Are you save-for-rainy-day type?

Yet one of my irrelevant fluff post but I simply allowed a free flow of thoughts from one to another. (Does it happen to you too? Or am I insane?) Ah well, let me just share it with you!

How it started…

While getting ready for work today morning, I found in my closet that there are a few piece of clothing which I bought from high-end stores years ago still have price tags on them. I bought them with the hope that someday, on some parties I might be able to wear them. Right now I am not so sure whether I will even wear them or if they will fit me anymore.

And it reminds me…

If you have watched West Wing, you will notice that the president recycles one of his conservative-baiting speeches from season one into season two. While you never want to plow over plowed ground, sometimes a notion gets better when you give it time to percolate.

The guilt trip…

New books I really want to read? Sitting on shelf being “saved” for 10 years (Now I frequent CrossWords, a). New clothes? Yep, in closet, hanging, with tags on for months. Bottles of wine or vodka? Yep, taking up space.

Walked down the memory lane…

I grew up in the middle class (like most) and my parents were economical in regards to money. So I am definitely a “save for rainy day” type. I always think twice in splurging on something which I might need or might use or is half its price now. And if I do (Oh yes!!), I always save baubles and pretty scarves and fragrances for “special occasions.”

It can be perceived as consumer behavior…… this is an opportunity for every retailers and manufacturers *wink**wink*

Well, I tried to get rid of this habit few years back. Now, every few months, I do a clear out – this last time I did a slide show of favorite pieces of my clothing that I have loved and kept over the years, but that I don’t wear any more. I see those cute outfits more now than I ever did stuck in my closet. I still have few old sweaters/t-shirts that I can’t and won’t part with, but there is something to be said to putting off happiness!

Never really knew it was a global problem. People hoard just like the royalty did in ancient Egypt, who harbored a belief that all the accumulated wealth, will do them good in their next life. People hoard wealth and grow old, but refuse to part with it in their lifetimes, thinking that they will lose their importance. Wealth cannot grow, unless it flows!

One of my colleague did the same with candles and a few other things, like really good perfume. Since the beginning of 2013, she has “burned up” three candles and refuses to buy any more until her “inventory” looks more reasonable. The perfume will take longer.

Like Scottie F. said, “Right now is plenty special enough!” You have to be comfortable with new, in order to discard old ( Hmmm … I wonder if that includes T-shirts). This is something many people experience in varying degrees and is really a function of anxiety. It’s the “what-if” phenomenon. I always have a spare or replacement “just in case” I can’t get more later. I see it all too often in my practice, and the idea of “spending out” can be a cute way for some to challenge it. Its not about spending out, its about spending better, right? Idiosyncratic but if it makes you happy.

And my train of thoughts…

People withhold things that would be better given away. There’s a saying in sports: You waste the energy you don’t spend on the field. Here are a few things I think fall into that category:

• Ideas: A small piece of information at the right time is worth more than “perfect” information that is too late.
• Feedback: Continuous feedback throughout the year is more useful than an annual review coming after the period when the information could have been used.
• Courtesy: Being friendly as a rule gets better results than acting friendly only when you need something from somebody.

Life is too short to do something for ourselves. Whether it is the clothes we wear, the things we feel, or the effort we expend on a project. We should give it our best and do our best. Holding back for another time doesn’t make sense personally or professionally. We can never really know what or when is the right time to give our all. The impact we have by not doing the best we can with all we have will never be known. The intimates of our lives may not matter to anyone else but when we know we have done our best with the best we have, we can be satisfied. It doesn’t matter if everyone is happy with that effort, we can look back on it and how it turned and know that we did the best we could with what we had. If we can’t find joy and happiness in that, then we never will be happy. Spending out is the only way to live our life without looking back at it with regrets.

Why wait until tomorrow to look and feel our best…it’s not guaranteed!

FIVE *Good* Things in Life!!

