…in the time of Internet!!

It’s undisputed that technology has shaped the world today. From the simplex variety that secretly runs the world, to the one that decides which of our friends’ status updates we see, movies to watch, and products to buy, algorithms increasingly govern our behaviors and choices. Nowhere is this truer than the world of match-making. The widespread acceptance of online services developed over many years thanks largely to the widespread adoption of the internet in all areas of life.

The indian traditional way was (or rather still is prevalent) that a community, vis-à-vis, through religion, the neighborhood, or friends, single individuals were selected for introduction. From personal ads in newspapers to online dating, there has been a stigma in using these ‘services’ still in Modern India. This stigma on people feeling that they can not meet someone in a traditional sense but the use of technology is seen inferior or less prestigious. While internet enabled smart people to launch business that relied on technology to match people for matrimonial or dates, they have been incapable of creating cultural change that would remove the stigma from this form of services.

In other countries, single adults participate in web-based dating sites, however, dating sites in India is still in a nascent stage. On the other hand, matrimonial sites/services are in abundant who claim to have helped people find their soulmate. Besides eligible bachelors, one will find their parents, friends or other relatives are actively doing match-making, as it is a convenient and accessible option.

In the world of singles, the traditional model of finding your partner is to meet a quality person with an open mind. This will result in meeting like-minded individuals that may be potential partners. However, technology has replaced the way that courtships occur today. The rise of technology while creating more interconnectedness has resulted in less of a traditional way of meeting.

Despite being part of tech-savy generation, how this fascinating, bizarre, totally unexplained, exploding technology fits into this traditional methods of match-making, is beyond me. These matrimonial websites might use more of a sorting mechanism, but like in real life, there is no real way of knowing if a match will work. The successful results are difficult to replicate. However, once a person decides to use these services, they are more open to making the potential encounter work. It seems that technology will not replace the “gut” feeling that occurs when two people meet.

Just like the real world, online dating is a place to find people. It works maybe because so many people are not able to meet people in their immediate spheres of day by day life. It CAN be a useful tool along with face-to-face meetings. I know several people who have meet their spouse on the internet and a couple more who are in long(ish) term relations with internet dating sites to thank for.

While technology has changed the method of making the first encounter, the `making it work’ aspect still depends on the individuals. It is the relationship that counts and that chemistry happens only through complex human interaction!!

Yes, I do!!

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1) Select The Numbers

2) Press Ctrl + F

3) Press 99 And See What Happens!

Whats’s in a name?

You wanna be where you can see that people are all the same… You wanna be where everybody knows your name. An old song, I know. But the bottom line is clear, we all feel better when interacting with others using our names. So, let’s do it and make life a little bit better.

We are now in the days of hiding behind a computer and, we forget to get personal. It makes even the most nonchalent/defensive of people relent when you refer to them by name when affirming, or even repeating, something they’ve just said.  If you put in such efforts to make people feel they matter, it certainly pays off, It’s a hoot to see the look in their eyes when they do not expect it.

At restaurants, I notice that the wait staff doesn’t seem to wear nametags anymore and sometimes I have to ask their names, but its nicer to say, “Excuse me, Sandy” rather than “Hey!” when you need something from them.  I think anyone appreciates being called by his/her name vs. something generic (especially the ewwwwww-inspiring “honey/sweetie/babe” that some women get.)

Ask a question using a name and you are more likely to get the positive answer than just using the question without the name. Referring to someone by their name is a moment of connection, whether in a professional or social situation. This helps build the relationships that lead to success.  The other side of the coin, introducing yourself and stating your own name when meeting someone new, is just as important.

Often in business situations people use full names. If I am going to have an extended relationship with the person I like to ask how they prefer to be addressed. Some people prefer James, while others prefer Jim. I like to call people by the name they prefer, but if you don’t ask, you don’t know. If someone prefers Jim and you keep using James, it is noticeable and can be uncomfortable to the person. Depending on the relationship, they may be uncomfortable correcting you.  I will add one more thing. If you are being formal and using an honorific, use the right one. Professor Jones may not like being called Mr Jones. General Smith probably does not like to be called Mr Smith. And Dr Barnes may not like Miss Barnes.

Dale Carnegie said, ”Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”

Sometimes I ask people about their first name. Many times folks love telling me the story behind their name, how they got it, why they have it, and it can be really fun to hear. Within 60 seconds, I know a lot more about them and their family history. I have always been a strong believer in building rapport and the name is always the first step.

It’s the little big things (in this case being called by name) that can make the difference in business and interpersonal relationships. If only more could adopt this simple courtesy. Indeed what you get by personalizing communication is really priceless. It is true that everyone likes the sound of heir own name and using it helps you to remember it. However, do not fall into the trap which some sales people have of inserting the name into every single sentence! Keep in mind:  “It’s my name, don’t wear it out.”

The only caveat being the importance of getting the name right. There are several reasons why mistakes may happen – assumed surnames, a surname that could be a first name, unknown transposition, etc. To be personal courtesies, names must be more than automated fill-ins for numbers.

