Slow Down Mummy!!

Sometimes you read beautiful lines which not only makes your reminisce the best days of our growing years, but also appreciate what you have been blessed with – Mom! And the following poem is a reminder to her…I wish I could have told her when I was growing up.

Slow down mummy, there is no need to rush,
Slow down mummy, what is all the  fuss?
Slow down mummy, make yourself a cup tea.
Slow down mummy, come spend some time with me.

Slow down mummy, let’s pull boots on for a walk,
Let’s kick at piles of leaves, and smile and laugh and talk.
Slow down mummy, you look ever so tired,
Come sit and snuggle under the duvet, and rest with me a while.

Slow down mummy, those dirty dishes can wait,
Slow down mummy, let’s have some fun – bake a cake!
Slow down mummy, I know you work a lot,
But sometimes mummy, it’s nice when you just stop.

Sit with us a minute,
And listen to our day,
Spend a cherished moment,
Because our childhood won’t stay!

- Rebekah Knight

As a daughter who is staying miles away from her..I would want to express similar feelings (by replacing few words) therefore Rebekah, with due respect to your beautiful poem, I want to remind myself and all the daughters in the world:

Slow down daughter, there is no need to rush,
Slow down daughter, what is all the  fuss?
Slow down daughter, make yourself a cup tea.
Slow down daughter, go spend some time with your mother.

Slow down daughter, let’s pull boots on for a walk,
Let’s kick at piles of leaves, and smile and laugh and talk.
Slow down daughter, you look ever so tired,
Come sit and snuggle under the duvet, and rest with your mother for a while.

Slow down daughter, those work emails can wait,
Slow down daughter, let’s have some fun – bake a cake with your mother!
Slow down daughter, I know you work a lot,
But sometimes daughter, it’s nice when you just have a long call with your mother.

Sit with your mother a minute,
And listen to her day,
Spend a cherished moment,
Because these days won’t stay!

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom…

and to all the wonderful mothers in the world!!

Infidelity…!!!

“I never saw the signs, at least if I did, I denied they were there. I just thought they were friends. After I found out and confronted him, he confirmed what I heard.“

Husband of one of my close friend cheated her with another woman. Everyone “thought” they knew…but she did not, although they were having trouble. For her spouse, deep regret, shame, remorse, and humiliation set in. For her, anger, grief, disbelief, and an ‘avalanche of losses’, including the sweet memories of our marriage ceremony……gone.

While not a bad marriage, I wouldn’t call their marriage good either. It ceratinly isn’t what I want in a marriage. Some where along the way, they stopped really communicating and meeting each other’s emotional needs…though she never stopped loving my husband, and hasn’t still. “Did I nag too much? Did I do something wrong?” are the constant topics which she speculates often to gauge the reason behind the mistake which her husband made. She lingers on all the reasons he might have had an affair – the circumstances that created it, what’s missing inside her and in their relationship, etc.

Being an independent female, I wonder what makes her stay in a relationship and still wishing to be together until the end. Yes, she does BUT because they have a child together. Is that a bog enough reason to make yourself suffer and re-living the moments of betrayal each day. No matter what the betrayal, it can gradually erode the relationship. She confesses that it’s not the betrayal by itself that caused most of the damage. It’s the poor way he handled the aftermath. My friend believes in handling betrayal is more important than the betrayal itself.

She is drowning in grief, engulfed in a sadness and emptiness I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. He has no regrets for his actions, but plenty of regrets to the reactions of being found out.

It is believed that 70% of all marriages are touched by infidelity. Therapists have rated it one of the most common and devastating problems faced by their patients. They believes that sometimes, it takes this kind of life-changing event for couples to determine the real value of their marriage. It often becomes a catalyst for important and permanent changes – both in the relationship and for every person involved.

I understand that betrayals happen only after a spouse has been trying and trying to reach the other spouse who is unable or unwilling to be empathetic or nurturing. I am a big advocate of trying to fix relationships. But Infidelity of any sorts is out of question for me. Restoring trust in relationships after betrayal takes serious work- honesty, transparency and building a new foundation.