Modesty Thy Name Is…

Quite a few would have noticed that I was not as active on my blogging front..well, I shifted to a new city for a new job and struggling to find a new (rented) apartment. But all this “new” doesn’t change the old me…although I already feel a little more free. Mumbai is considered one of the safest city in India compared to the capital city Delhi for reasons in news recently. You will see girls travelling in cabs or locals (aka ‘trains’) late in the nights and today was my first experience of returning around midnight from a friend’s place. Ohhh, I felt so free and independent!!! While in Delhi, I could never dream of doing so. Mumbai is up close to New York.. and I am loving it.

Anyways, new job is starting to catch its pace and I am enjoying it more as it’s a paradigm shift after working for 6.5 years in my previous organization. This made me remember an article, which I read a while ago, that men apply to jobs when they think they can do 50% of the job description whereas women only apply if they think they can do 95% of it, in general of course. (The percent might be a bit off, but it was definitely a stark difference.) I mostly applied to jobs where I could do a majority of the description. Note to Self: Next time I am job searching, I plan to use the 50% when deciding what to apply to.

Successful “networking” has always given an applicant an edge, but I think that nowadays being a “known commodity” is all one needs in most cases. I think some people are raised to not talk highly of themselves, to deflect compliments, and to downplay their skills/talents. However, for job interview, you have to do the opposite. It may feel like bragging when you are a person who is used to saying little about your talents, but it’s not, it’s just telling the truth.

I have found that people are drawn to others who are expressive and enthusiastic, are good conversationalist, and those who have a healthy self-confidence. Perhaps working on these “soft” skills also improves results. Be a confident person and do not downplay your accomplishments in interviews.

One thing that has always stood out in the interviewing process for me: no one wants to work with someone they don’t like. You can be fully qualified for something, but if you can’t show them that you’re pleasant and compatible with how they do business, you won’t get to the top of the list. Show your maturity in the interview – carry on small talk, answer questions fully (not just the yes-no that they might have asked). Know that you can do the job (because you will be able to, even if it’s not on day 1). And remember, you can be overlooked for being modest.

Don’t oversell yourself, but don’t undersell yourself either. Whatever your prospective employer needs, you wouldn’t have been called in for the interview if it was beyond your scope. Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know it, but I DO know that I can learn it.” That’s what most employers want to hear. In some environments, your past experience is a liability, not an asset. Hiring employer might wonder what prejudices you will bring with you to your new job! You are new at this; you have no preconceived notions of how the job should be done. Many employers will value that freshness. You may not need to sell anything; just don’t undersell yourself!

As part of a Hiring team for one of my projects in my last organization, I discovered:

1. 50% of the applicants can’t do the job and you can’t trust 90% of them.
2. 70% lie on their resume.
3. Attitude, English skills and comprehension blows away technical skill.

Phew!!

Trust that you can do the job, because you can. Employers just want the best bang for their buck, and job descriptions are usually their (not always realistic) wish list.

Toot your own horn – Would you?

It is true that canons like modesty, humility, etc. are drilled into our head from infancy, and probably most of us were taught one common golden rule early on in life: Don’t toot your own horn. While it was an undoubtedly virtue, it contradicts the qualities necessary to succeed in the corporate world. I debunk this rule now.

The harsh reality of todays workplace and career management in general is that you cannot rely on others to keep a watchful eye over your career – they are too concerned with their own and after all you know yourself best and what you are good at. In today’s corporate market, competition is fierce, as people try to out do each other to get ahead. There are many techniques, but not every one is effective. Finding the right marketing technique to sell your skills is crucial. Survival is only for the fittest, ain’t it?

Most of us don’t put our best foot forward, out of a desire not to seem like braggarts. In the process, we look worse than we really are . . . and no one really cares. It’s one of those dreaded moments. Careers, relationships and opportunities languish as a result.