“They couldn’t think of a number so they gave me a name” – Rupert Hines

Tip: Be careful in the UK.  They don’t like overfamiliarity and certainly don’t want their first names written on paper coffee cup when they just want a cup of coffee. 

Agree to Disagree

“Nothing gets accomplished without accountability,” said a wise U.S. Department of Education leader of educational reform. In simple words, to me this does imply the mere fact that it takes more than one for accomplishment, and many to be a powerful force.

I’ve never had an idea that couldn’t be improved by sharing it with others. Quite often, the “other” is someone who disagrees with me, sometimes fundamentally. Sometimes, usually in the middle of a heated discussion of next steps, it’s difficult to appreciate the colleagues who push and challenge me. I wouldn’t trade them for anything though. They make me better at what I do. Great ideas are meant to be shared!

One of my best and worst co-workers was one who challenged me on Everything. It was bad because it slowed things down.  I’d have to spend a lot of time building up a case for any new decisions.  It was good because it forced me to really think through important decisions – and be ready for a challenge.

I believe challenging ideas is often the best way to create new ones. People must be open to this concept and not intimidated by the questioning required to improve and/or create something new. Virtually,  it’s the best way to keep up with change. It’s overwhelming to see what can be accomplished when the people who challenge each other are also dedicated to showing each other mutual respect and arriving at a mutually agreeable outcome.

The challenging of ideas can definitely be a motivating factor. It can lead to compromise and benefits for both the teams as well as idea refinement for allies. Challenge eliminates complacency. All work environments need to embrace a healthy level of engaging, divergent thought-leadership perspectives.

If you want to be a champion then surround yourself with people who want to be champions. If you want to compete at the highest levels then train with those who compete at the highest levels. Spend lots of time with the people who will raise your game. If you want to grow then put yourself with a team that will make you uncomfortable when you do things that are wrong. Hang out with people who will push you to do the difficult things.

So even if you disagree with my thoughts, lets agree to disagree!!

Bored to death…

I was told of a classic conversation between the “Borer” & the “sufferer” the latter ultimately telling the former thus: I understand that between us you know almost everything and that I know only the one thing that you don’t know- that you are a “Big Bore”.

Although it sounds rude, interruption is actually a good sign, I think. It means a person is bursting to say something, and that shows interest. It’s not just me , there are quite a few facing this situation, right? I have a natural tendency to ask for clarifications and raise questions during conversations. In fact I might forget or may feel “let it be” and some very useful point may be left out.

I am keenly interested in body language and micro expressions such as good eye contact and a smile that flits across the features. Staring as well as very poor eye contact signals that the person is disengaged and a smile that feels (looks) stuck, signals irritation.

Furthermore I have observed that if a person starts yawning- is a sign that he/she is forcing self to listen to you and is bored to limits. Similarly a person who listens (or pretend to listens) with arms crossed could be a sign that he/she is bored and more often even offended by the nonsense being uttered. I see these behaviors often among people in a position of power, who mistake ‘obligatory’ listening for vivid interest! One’s background certainly does influence communication style and acceptability within given conversation(s).

The art of communication is scribble – abstract. It takes keen observation and skill for one to catch the conversation nuances and then blend.

On the lighter side: If I had a choice between being a bore to some one or being bored by some one, I would choose the former. That keeps me from yawning in the other person’s face. Not everyone or everything can get melodramatically interesting as Shakespeare’s stage of words and sonnets.

Unfortunately, I think I fall in to both categories (the boring and the bored). I have a bad habit of reading emails even when I am holding a phone conversation. I could genuinely be interested in what someone at the other end of the line is saying and still display these signs. Bad habit – Must be broken!! Blame it on my work but now I consciously close my eyes during a phone conversation to not let myself be distracted.

As to being boring, well…just the other day when I was loss of words, what can I say, I bet you stopped reading this post a while ago!!!

Do we Hear or Listen??

You Look Beautiful…!! (Just For Laughs)

Please do me… (Just for Laughs)

Pieces of the Puzzle

**To be read with a pinch of humor** (:

As much as I enjoy my new work place and meeting my new colleagues (few of which ‘might’ turn into friends over a period of time), I cant help but miss my ex-colleagues in various assignments – few I worked with and for a few of them, and few who were simply a part of the assignment. They were open and willing to explore ideas together, inherently curious people, and ones who didn’t grade our relationship on some hierarchical scale but based on our shared interests. The fact that my work was recognized by the client or my superiors is more a testament to the amazing social talent I was surrounded by…than anything else.

When we embark on a new assignment, do we not wonder who do we want on our team or how can we build teams and networks where everyone wins and grows? If only we had Networkers, Connectors, People Happy to Refer You First – With No Expectations, People Who Believe in You…Willing to Help You and Help You with Ideas…people who believe in paying it forward always end up being your best business relationship.

