than she would have chosen for me. It was like riding a rollercoaster that I couldn’t get off. Parts of it left me screaming, “Let me off!”. I wanted to feel that my mom is not trying to “fix” things for me, but instead that my mom has confidence in me that I will figure even this tough situation out, and I will find a solution. Instead of giving advice on everything, especially when the advice was not requested, just listen, provide support, and believe in.

We did, at times, have similarities but also realized that we are individual people. The relationship problem with adult daughter like me occur when my mother still perceives me as a child. Initially, she did have a hard time in letting go…letting me learn from my own mistakes. Well, I understand that it’s hard, because she looks back on her younger years, and want to shelter me from what mistakes she probably made at that time.

As a daughter…I sometimes struggle with my mom’s desire to still parent me in my 30s. Yet, I might be following similar footsteps with my own daughter when I have one. Will relationships ever be easy? I doubt it. Women are women…regardless of age…we are intricate, complex and sometimes (especially like me in my family) stubborn.

My mom would relate an incident, and I would explain what I was feeling about the same situation. Together we have really faced some incredible circumstances. We had numerous occasions/situations wherein we allowed each other the freedom to be who they are and trust their judgement. Like all moms, she has opinions. At times, I think she should keep opinions to herself until asked. You know what? I ask her a lot. As I grow older, we are singing more in tune than ever but sometimes we still get off-key, but as practice makes perfect, we start again and enjoy the beautiful harmonies when we find them.

We get along, for the most part, with eachother but it seems that sometimes I just don’t understand her and she doesn’t understand me. We still have our “moments”. Now, although she doesn’t agree with accepting my worldly decisions, but she does agree that she should love them unconditionally.

Even as a young child, I can remember as far back all through high school, all my friends wished they had a relationship with their mother like I had with mine. I don’t know how many times I’ve said “I could never have picked a better mother than the one God gave me.” (And secretly wish my daughter would pray the same)

Happy Mother’s day to my Mom…my Angel!!

Related articles

• 25 Things My Mom Taught Me (todaysfreshmanna.wordpress.com)

Woof Woof Woof

The driving force for today’s post is a heart-warming post from my blogger friend who reminded me of my adorable tubby-rub-alicious dogs who touch my heart with their fond memories.

Last year when I visited my cousin in UK, I met my cousin’s Sally – an adorable three-legged doggie. My cousin volunteers at an animal shelter. I have heard what being in a shelter can do to a dog or how dogs that are shifted around can “act up.” They just need someone to show them love and give them guidance. They don’t have that trust factor that goes along with getting adopted at a younger age. Sally was brought in with one of her hind leg broken — as  her leg was tied to a fence with a steel chain by her ruthless owners. My cousin felt some bond instantly when she saw Sally and she decided to adopt her. Her leg was amputated and now she is a happy doggie who has loves playing football with my cousins…and she fits in the family just like a piece of puzzle.

Then there is Whisky (my little miracle)…well, she is unique just like every doggie yet a little different. She is on her own schedule, her own march through life, and in her own world. She makes sure she lets us know she will be the “back up” if we need help fighting spiders and any intruders that might try to break in. She will sit on my lap or lay on my paper/book when I am trying to read. The sterile environment of a vet’s office makes her run in the opposite direction and its takes three to tango..err…to hold her while her doctor does her routine checkup. What appears to be madness however, may just be youthful enthusiasm for life and above average intelligence, only Whisky knows for certain. It’s an adventure in discovering what makes her tick. While still retaining her sense of fun, Whisky became disciplined enough to handle a move to a different city to live with my parents (due to my overseas travel) and bonded well with two other dogs who lived with my parents, Bruno and Champagne.

In my relationship with her , there is this essential intertwining of souls that exists in no other relationship. She is my “doggie soul-mate”. It makes me think about the role we play in our pets’ lives, for good and for bad. She taught me that a big hug, her favorite treat and a good long belly rub is all it takes to be happy, and often we (humans) forget to look beyond this while wishing for happiness.