Here I am after spending 11 years in corporate world, still dreading having to brag. I came from the old school of thought – I waited for my hard work and results to get noticed…waited until my performance review to let my boss know why I am great at what I do…succumbed to the peer pressure against ‘kissing up to the boss’ – Who cares what they think? I should have put myself out there! Boom, appraisal declared and I was told what I should have done to achieve that extra 1 point to get closer to promotion. But, I was working what I should have done. All in vain. Now, I have to wait until next year…another  365 days to showcase my worthiness.

Lesson Learnt: Self-effacement will not get us where we need to go. One doesn’t want to be obnoxious, either, but we need to understand the essential differences.

So what is bragging? Or rather, when is bragging bragging and when is it taking advantage of opportunities?

As aptly said by an executive career coach, Loribeth Dalton, “The most qualified person never gets hired, the most qualified person never gets promoted. It is the person who can toot their own horn without blowing it that gets hired and promoted!” We should turn ourself into an interesting and relevant brief story for those you meet..at the right time and appropriate moment to make ourself outshine the competition. That doesn’t mean, however, that you do it all the time or that you do it at inappropriate times or places. You do it when it feels comfortable. You need to promote gracefully rather than just brag. Especially if your story is humorous or enlightening, it will be a fire way of being remembered by others.

I am slightly inhibited about self-promotion. It has held me back from being able to talk about myself and my accomplishments – skills that were/are critical to achieving most of my professional goals. Nobody like busting their butt and then being a scapegoat if things go bad, but if your work and ideas are incredible someone steps in and takes the credit. Nobody is going to prepare, market, sell, and promote you as well as you.

I have to overcome my hang-ups about talking about myself so I can promote my skills and accomplishments and achieve all of my professional goals. I need to learn how to capitalize on being myself while making the most of my accomplishments, to effectively throw a reference to one of my achievements into everyday conversations without sounding phony or unnatural, to brag in the 21st century when many people work virtually, face time is limited and technology is being put to use in new ways every day, learn to push the envelope, but you’ll also get to jump around and scream and shout a little.

Remember, “success is when preparation and luck come together”. Tooting is an important step of preparation. Back up your ‘style with substance’ – you could be an excellent self promoter, but if you don’t really pack the punch…you’ll be all washed up. You will be glad you did.

Related articles

• To Toot or Not to Toot (shadowrun300.wordpress.com)

Unfold the napkin!!

If we can set aside our expectations suddenly everything good that enters our life becomes a blessing. Hang on to our expectations and we can expect to be dissatisfied when they aren’t met, and unappreciative when they do come true – after all, we expected to get it and felt that we deserved it, so why should we appreciate it?

Most of our problems stem from dissatisfaction with situations that are perfectly acceptable, even though they fall short of our preferences. However, sometimes…our problems are simple, clear and to the point. But we are caught in a web of advices, solutions, empathy provided by people around us instead of dispensing common-sense advice or no advice at all.

The problem of course as with most ‘advice’ even when it’s the best in the world, is that it is far easier to give, than to take. When we look to others, or other “things,” we’re not solving our problems but only creating additional problems for ourselves. If what you’re looking for are solutions, then you’ve just found them.

One of the secrets to solve the problem is recognizing that everything has a price. And we must determine if we are willing to pay the price or let it go. Even a relationship has a price…so does not being in a relationship. Is there a place in our life where we are bemoaning the price we have had to pay?

We are actually obligated to be happy because it makes us better people…but this is not as easy as it sounds, in that it requires a continuing process of counting our blessings and giving up expectations that life is supposed to be wonderful…it will only happen when we take responsibility for our life rather than spend time blaming others.

There are so many problems that come up in life and few for the first time in my life. I had answers to things I should have done in the past but most importantly, things to do in the future. I know for a fact that through prayer and waiting, all things work out for good according to God’s plans. I have had times when I wondered why God would let this or that happen but in the end found out it has made me a much better, stronger, and prayerful person. I now put problems or questions in God’s hands and wait for answers while trying to find the solutions myself. HE never fails. I am not saying “dump all your problems on God”.  You may feel overburdened, but don’t throw in the towel just yet, my friend.

