Daddy, you can let go…

Guess the only song which can make my eyes wet each time I hear it..!!

Modesty Thy Name Is…

Quite a few would have noticed that I was not as active on my blogging front..well, I shifted to a new city for a new job and struggling to find a new (rented) apartment. But all this “new” doesn’t change the old me…although I already feel a little more free. Mumbai is considered one of the safest city in India compared to the capital city Delhi for reasons in news recently. You will see girls travelling in cabs or locals (aka ‘trains’) late in the nights and today was my first experience of returning around midnight from a friend’s place. Ohhh, I felt so free and independent!!! While in Delhi, I could never dream of doing so. Mumbai is up close to New York.. and I am loving it.

Anyways, new job is starting to catch its pace and I am enjoying it more as it’s a paradigm shift after working for 6.5 years in my previous organization. This made me remember an article, which I read a while ago, that men apply to jobs when they think they can do 50% of the job description whereas women only apply if they think they can do 95% of it, in general of course. (The percent might be a bit off, but it was definitely a stark difference.) I mostly applied to jobs where I could do a majority of the description. Note to Self: Next time I am job searching, I plan to use the 50% when deciding what to apply to.

Successful “networking” has always given an applicant an edge, but I think that nowadays being a “known commodity” is all one needs in most cases. I think some people are raised to not talk highly of themselves, to deflect compliments, and to downplay their skills/talents. However, for job interview, you have to do the opposite. It may feel like bragging when you are a person who is used to saying little about your talents, but it’s not, it’s just telling the truth.

I have found that people are drawn to others who are expressive and enthusiastic, are good conversationalist, and those who have a healthy self-confidence. Perhaps working on these “soft” skills also improves results. Be a confident person and do not downplay your accomplishments in interviews.

One thing that has always stood out in the interviewing process for me: no one wants to work with someone they don’t like. You can be fully qualified for something, but if you can’t show them that you’re pleasant and compatible with how they do business, you won’t get to the top of the list. Show your maturity in the interview – carry on small talk, answer questions fully (not just the yes-no that they might have asked). Know that you can do the job (because you will be able to, even if it’s not on day 1). And remember, you can be overlooked for being modest.

Don’t oversell yourself, but don’t undersell yourself either. Whatever your prospective employer needs, you wouldn’t have been called in for the interview if it was beyond your scope. Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know it, but I DO know that I can learn it.” That’s what most employers want to hear. In some environments, your past experience is a liability, not an asset. Hiring employer might wonder what prejudices you will bring with you to your new job! You are new at this; you have no preconceived notions of how the job should be done. Many employers will value that freshness. You may not need to sell anything; just don’t undersell yourself!

As part of a Hiring team for one of my projects in my last organization, I discovered:

1. 50% of the applicants can’t do the job and you can’t trust 90% of them.
2. 70% lie on their resume.
3. Attitude, English skills and comprehension blows away technical skill.

Phew!!

Trust that you can do the job, because you can. Employers just want the best bang for their buck, and job descriptions are usually their (not always realistic) wish list.

Sniff away!!

Smell is the most evocative of senses, the one most likely to trigger a visceral, emotional reaction or specific memory. Whiff..Whiff!!  Do you realize that how it impacts day-to-day decisions – the sudden impulse to buy that cinnamon bun or “new car”-scented convertible wasn’t actually impulsive at all, but a conditioned response to a carefully engineered stimulus.

I have a memory of only a very few scents from my childhood. I remember what the lilacs on the fence outside the kitchen door smelled like; I remember the smell of a freshly cut Christmas tree and the smell of the fur on a kitten’s throat; and I remember the smell of baby powder.

We *wear* fragrances (as opposed to sniffing them on strips–decidedly a minority pastime) for a variety of reasons: to make a statement, to find comfort or stimulation, to complement a particular ensemble, to seduce (and here the tastes of the quarry count far more than Apollonian meditations on beauty), and even, in some parts of the world, to mask the fact that they haven’t taken a bath. Most people simply want a fragrance to make the day a little more pleasant for themselves and for those around them, not because they want to wear a work of “art” whose complexity and depth are going to make heads turn or spark a discussion.

Did you know that fragrances were all unisex until the early 20th century – prior to then, men and women wore what they liked, rather  than what was ‘marketed’ to them.

Browsing at the perfume counter has become like attending a cocktail party filled with famous people. Some will speak to you immediately. Some will stand back, but become friendly if you approach. Some are dull as dishwater. Some you will dislike. But being an insider at the party is exciting. I love that I have an invitation. (Fun Fact: Sniffing coffee beans doesn’t “reset” your sense of smell, it’s just a placebo effect)

I suppose perfume is like anything else, personal taste varies wildly from person to person. I spray those little sniff strips, later seal each in a plastic snack bag so I can re-evaluate it for days. Then I sleep with one strip on my pillow for one night, hoping for wonderful dreams.

Scent is linked to both attraction and memory, it’s amazing that so little attention is paid to it. Is perfume necessary to my existence? No. But, perfume has become a fascinating foray into sensual exploration.