Seeing my friend struggling to keep her marriage alive and pretending to be happy so that her son respects his father as an ideal one, she gives me hope that there is a marital future after an infidelity. I don’t know how to deal with trust issues in a relationship, let alone find the courage to begin the process of forgiveness. Because for me that would be an exit from a relationship. Nothing can chart a new path — the path of trust.

Daddy, you can let go…

Guess the only song which can make my eyes wet each time I hear it..!!

Guatemalan Worry Dolls

According to legend, if you tell your worries to one of Guatemalan worry dolls before bed and sleep with it under your pillow, the doll will relieve you of your worries while you sleep. Tell these dolls your secret wishes. Tell them your problems. Tell them your dreams. And when you awake, you may find the magic within you to make your dreams come true. Obviously, this was mainly a children’s thing to do, and some health care practitioners still use this treatment to help children deal with illness and other troubles. What a beautiful bit of lore with wonderful effects!

I do not own a Guatemalan worry doll but I do have circle of friends who act the same. Few I meet every other day to take a 30-min walk together and vent out our worries (productive and unproductive) while few are out there in the virtual world. It doesn’t always work but I am not always looking for a solution to my worry. But there’s something deeply soothing about saying your worries out loud and leave it there. The physical act of putting the proverbial “lid on it” really does help. If not to a friend, you can blog about it…thats how I entered into blog-o-sphere few months back.

Hope each of us have found their Guatemalan-way for dealing with their worries

Two to Tango!!

Some believe that men and women basically use different parts of their brains. Often heard are: “The left brain thinks, the right brain feels.” “The left brain analyzes, the right brain intuits.” “The left brain is logical, the right brain is emotional.” Likely, our thinking, feeling, and loving are more complex than these simple statements; yet, at least on occasion (likely more often) men and women think and feel differently and express themselves differently.

Most couples get married when they still have the euphoric feelings of being in love. When these euphoric feelings evaporate some time after marriage and differences begin to emerge, they often find themselves in conflict. With no positive plan for resolving conflicts, they often find themselves speaking harshly to each other. Harsh words create feelings of hurt, disappointment and anger.

We claim to have put in much effort to make the other feel loved yet ironically, we have felt under-loved and under-appreciated by our partner. When our relationship is in crisis, common sense goes out the window and we start trying crazy things to solve the problem or you can’t even TRY to solve it at all and it spirals out of control. The problem is most people love how they want to be loved, and that doesn’t tend to align with how their partner wants to be loved. We don’t really understand what our partner needs because it is SO DIFFERENT from what each of us need. We don’t realize how much our actions or lack of actions affects the other person. Our expression of love is more of a matter of personal preference and sometimes the right words to express something elude us – different individuals will respond differently to each of them.

Love is hard work. It is no rocket-science however we are unable to figure out the simplicity of a relationship’s health or broken-ness until it ends. As we know, love is more than a feeling…love is what you do, which is why we’re so confused by the whole thing.

People like myself are lunk-headed who see that love is beyond roses and chocolates. In reality, we need to know other’s person want of expression in order for the love cup to be filled. Gifts, Words, Service, Touch, Attention… everyone gives and receives love differently. In the beginning of a relationship…everything is hot and heavy…and you are just happy that someone is into you. But as time marches on, the love you give can fall on deaf ears…. And then all of a sudden you don’t feel appreciated and the cycle of a relationship ending looms overhead. It’s because you keep loving the other person the way that you feel loved rather than the way they feel loved. It’s not easy to change the way you love someone… but it is all about speaking the other person’s language.

One of best ways to tell someone “I Love You” is to say “I love you just the way you are.” Love is what you do, not only an emotion, which is why we’re so confused by the whole thing. The principle here is if you want to be accepted in any relationship you should give your acceptance first. How many of us really want someone to relentlessly badger us to change this or change that about ourselves. Change in itself can be difficult, but that is another subject to consider.

In ballroom dancing it has been said that “it takes two to tango,” and “it takes one to lead.” I have learned from many others, a successful, lasting, and happy relationship involves two great forgivers and apologizers. I have found that those who never or almost never say “I’m sorry” have difficulties with their working and personal relationships.

A good question to ask yourself at the beginning of each day: “What will I do today that shows I both love and respect people around me?” TIP: While certainly one positive act or action daily is a good start, many are even better and will bring more benefits.