We are always too focused on our problems to remember what do we appreciate more, the gift we have demanded or the one we didn’t expect? Learn to unfold the napkin…

Communication Barriers – What say?

I’m not married, nor in a relationship. However, I often have couples around me, among family or friends or acquaintances, who are both so passionate and extreme, they fight to the extreme and love to the extreme. They have this conflicting ways of seeing things, and each other…where the husband and the wife look at talking about their relationship from vastly different perspectives. The wife believes that talking about the relationship is essential to its health. The husband would prefer to do anything but talk.

It is not a problem to be “solved” by making men more like women and women more like men. Men and women are simply different, not wrong, not right, just different. We just need to be conscious of exactly what the differences are and how to honor the differences (ofcourse, it is not easy).

Whoever said that “When people feel connected to each other, communication is not as significant.” – I do not completely agree. I am not advocating that “communication” is most important in maintaining a good relationship. However, gone are the days when love was diving in each other’s eyes, reading minds, holding hands and enjoying the smooth silence dance. I believe that often times, Love is an overhyped word. It’s become too elusive, an umbrella-term for a lot of goodness, but then again, also often the word that has been used to keep people in denial about their own needs and self-care. It’t just too loaded with baggage now. The meaning is no longer clear and specific to solve conflicts. It’s become that fuzzy non-word.

Sweet words of love, alone, does not sweep anyone off their feet…anymore. Now, to feel the feelings of love, it should be said loud (not in literal sense) and clear. But, one needs to step into the puddle of expressive communication to show their appreciation, commitment and love for each other, alongwith compassion and connection…’cos words hurt, words destroy, words can kill a relationship!!

Communication barriers, certainly, which I believe men and women have between each other is natural. It is a result of conditioning as a child. Boys are taught to suppress emotions while girls are rewarded for being emotional. Thus, there are the typical men that never listens, never wants to talk and just shuts yourself off and then there are the typical women chasing their men around the house trying to connect through words and emotions. Women “repair’ relationship breaches and problems by talking; for men talking makes then feel worse (physiologically — not emotionally or mentally). Since men feel worse when discussing problems and women feel better, how can both partners feel satisfied? Its a vicious cycle – what one has been trying to get through to another, why one felt the way they did, why partner responded the way they did…everything.

Sometimes instead of just having to deal with it or feel guilty about it afterwards, they would rather put their hand on a red-hot stove, so asking them to share their feelings. I don’t know if this would apply to those who grew up with parents throwing things at each other; they may want to believe words are more important.

Its easier said than done but a friend recently told me to think about what you say and do, before you say or do it. It helps to listen, really listen to what the other is saying and the feelings and fears behind the arguments that don’t get resolved. Seeing your partner from a different light is always helpful in understanding when a relationship becomes too bogged down with arguments or negative communication or stonewalling. Sometimes we say things that just don’t come out the way we want to say it.

There are no magic relationships, perfect people, just loving couples maintaining a healthy communication. Nothing is as (im)perfect as it seems after all. What say?!

Related articles

• 6 Ways Men and Women Communicate Differently (psychcentral.com)
• How To Keep A Relationship Working (britishcbtandcounsellingservice.wordpress.com)
• 5 tips when communicating with women (acordof3strands.wordpress.com)
• “The Quickest Way to a Man’s Heart Is Through His Chest”… Why Men and Women Can’t Communicate (wegotkidz.com)
• What Women Really Want in a Relationship (leggotunglei808.wordpress.com)

Exclusive space in a Relationship…!!

In my last blog, iSpace in a Relationship, I shared my views on how technology has created space in relationships. On the contrary, advancement in technology has, also, helped us bridge the communication gap and be more connected with everyone be it our family, friends or colleagues through myriad of options. However it has crunched our individual space…the exclusive time for ourself!!

