I’m not married, nor in a relationship. However, I often have couples around me, among family or friends or acquaintances, who are both so passionate and extreme, they fight to the extreme and love to the extreme. They have this conflicting ways of seeing things, and each other…where the husband and the wife look at talking about their relationship from vastly different perspectives. The wife believes that talking about the relationship is essential to its health. The husband would prefer to do anything but talk.
It is not a problem to be “solved” by making men more like women and women more like men. Men and women are simply different, not wrong, not right, just different. We just need to be conscious of exactly what the differences are and how to honor the differences (ofcourse, it is not easy).
Whoever said that “When people feel connected to each other, communication is not as significant.” – I do not completely agree. I am not advocating that “communication” is most important in maintaining a good relationship. However, gone are the days when love was diving in each other’s eyes, reading minds, holding hands and enjoying the smooth silence dance. I believe that often times, Love is an overhyped word. It’s become too elusive, an umbrella-term for a lot of goodness, but then again, also often the word that has been used to keep people in denial about their own needs and self-care. It’t just too loaded with baggage now. The meaning is no longer clear and specific to solve conflicts. It’s become that fuzzy non-word.
Sweet words of love, alone, does not sweep anyone off their feet…anymore. Now, to feel the feelings of love, it should be said loud (not in literal sense) and clear. But, one needs to step into the puddle of expressive communication to show their appreciation, commitment and love for each other, alongwith compassion and connection…’cos words hurt, words destroy, words can kill a relationship!!
Communication barriers, certainly, which I believe men and women have between each other is natural. It is a result of conditioning as a child. Boys are taught to suppress emotions while girls are rewarded for being emotional. Thus, there are the typical men that never listens, never wants to talk and just shuts yourself off and then there are the typical women chasing their men around the house trying to connect through words and emotions. Women “repair’ relationship breaches and problems by talking; for men talking makes then feel worse (physiologically — not emotionally or mentally). Since men feel worse when discussing problems and women feel better, how can both partners feel satisfied? Its a vicious cycle – what one has been trying to get through to another, why one felt the way they did, why partner responded the way they did…everything.
Sometimes instead of just having to deal with it or feel guilty about it afterwards, they would rather put their hand on a red-hot stove, so asking them to share their feelings. I don’t know if this would apply to those who grew up with parents throwing things at each other; they may want to believe words are more important.
Its easier said than done but a friend recently told me to think about what you say and do, before you say or do it. It helps to listen, really listen to what the other is saying and the feelings and fears behind the arguments that don’t get resolved. Seeing your partner from a different light is always helpful in understanding when a relationship becomes too bogged down with arguments or negative communication or stonewalling. Sometimes we say things that just don’t come out the way we want to say it.
There are no magic relationships, perfect people, just loving couples maintaining a healthy communication. Nothing is as (im)perfect as it seems after all. What say?!
- 6 Ways Men and Women Communicate Differently (psychcentral.com)
- How To Keep A Relationship Working (britishcbtandcounsellingservice.wordpress.com)
- 5 tips when communicating with women (acordof3strands.wordpress.com)
- “The Quickest Way to a Man’s Heart Is Through His Chest”… Why Men and Women Can’t Communicate (wegotkidz.com)
- What Women Really Want in a Relationship (leggotunglei808.wordpress.com)