Toast to Girlfriends…!!

We might wonder today just how many friendships have been “forgot.” It’s not necessary to detail the reasons for this – fast paced society, miles of separation, ad infinitum. Of course, in this respect, we’re thinking of old friends.

What is a good friend? I think we all know when we have one (but why can’t we ever figure out the ones that just don’t seem to be quite right?). Making new friends is tough — and maintaining them can be even tougher. One of the quotes by Aristotle “Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit.” is good advice in today’s modern, immediate gratification world.

Post college, early-20s friendships started changing and evolving as we all dealt with major life changes : demanding jobs, moves, marriage, babies, etc. We navigated friendships as these changes occur as well as evaluated friendships to see if they’re actually adding positive value to
our life. Afterall, seeking out quality friendships is another important way of taking care of ourself. I have had a lot of guilt about letting go of friendships past their prime but I have understood that it is healthy to acknowledge the good that happened, but still be able to move on.

Our girlfriends… what would we ever do without them? I am a girlfriend and fortunately, God has blessed me with some fabulous girlfriends. Those special women who know you better than you know yourself. We laugh over the good, bad, ugly, ridiculous and bizarre times we have had. We relive the friendship world which was relatively drama free and void of bridezillas…incidents like the art of reading ads and then we contemplate washing our face with diamond dust (it exfoliates the skin – but wash it off or your “face will be sparkly”), views on finances, food, pets vs. men and lessons learned from Archie comic books. We see a new perspective in the smallest things. Having old girlfriends really warms your heart as you travel back in time to good memories with friends that stick with you. Old jokes bring new smiles.

To all my girlfriends, few of who were friends for a lifetime while others for a short time, this goes out for you – “It can sometimes seem…that we’re on the lookout for perfect people. But if you think about it, if we picked only perfect people as friends, who’d be picking us?”

Friendships span the whole relationship gamut and it is nice to know that there are some dos and don’ts that make sense and make life make more sense whether they are Best Friends Forever or Bearable Frenemies For Now.

Few quotes which will melt your heart:

• “The friend who holds your hand and says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one who stays away” (Barbara Kingsolver)
• ‘Best friends can practically speak with their eyes just a knowing glance speaks a thousand words’ (John Sage)
• “Girlfriends share two ageless elixirs: We laugh until we cry, and we cry until we laugh. Either one heals us from the inside out.” (Bonnie Louise Kuchler)
• “A day without a friend is like a pot without a single drop of honey left inside” (A.A. Milne).
• “If we can keep each other laughing, we can keep each other sane.”

Happy Friendship Day!!*

*To all my friends (boys and girls) – far or near or met in virtual world…

Saying Goodbye to my four-legged angel (RIP)

It seems just yesterday when I brought her home all of 2 months, a black bundle of joy who was so restless away from her mother but very soon found the warmth under my other dog Bruno’s neck..all snuggled up and sleeping like a baby to much annoyance of Bruno, ofcourse. Once I moved to a different city for work, she moved in with me. Oh, she was a sweetheart to come back home to. I never really had to train her for anything. She adjusted well with my work hours during weekdays and ensured that I give her enough attention over the weekends. She was my +1 in all the friendly parties. She was taken care of by my friends if I had to travel for work. Ah, she was every one’s darling.

She enjoyed dog food as much as she enjoyed tomatoes. She was possessive of her ball and loved fielding on the ground. She was a terror for outsiders but a warm cuddly one for the insiders. She always knew when anyone in the house was not well and would keep an eye on him/her. She was naughty as a brat but with kids, she would let them have the liberty to be naughty with her. She knew she was not allowed to sit on the bed or couch but she also knew that she owns the privilege to sit on the same place where I sit. And no one dare to walk into my room even after knocking on door until I mumble a Yes or else, apart from mother, others have been pounced upon. She would slather you with her love every time she would see you, bark for attention, eat food when its my dinnertime, snuggle up for the exact same spot on bed which is warm in winter and gets more cool air during summers. Her unconditional love could be seen in her eyes. When something was botherting me, I could see worry in her eyes. She was addictive hence her name “Whisky”.