Everyone knows how big the market for perfumes is, and there are also industrial scents put into soap and detergent at no small price. No holding back here - the next time you stop in the ground-level fragrance bazaar of your favorite department store, be aware that the fragrance industry is perhaps the only business that gets constantly away with blatant label fraud: if you think the “Fahrenheit” that you smelled in the bathroom after your dad took your mom to the theater, is still in the identical-looking bottle that you would buy today, think again: since Dior is now part of LVMH, all its famous perfumes have been re-formulated under the thin disguise of conforming with new regulations, yet in truth to squeeze out the last centime of profit by often substituting original high-quality ingredients with cheap large-volume synthetics.

Some companies have “logoscents.” Westin hotels has a logoscent called “White Tea” that they put in their lobbies.

I am happy to be reminded that we live in a world where Chanel #5 still exists in proper form. Sacrebleu!!

It’s Heaven

Sure it is, when I look in my Mom‘s eyes!!

Proof in the pudding!!!

Most of us add value to our organizations (companies, teams, families) not by virtue of our technical competencies, but rather by our ability to relate to and with other human beings. That relating is primarily through conversation.  A routine conversation can become crucial in an instant (just ask any parent of teenagers). In the workplace there are plenty of risky conversations: asking for a raise, holding a peer accountable, challenging an idea proposed by the boss.

Do you remember the last time you had a conversation that didn’t end up well? Five minutes into it the shouting and finger pointing exploded like fireworks on the 4th of July. Let’s face it, whether we like it or not, we have these types of conversations with our business partners, distributors and even loved ones from time to time. What really triggers a conversation to go arie? And, what can we do to avoid this in the future?

We all face situations in life where things are tense and saying the right things is crucial. As opposed to a casual discussion, crucial conversations happen between two or more people when opinions vary, stakes are high, and emotions run strong. Whether you are approaching a boss who is breaking his or her own policies, critiquing a colleague’s work, or talking to a team member who isn’t keeping commitments, keeping the conversation productive can be very difficult.

The free flow of meaning between two or more people find a way to get all relevant information from themselves and others out in the open and make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool. These people try hard to ensure that all ideas find their way into the forum; and as this “pool of shared meaning” grows, it helps people by exposing them to more accurate and relevant information so they can make better
decisions.

You’ll “Learn to Look” for “silence” and “violence” (clam up or blow up) behaviors that are deadly to relationships. You’ll discover “Make It Safe”
skills that enable you and others to navigate through the most risky subjects. You’ll learn to “Master Your Stories” by distinguishing more clearly between observations and conclusions, facts and assumptions. You’ll learn skills that make it possible to listen with a level of empathy you never thought possible.

One of the reasons a conversation turns from normal to well, difficult, is because either party forgets the purpose of the conversation or conflict is avoided at all costs. Things are “smoothed over” or ignored completely. The reality is that the payback is just delayed and there are negative consequences. Those discussions we dread and often sidestep because we anticipate they will be confrontational. And then on the occasions when we can’t avoid them, crucial conversations are the encounters that tighten our stomachs, put our egos on the line, and threaten personal and professional relationships.

More positively, crucial conversations could open opportunities for us to share our feelings and opinions without fear of reprisal in a truly safe
environment. We avoid getting forced into false either-or choices and remain alert for unstated alternatives or possibilities. Well….well…!!!

Chit Chat

Sheldon: I made tea.
Leonard: I don’t want tea.
Sheldon: I didn’t make tea for you. This is my tea.
Leonard: Then why are you telling me?
Sheldon: It’s a conversation starter.
Leonard: That’s a lousy conversation starter.
Sheldon: Oh, is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate.

I hate small talk. Anyone who thinks same as me, raise your hand. I can’t see it but I know few of you reading my post waving their hand in the air!

To me, it was nothing more than blah, blah, blah. Few of the reasons being – we are socialized to be wary of strangers, we think too many questions makes us nosy, introducing ourselves and others is not easy always, initiating, carrying on and ending a conversation is a challenge and lastly, finding similarities and interest in our conversation partners is hard at times. I used to think my mother knows everyone in a social gathering or weddings. Now I realize that she didn’t, but had the ability to talk with anyone as though they were an old friend.

I should say that during my school life, I have dealt with a crippling anxiety. It was more intense at sometimes than at others but it was always present. I would cringe in paralyzing fear at the prospect of starting a conversation with someone or even just saying ‘Hi, how’re you doing?’ to them made my head spin in pain. I couldn’t accept someones invitation to go out, or even hang out on my own turf, because I felt that I just didn’t know how to “be.” Some would say I had social phobia. Inwardly I have anxiety relating to people, sometimes mild or moderate, sometimes severe, but outwardly people tell me I seem extremely friendly and at ease. Sometime the simplest little conversations can make or break a relationship, or for that matter making or breaking a beautiful date, many time I had a tongue slippage that almost got me canned. I know that I am one of those people who feels like I have to keep the ball moving if I strike up a conversation…and storytelling to emphasize a point is a great takeaway for me just like for many of us.