I have and will come across various people in my work – and yes, I might love to run away from a few of them…. but these are colleagues whom I have to engage with so heading for the nearest door really isn’t an option. Because we have:

Narcissists who are closers that go big or go home. They “build up their press because they concentrate on success instead of failure. It’s the fundamental psychology of a sales professional. I feel they serve a purpose on a sales team.

The Name Dropper which could be a sub category of the Narcissist or Status Claimer. Yes, networking is about who they know, but I don’t need a constant reminder of who they know and whose yacht they were on this weekend.

Griller who ask lots and lots of questions because they dig stories, details, emotions, insight, histories, opinions, convictions, the whole gamut. They aren’t necessarily bad…I think the person I run from is the person who asks and asks, but turns into a clam when it’s their turn to spill it. They are usually so focussed on asking the next question that they are almost never listening, unless it conforms with their world view.

Ahh-I-know-it-all who has learned everything they need to know and try to make everything fit into that paradigm.

I-Me-Myself who are one-way-street types who will run over you, put you down, stifle you, discourage you, and never treat you with respect – for sure never love you.

Elevator Pitch Junkies who live by their 20-seconds pitch on everything you ever needed to know about life and everything. They want everything in a nice neat package, injected intravenously in their empty heads so that they can go around repeating the mantra like a parrot.

Yes Man/Woman who follow come what may and never question. They are helpful for getting stuff done but can lead an organisation down the path to ruin if no one else is there to be critical. They are positive but destructive.

Glory-hunters who find delegation difficult or who cherry-pick parts from roles for maximum visibility. It’s not a very inclusive or team-spirited attitude

Chronic Dictators who never contribute to the positive team energy/ creativity required to successfully complete any projects but constantly provide input on how to get the job done (a talking head).

The Grandstander who will jump on a topic and them dominate the conversation trying to establish themselves as the subject-matter expert. Unfortunately, it results in a one-sided conversation and does little to forward a true discussion on the issue.

Oh-Wellers who want to be a part of the process, but have no real desire for one outcome vs. another…who act like they’re all in, but bail when things get rough or aren’t going well.

Including the ones that give you 15 arguments why not to do something rather than one contribution on how to succeed at it… Or the ones that grill your ideas to then go on and still them for personal advancement… Both are actually similar they just want to justify their existence and salaries it’s all about toxic individual survival… What they are missing is that a company is like a rugby team… ultimately no one cares or remember how many tackles or turn overs you made or if you scored they remember you were part of the team that won the championship.

The Dodger who don’t return calls or emails. They don’t actively participate in meetings/try to avoid attending them at all. They avoid having to deliver anything. Anything they couldn’t avoid being responsible for – never gets delivered because they were waiting on someone else to do something/they didn’t realise there was a time line/the sky was too blue (always a reason for non delivery). Claim they are always busy but can’t actually explain their workload. They just cruise through the day in the office and god forbid you need something off them.

How about working with too many “Chiefs and not enough Indians“, people who know the answer before you even finish your statement. Or the ones when you try to explain your situation and they say its ok, and havent even let you put your two cents in.

Just including the ‘non-learners‘ who live online but don’t tap into its vast knowledge base, either from poor research skills, arrogance or plain laziness.

The ones I am uncomfortable with the most are the ones who pull out their cell phones and call/receive call right in the middle of a conversation. While I have allowed it to propagate, stunned by its impeccable crassness, in the solace of knowing that manners are the property of a gentleman and a lady, while their lack – the hallmark of an upstart.

Work and life are blessed with the contribution from many personalities and nuances, these nuances and personalities in turn help us develop our skills further and polish our intelligent coping strategies, I look at it as an opportunity to find a different way to engage, almost like finding a new way home. While we may rule these people out temporarily, we should not rule them out permanently. In worst cases, if you are unable to accommodate the person in the team, let go the people off the bus freeing them to be great elsewhere, by not holding them back.

The truth is, as long as man is ruling planet “earth”, it’s never going to be perfect and that’s ever so evident in the workplace. Ah geez, what if I’m guilty of all of these? Can I run away from myself? Work seems to work better when the basics of being a human are practiced. Could most problems be solved that simply? How can something so simple, be so difficult sometimes?

Not always can you pick who you work with and certainly not easy to run from all those that you just have to work with – but what the heck, who said life was easy. Just as each of us (raising my hand virtually) have made our set of mistakes, so do others, and so we leave the door open that if someone changes, they can be welcomes back. We just have to try to find a way through with these people – try to find their strengths, draw them out of the behaviour that we don’t need. I find that most people step up when they are surrounded by curious, positive, informed folks.

As a wise man said, “In my life so far, I have discovered that there are really only two kinds of people: those who are for you, and those who are against you. Learn to recognize them, for they are often and easily mistaken for each other.“

The important “piece of the puzzle” is to be able to lead and inspire while honoring people’s differences. Good rule of thumb in all endeavors: you are only as smart as the people you surround yourself with… Sometimes referred to as a “team”.

How’s it going?