Glasses of Gender

Couple of my married girlfriends have been told during their hiring process of their job interview that as woman they might probably need time for maternity leave or if they have children, they might need time to take care of their emotional needs and others. More to the point, in a very different conversation, the same employer told them that women are more committed and more dedicated to their jobs. Argghh!! What is the discussion point, you might wonder…

Having a family *does* put a huge damper on a woman’s ability to progress in her career and it has a direct impact on everything from salary to responsibilities. Few of my married girlfriends/colleagues, I am afraid, have accepted less salary just to get the opportunity. They didn’t feel like they had to do that, but at that point they just wanted to so be back in the game without feeling that they have completely sacrificed their career. Make sense…!!

There is an underlying assumption that men work to support their families and in contrast, women, especially married women, are often viewed as working for the sake of working or for “extra” money. The idea that a woman is not financially independent and simply working for “extra” money is ludicrous. Looking into history, tribal women who were the primary providers. The way people live their lives hasn’t changed that much, but it is time for “the powers that be” to adapt and start treating people as individuals, rather than representations of their gender. On contrary, a break in career on a woman’s resume for wanting some time away for her kids is accepted without speculation, while for a man this seems difficult to explain on his resume.

Before we can change the mindset of society, we have to change our mindset first as we form the society. Women, in most cases consider themselves secondary income earners. To some degree women, even as entrepreneurs, don’t focus on growing revenue if they have a partner that makes the largest income. Let’s face it we will always be the primary care takers, as long as that is the case. However, we must realize it’s OUR choice and not the man’s fault.

Not all women put salary or climbing the corporate/business ladder as a top priority. For most women it’s ‘family first’ so they are prepared to trade-off the top jobs and salaries for their family (I might do so too). However, in heart, most of us want job flexibility with reduced hours and to get that, we might have to take the status and financial hit! Frankly speaking, women choose to prioritize life outside of work ahead of career frequently whereas men prioritize career ahead of personal life. Do both have trade-offs? Absolutely and sometimes that equates to less pay, career setbacks or missing growing years of their child. Many of my friends were sad when they heard from day-care that their child took their first-step while they were struggling to work their ass off at work. Not worth it, is what your heart tells you until your mind over-powers you reminding you of your mortgage.

It will be great if we remove the invisible “glasses of gender” from our eyes. Equality has to be accepted for both genders to see the changes we keep saying we want in society. The balance of family and work needs to be negotiated with your life partner and your compensation with your employer.

…in the time of Internet!!

It’s undisputed that technology has shaped the world today. From the simplex variety that secretly runs the world, to the one that decides which of our friends’ status updates we see, movies to watch, and products to buy, algorithms increasingly govern our behaviors and choices. Nowhere is this truer than the world of match-making. The widespread acceptance of online services developed over many years thanks largely to the widespread adoption of the internet in all areas of life.

The indian traditional way was (or rather still is prevalent) that a community, vis-à-vis, through religion, the neighborhood, or friends, single individuals were selected for introduction. From personal ads in newspapers to online dating, there has been a stigma in using these ‘services’ still in Modern India. This stigma on people feeling that they can not meet someone in a traditional sense but the use of technology is seen inferior or less prestigious. While internet enabled smart people to launch business that relied on technology to match people for matrimonial or dates, they have been incapable of creating cultural change that would remove the stigma from this form of services.

In other countries, single adults participate in web-based dating sites, however, dating sites in India is still in a nascent stage. On the other hand, matrimonial sites/services are in abundant who claim to have helped people find their soulmate. Besides eligible bachelors, one will find their parents, friends or other relatives are actively doing match-making, as it is a convenient and accessible option.

In the world of singles, the traditional model of finding your partner is to meet a quality person with an open mind. This will result in meeting like-minded individuals that may be potential partners. However, technology has replaced the way that courtships occur today. The rise of technology while creating more interconnectedness has resulted in less of a traditional way of meeting.

Despite being part of tech-savy generation, how this fascinating, bizarre, totally unexplained, exploding technology fits into this traditional methods of match-making, is beyond me. These matrimonial websites might use more of a sorting mechanism, but like in real life, there is no real way of knowing if a match will work. The successful results are difficult to replicate. However, once a person decides to use these services, they are more open to making the potential encounter work. It seems that technology will not replace the “gut” feeling that occurs when two people meet.

Just like the real world, online dating is a place to find people. It works maybe because so many people are not able to meet people in their immediate spheres of day by day life. It CAN be a useful tool along with face-to-face meetings. I know several people who have meet their spouse on the internet and a couple more who are in long(ish) term relations with internet dating sites to thank for.

While technology has changed the method of making the first encounter, the `making it work’ aspect still depends on the individuals. It is the relationship that counts and that chemistry happens only through complex human interaction!!

3 Secrets…

A great reminder for us (not only for graduates) who easily get lost in the rat race…that we stop learning!!