Talking of space, especially, in a relationship always seems to send the wrong vibes that probably it is not working out? It might not be the case. Unless there is sort of disconnect between the two of you, there is nothing wrong in providing the adequate space to your partner…and having it yourself too.

Space is significantly beneficial for any relationship. Of course, not so much so as to become neglectful or simply drift apart from your partner. If there’s more space than not, would it really be called a relationship?

Psychologist Su  parna Das correctly explicates, “Giving space in a relationship means allowing your partner to think, feel and act as they want to as an individual. It is allowing the ‘you’ and the ‘me’ to co-exist with the ‘us’.”. Its time-out for oneself. Don’t cling to each other all the time. Feel connected by communicating with each other for some time. If you and your partner have different need for space, talk to each other and I firmly believe that ‘there is always a ‘middle path’.”

“Your partner love you so much to get away from you sometime” ~ Jay in an episode of ‘My Wife and Kids’.

Remember: Don’t occupy a space in someone’s life that can’t easily be filled in your absence. That can apply to anything from renting a place together that one can’t afford alone or being only good girl-friend. Model independence by giving advice only when asked and saving heroic intervention for emergencies.

A little less Yin for a lot more Yang

Nature understands no jesting; she is always true, always serious, always severe; she is always right, and the errors and faults are always those of man. The man incapable of appreciating her, she despises and only to the apt, the pure, and the true, does she resign herself and reveal her secrets. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Ladies, we’re smart and successful in all aspects of our lives…well, except finding and keeping our knight in shining armor. Makes me wonder, are most clever career/intellectual single women emotionally autistic? With my intelligence wondering, why was/am I unable to attract the kind of men I want to date or to say “I Do”?

Self-realization tells me that I assumed guys would like my easy-going and self-reliant attitude. That is so wrong!! It just makes them think of me as one of the guys. They love watching games with me, going for concerts/movies/music shows, volunteering acts and talking about their girlfriend/dating problems with me. However, they never seem to want to date me (not that I want to date my male friends but dropping a hint that they would, would have given me the needed kick ).

I started observing women around me…friends who never had a vacuum in their relationship pattern. And I realized that I just needed to tweak a little of myself!

What I did - now, I have started wearing dresses (I didn’t much before because I didn’t like my thin legs) with right accessories and trying to my hair grow longer (so that I can make sexy hairdos). That certainly made me feel more feminine and the responses were immediate. I even let a male acquaintance order and pay my meal for me a very nice restaurant. Uhmm…truth is that I was very tired. I simply folded the menu and said, “I’m tired of making decisions today, could you please order for us?” He loved it. He told me a little later how much he loved that. He said he was really surprised by that because he always knew me as i-pay-for-myself-kind of girl. Who knew? I didn’t want to feel bad about how much money he was spending and didn’t want to analyze it to death.

You can get so much more than you expect if you’re willing to lay down your armor and be a teeny bit vulnerable. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t being a pushover or a chump – I was always protecting myself, my body and mind. And not only is it vital to understand my emotional needs, but I also need to be savvy about *who* I choose. That’s the key – the “being savvy” part. No more chasing after some dork who won’t commit, and no more wondering how to get who is right for me. Now I want to make my love life effortless! I am not looking for someone who looks good on a profile resume, but someone who provides real fulfillment in the form of great conversation, caring gestures and support. As Dr. Ali Binazir aptly says “fulfillment is a feeling, not a person.”

I have understood how important it is to be myself and that being authentic is so much more attractive. After all, every great relationship starts by being happy who you are outside of one…happiness comes from within…other people add to it and not make it.

I love who I am and no matter my eventual fate, I will always have myself to fall back on. Having a relationship doesn’t make me who I am. I wish to empower the Goddess within me. I don’t hide who I am, I am just learning to mellow out and allow myself to be soft and female. I am learning to love a man’s masculine charisma and relish how it compliments my feminine.

I know for fact mean, when I tweak myself for better, I attract better…whether that’s relationships, peace, work or money. Right?!