At times when I feel low, sometime with her toy ball (gripped tightly in her mouth) and sometimes with a look, as if to say ‘I understand and am here for you’. Maybe it was the moment. Whatever it was, it was perfect..and it still is…everytime!!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

If you are a sucker for movies, watch Hachiko. Caution: Keep a Kleenex box handy and to know the storyline read further on.

There is a statue of a dog in the Shibuya train station in Tokyo. It was first set in place in 1934 to commemorate the loyalty and devotion of an Akita who waited for his master for ten years. The master was a university teacher, who died unexpectedly at work. It was the Akita’s habit to wait for his master’s return from work then walk home together. Because he could not understand why his master did not return, he faithfully waited until he died in his place at the station, where the statue was erected in his honor. This is the brief narration of a true story. He becomes a symbol of the devoted, loyal dog, man’s best friend.

Facebook – Filling in the Gaps!

I am…err…was an active participant on Facebook. I go back and forth with Facebook. I was almost a facebook addictive. I was frequent with my status updates but they were not related to my daily ups-and-downs in life (but subtly conveyed the message!)…got silly, shared funny moments, funny observations, hilarious quotes I read while travelling, feeble attempts at clever humor, opinions on books I read, etc…simply keeping up with friends, family and colleagues…not playing games (arghh - I hated the Farmville invites!). My list of ‘friends’ is nearly 300+. Through Facebook I have reconnected with long-lost loved ones, high school mates, meet-once-in-a-blue-moon ex-colleagues, alongwith my huge family (immediate, extended, distant cousins, met-when-I-was-a-baby kinda ones) and virtual friends scattered all over the globe.

For me, Facebook is a wonderful medium that helps “fill in the gaps”. For really close friends that I talk to often, it’s not so helpful – except for photos and the like. But for casual friends or acquaintances that are now far away, it’s good to see how they are doing, and it’s a God-send when it comes to showing my teenage cousins that I actually care about them and their world without being overly intrusive, since we adults and teens tend to live in very different worlds.

Facebook is a bit like postcards – happy news  and bragging, sad tidings and milestones, and like sometimes an electronic graffiti – random thoughts, witticisms. It’s many things to many people. Of course I hide posts from people who annoy me, just like I skip sections of the newspaper. There are VERY FEW, if any, things I would ever share with EVERYONE in my life. Facebook brings them all together in a strangely uncomfortable way. I use hiding feature to mitigate some of it – everyone isn’t privy to the sometimes silly things I post that I would consider might offend them or let them know too much about my personal life.

But Facebook could mean different things to different people. Some people can be informative without bragging or gushing some just overdo it.  Some people talk only about what’s new – others just go on and on about everything, including flossing. Some use it for information posts, targeted groups or professional blogs.

I revel in other people’s good days and don’t mind sharing in the dark ones. Occasionally I see a rant, but with so many people looking at content of employees or job applicants, I think more people are becoming careful about posting anything negative. I see a richness though. Have many friends and family members who show off art work, crafts, and notify of special events coming up.  I love to see this stuff.  Have also seen some pretty funny videos and some wry takes on current news.  Have connected with people I haven’t seen for a while or family members I have never met due to geographical distance. I provide my own filters – if I am not interested, I just don’t read it.

I find Facebook brings out streaks of exhibitionist in people – everyone is trying so hard to convince everyone else that their lives are fabulous. There is a way to tell people good news or about interesting things you’ve done without sounding obnoxious. I try not to get roped in and usually I just hide people whose posts annoy me. I can argue that it’s a show-off venue, or that it’s a rare outpost of optimism in a culture where the put-down is king. I figure if anyone wants to hide me or unfriend me, they can. And I HAVE been unfriended.

Life goes on. But all in all, I value Facebook very much for allowing me to stay in touch with and reconnect with people in my life. Sometimes it becomes too much and I step away for a bit, but it’s a comfort to know I’ve connected with those people and they will still be there to interact with when I come back. I am sure many of them do the same thing.

Well…Facebook is what you want it to be!!

Have some fun: Wanna know how addicted to facebook are you – try Facebook Addict Quiz for youself.

I am 33% addicted to Facebook!