Whisky (16-May-1996 to 28-Jul-2012)

On Saturday (28-Jul-12), my beloved four-legged angel, Whisky, left me to be in Heaven after sharing my life for more than 16 years. Certain religion generally teaches that animals do not go to heaven and, when they die, that’s the end for them. But, I know that she will be waiting in Heaven to greet me when I pass into her world and until that day, I will love my little angel and keep her memory alive in my heart and in my heart she will stay.

I just cannot imagine life without her. I never knew that something so small could weigh so much in your heart and totally captivate your world. I now understand that we only have those precious little creatures for a season. My heart which is empty is now filling up with memories of my angel. I have lost a very precious piece of me.

RIP Whisky, you have gone on ahead. I will catch up to you later.

Woof Woof Woof

The driving force for today’s post is a heart-warming post from my blogger friend who reminded me of my adorable tubby-rub-alicious dogs who touch my heart with their fond memories.

Last year when I visited my cousin in UK, I met my cousin’s Sally – an adorable three-legged doggie. My cousin volunteers at an animal shelter. I have heard what being in a shelter can do to a dog or how dogs that are shifted around can “act up.” They just need someone to show them love and give them guidance. They don’t have that trust factor that goes along with getting adopted at a younger age. Sally was brought in with one of her hind leg broken — as  her leg was tied to a fence with a steel chain by her ruthless owners. My cousin felt some bond instantly when she saw Sally and she decided to adopt her. Her leg was amputated and now she is a happy doggie who has loves playing football with my cousins…and she fits in the family just like a piece of puzzle.

Then there is Whisky (my little miracle)…well, she is unique just like every doggie yet a little different. She is on her own schedule, her own march through life, and in her own world. She makes sure she lets us know she will be the “back up” if we need help fighting spiders and any intruders that might try to break in. She will sit on my lap or lay on my paper/book when I am trying to read. The sterile environment of a vet’s office makes her run in the opposite direction and its takes three to tango..err…to hold her while her doctor does her routine checkup. What appears to be madness however, may just be youthful enthusiasm for life and above average intelligence, only Whisky knows for certain. It’s an adventure in discovering what makes her tick. While still retaining her sense of fun, Whisky became disciplined enough to handle a move to a different city to live with my parents (due to my overseas travel) and bonded well with two other dogs who lived with my parents, Bruno and Champagne.

In my relationship with her , there is this essential intertwining of souls that exists in no other relationship. She is my “doggie soul-mate”. It makes me think about the role we play in our pets’ lives, for good and for bad. She taught me that a big hug, her favorite treat and a good long belly rub is all it takes to be happy, and often we (humans) forget to look beyond this while wishing for happiness.

At times when I feel low, sometime with her toy ball (gripped tightly in her mouth) and sometimes with a look, as if to say ‘I understand and am here for you’. Maybe it was the moment. Whatever it was, it was perfect..and it still is…everytime!!

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If you are a sucker for movies, watch Hachiko. Caution: Keep a Kleenex box handy and to know the storyline read further on.

There is a statue of a dog in the Shibuya train station in Tokyo. It was first set in place in 1934 to commemorate the loyalty and devotion of an Akita who waited for his master for ten years. The master was a university teacher, who died unexpectedly at work. It was the Akita’s habit to wait for his master’s return from work then walk home together. Because he could not understand why his master did not return, he faithfully waited until he died in his place at the station, where the statue was erected in his honor. This is the brief narration of a true story. He becomes a symbol of the devoted, loyal dog, man’s best friend.

Communication Barriers – What say?

I’m not married, nor in a relationship. However, I often have couples around me, among family or friends or acquaintances, who are both so passionate and extreme, they fight to the extreme and love to the extreme. They have this conflicting ways of seeing things, and each other…where the husband and the wife look at talking about their relationship from vastly different perspectives. The wife believes that talking about the relationship is essential to its health. The husband would prefer to do anything but talk.

It is not a problem to be “solved” by making men more like women and women more like men. Men and women are simply different, not wrong, not right, just different. We just need to be conscious of exactly what the differences are and how to honor the differences (ofcourse, it is not easy).