Unless you live in a cave, your conversations with others will be more valuable to you because in the business/professional world, social skills sign your checks. In theory, we know about networking. we have the business cards, the firm handshake, and the sparkling smile. We just don’t know how to get people to talk about more than where the bathroom is or how nice the weather is.

“Language most shews a man: Speak, that I may see thee.” The great English dramatist and poet Ben Jonson wrote these words in the seventeenth century. They are as true today as they were then. With 11 years in the corporate world, I learnt that people evaluate you by the words you use and the way you use them. Of course, people also make judgments based on your body language, dress style, attitude, facial expressions and similar criteria that immediately register at a subconscious level. Except yes, I probably *should* evaluate my smiles and other facial expressions in the mirror.

But what to do when there is a crucial conversation??

Guatemalan Worry Dolls

According to legend, if you tell your worries to one of Guatemalan worry dolls before bed and sleep with it under your pillow, the doll will relieve you of your worries while you sleep. Tell these dolls your secret wishes. Tell them your problems. Tell them your dreams. And when you awake, you may find the magic within you to make your dreams come true. Obviously, this was mainly a children’s thing to do, and some health care practitioners still use this treatment to help children deal with illness and other troubles. What a beautiful bit of lore with wonderful effects!

I do not own a Guatemalan worry doll but I do have circle of friends who act the same. Few I meet every other day to take a 30-min walk together and vent out our worries (productive and unproductive) while few are out there in the virtual world. It doesn’t always work but I am not always looking for a solution to my worry. But there’s something deeply soothing about saying your worries out loud and leave it there. The physical act of putting the proverbial “lid on it” really does help. If not to a friend, you can blog about it…thats how I entered into blog-o-sphere few months back.

Hope each of us have found their Guatemalan-way for dealing with their worries

Two to Tango!!

Some believe that men and women basically use different parts of their brains. Often heard are: “The left brain thinks, the right brain feels.” “The left brain analyzes, the right brain intuits.” “The left brain is logical, the right brain is emotional.” Likely, our thinking, feeling, and loving are more complex than these simple statements; yet, at least on occasion (likely more often) men and women think and feel differently and express themselves differently.

Most couples get married when they still have the euphoric feelings of being in love. When these euphoric feelings evaporate some time after marriage and differences begin to emerge, they often find themselves in conflict. With no positive plan for resolving conflicts, they often find themselves speaking harshly to each other. Harsh words create feelings of hurt, disappointment and anger.

We claim to have put in much effort to make the other feel loved yet ironically, we have felt under-loved and under-appreciated by our partner. When our relationship is in crisis, common sense goes out the window and we start trying crazy things to solve the problem or you can’t even TRY to solve it at all and it spirals out of control. The problem is most people love how they want to be loved, and that doesn’t tend to align with how their partner wants to be loved. We don’t really understand what our partner needs because it is SO DIFFERENT from what each of us need. We don’t realize how much our actions or lack of actions affects the other person. Our expression of love is more of a matter of personal preference and sometimes the right words to express something elude us – different individuals will respond differently to each of them.

Love is hard work. It is no rocket-science however we are unable to figure out the simplicity of a relationship’s health or broken-ness until it ends. As we know, love is more than a feeling…love is what you do, which is why we’re so confused by the whole thing.

People like myself are lunk-headed who see that love is beyond roses and chocolates. In reality, we need to know other’s person want of expression in order for the love cup to be filled. Gifts, Words, Service, Touch, Attention… everyone gives and receives love differently. In the beginning of a relationship…everything is hot and heavy…and you are just happy that someone is into you. But as time marches on, the love you give can fall on deaf ears…. And then all of a sudden you don’t feel appreciated and the cycle of a relationship ending looms overhead. It’s because you keep loving the other person the way that you feel loved rather than the way they feel loved. It’s not easy to change the way you love someone… but it is all about speaking the other person’s language.

One of best ways to tell someone “I Love You” is to say “I love you just the way you are.” Love is what you do, not only an emotion, which is why we’re so confused by the whole thing. The principle here is if you want to be accepted in any relationship you should give your acceptance first. How many of us really want someone to relentlessly badger us to change this or change that about ourselves. Change in itself can be difficult, but that is another subject to consider.

In ballroom dancing it has been said that “it takes two to tango,” and “it takes one to lead.” I have learned from many others, a successful, lasting, and happy relationship involves two great forgivers and apologizers. I have found that those who never or almost never say “I’m sorry” have difficulties with their working and personal relationships.

A good question to ask yourself at the beginning of each day: “What will I do today that shows I both love and respect people around me?” TIP: While certainly one positive act or action daily is a good start, many are even better and will bring more benefits.

Job Advertisement for Humor Specialist (Just For Laughs)

Ironically, this is the best job ad I have seen so far!! With the dark humor in the financial crisis, Treasury sure was looking for more entertainment… =). No wonder Geithner wanted the Treasury’s budget increased.

Would you have considered the job as a Humor Specialist?? If only I had worked on my humor since childhood

Find your way to Happiness or Unhappiness…

If the rhetorical question of my previous post made you nod your head in confusion, here is something to help you find an answer.

Or if you are finding ways to be unhappy…here are the 10 golden rules to ease your journey!! Have a safe trip…