Whoever said that “When people feel connected to each other, communication is not as significant.” – I do not completely agree. I am not advocating that “communication” is most important in maintaining a good relationship. However, gone are the days when love was diving in each other’s eyes, reading minds, holding hands and enjoying the smooth silence dance. I believe that often times, Love is an overhyped word. It’s become too elusive, an umbrella-term for a lot of goodness, but then again, also often the word that has been used to keep people in denial about their own needs and self-care. It’t just too loaded with baggage now. The meaning is no longer clear and specific to solve conflicts. It’s become that fuzzy non-word.

Sweet words of love, alone, does not sweep anyone off their feet…anymore. Now, to feel the feelings of love, it should be said loud (not in literal sense) and clear. But, one needs to step into the puddle of expressive communication to show their appreciation, commitment and love for each other, alongwith compassion and connection…’cos words hurt, words destroy, words can kill a relationship!!

Communication barriers, certainly, which I believe men and women have between each other is natural. It is a result of conditioning as a child. Boys are taught to suppress emotions while girls are rewarded for being emotional. Thus, there are the typical men that never listens, never wants to talk and just shuts yourself off and then there are the typical women chasing their men around the house trying to connect through words and emotions. Women “repair’ relationship breaches and problems by talking; for men talking makes then feel worse (physiologically — not emotionally or mentally). Since men feel worse when discussing problems and women feel better, how can both partners feel satisfied? Its a vicious cycle – what one has been trying to get through to another, why one felt the way they did, why partner responded the way they did…everything.

Sometimes instead of just having to deal with it or feel guilty about it afterwards, they would rather put their hand on a red-hot stove, so asking them to share their feelings. I don’t know if this would apply to those who grew up with parents throwing things at each other; they may want to believe words are more important.

Its easier said than done but a friend recently told me to think about what you say and do, before you say or do it. It helps to listen, really listen to what the other is saying and the feelings and fears behind the arguments that don’t get resolved. Seeing your partner from a different light is always helpful in understanding when a relationship becomes too bogged down with arguments or negative communication or stonewalling. Sometimes we say things that just don’t come out the way we want to say it.

There are no magic relationships, perfect people, just loving couples maintaining a healthy communication. Nothing is as (im)perfect as it seems after all. What say?!

Related articles

• 6 Ways Men and Women Communicate Differently (psychcentral.com)
• How To Keep A Relationship Working (britishcbtandcounsellingservice.wordpress.com)
• 5 tips when communicating with women (acordof3strands.wordpress.com)
• “The Quickest Way to a Man’s Heart Is Through His Chest”… Why Men and Women Can’t Communicate (wegotkidz.com)
• What Women Really Want in a Relationship (leggotunglei808.wordpress.com)

Exclusive space in a Relationship…!!

In my last blog, iSpace in a Relationship, I shared my views on how technology has created space in relationships. On the contrary, advancement in technology has, also, helped us bridge the communication gap and be more connected with everyone be it our family, friends or colleagues through myriad of options. However it has crunched our individual space…the exclusive time for ourself!!

Talking of space, especially, in a relationship always seems to send the wrong vibes that probably it is not working out? It might not be the case. Unless there is sort of disconnect between the two of you, there is nothing wrong in providing the adequate space to your partner…and having it yourself too.

Space is significantly beneficial for any relationship. Of course, not so much so as to become neglectful or simply drift apart from your partner. If there’s more space than not, would it really be called a relationship?

Psychologist Su  parna Das correctly explicates, “Giving space in a relationship means allowing your partner to think, feel and act as they want to as an individual. It is allowing the ‘you’ and the ‘me’ to co-exist with the ‘us’.”. Its time-out for oneself. Don’t cling to each other all the time. Feel connected by communicating with each other for some time. If you and your partner have different need for space, talk to each other and I firmly believe that ‘there is always a ‘middle path’.”

“Your partner love you so much to get away from you sometime” ~ Jay in an episode of ‘My Wife and Kids’.

Remember: Don’t occupy a space in someone’s life that can’t easily be filled in your absence. That can apply to anything from renting a place together that one can’t afford alone or being only good girl-friend. Model independence by giving advice only when asked and saving heroic intervention for emergencies.