Cutting For Stone

I am a the type of reader who loves when an author takes me somewhere I have never been before and, while there, teaches me things I have never known. When they are able to do this teaching without preaching, it is an extra added bonus. It takes a little while–you need to have a little patience as it introduces the numerous main and supporting characters, the place, and the twines of the story. You are fastened. Momentum increases and you are completely absorbed. You know how some novels just possess you? Well, this book kept me captive in my own home for a weekend…

Cutting for Stone is a beautifully written coming-of-age novel weaving family, hospital and house staff, patients, community, disease, and country into a complex tapestry. It incorporates love, lust, trust, betrayal, commitment, emigration, faith, poverty, life, death, hope, dreams, fears, and just about every other big theme you can imagine without ever becoming predictable, manipulative, or cliched. It’s an epic story that feels intimate and cozy and enveloping.

Dr. Verghese clearly loves his own medical craft as well as writing. He handles his characters with utter compassion, never shrinking away from the truth of their dysfunction or destructiveness, yet bringing us along for the glory of their triumph. The best part of the novel was the genuine humanity of its many characters, and the course of their lives.

While reading you will also notice the fine points are painstakingly researched as the story is and packed full of medical jargon and situations along with vivid descriptions of Ethiopian culture and history. I have never been to Ethiopia and I know I never will. When I think of Ethiopia, I have visions of a totally undeveloped country. While I’m sure these visions are partially true, Verghese really opened my eyes to another part of the world in a country where medical teams still strive for perfection without the kind of money that easily flows into many of the hospitals of which we’re familiar. Verghese’s Ethiopia is filled with people who love their country and their food and their smells and their customs. And when a time comes that they leave their beloved country behind, they miss it as much as we would miss ours. There are multiple situations that arise throughout the book where he describes surgical procedures with spot-on accuracy, I assume. In several circumstances they become a vehicle to explain the progress of surgery through the hands of medical pioneers.

The title of the novel Cutting for Stone is a reference to the Hippocratic Oath which states “I will not cut for stone, even for patients in whom the disease is manifest; I will leave this operation to be performed by practitioners, specialists in this art.”. Apparently years ago when people had bladder stones, there were medical professionals called Lithologists, who would cut into the bladder to remove the stone. Of course because of poor hygiene and using the same, unclean knife on multiple patients, many of the patients would succumb to infection. Also of interest is that the three main characters all have the surname, Stone, which sort of leaves the title open for multiple interpretations. By the time you get to the end of the novel, those three words become the poignant portal to the denouement and the thrust of its theme.

If I say too much about this book, I’ll have to throw in a lot of spoilers, and suspense has its delicious rewards in this leisurely paced plot. So I won’t. Suffice it to say, I believe your patience with Verghese will be rewarded with the wisdom you will find woven into the story. It is a brilliant novel which revolves around what is broken – limbs, family ties, trust – and the process of rebuilding them.

Allow yourself the luxury of time to read “Cutting for Stone” without interruption. If you do not, you will find yourself thinking about the
characters and wondering what is going to happen to each one.

P.S. I must say that I found reading this 650 page novel a bit of a chore. It most certainly could have used some heavy editing. Time and again I would look at the page number, and groan.

Slow Down Mummy!!

Sometimes you read beautiful lines which not only makes your reminisce the best days of our growing years, but also appreciate what you have been blessed with – Mom! And the following poem is a reminder to her…I wish I could have told her when I was growing up.

Slow down mummy, there is no need to rush,
Slow down mummy, what is all the  fuss?
Slow down mummy, make yourself a cup tea.
Slow down mummy, come spend some time with me.

Slow down mummy, let’s pull boots on for a walk,
Let’s kick at piles of leaves, and smile and laugh and talk.
Slow down mummy, you look ever so tired,
Come sit and snuggle under the duvet, and rest with me a while.

Slow down mummy, those dirty dishes can wait,
Slow down mummy, let’s have some fun – bake a cake!
Slow down mummy, I know you work a lot,
But sometimes mummy, it’s nice when you just stop.

Sit with us a minute,
And listen to our day,
Spend a cherished moment,
Because our childhood won’t stay!

- Rebekah Knight

As a daughter who is staying miles away from her..I would want to express similar feelings (by replacing few words) therefore Rebekah, with due respect to your beautiful poem, I want to remind myself and all the daughters in the world:

Slow down daughter, there is no need to rush,
Slow down daughter, what is all the  fuss?
Slow down daughter, make yourself a cup tea.
Slow down daughter, go spend some time with your mother.

Slow down daughter, let’s pull boots on for a walk,
Let’s kick at piles of leaves, and smile and laugh and talk.
Slow down daughter, you look ever so tired,
Come sit and snuggle under the duvet, and rest with your mother for a while.

Slow down daughter, those work emails can wait,
Slow down daughter, let’s have some fun – bake a cake with your mother!
Slow down daughter, I know you work a lot,
But sometimes daughter, it’s nice when you just have a long call with your mother.

Sit with your mother a minute,
And listen to her day,
Spend a cherished moment,
Because these days won’t stay!

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom…

and to all the wonderful mothers in the world!!

Brown Penny

An enchanting poem…

I had never heard this poem until recently when I watched “Must Loved Dogs” movie.  These beautiful lines can be interpreted in various ways but the center point is LOVE.  Flipping a penny is like taking a chancedepicts all the uncertainities which it holds for each person.  Today, love is perhaps a more transient thing, experienced easily and quickly abandoned if it fails. Nonetheless, no matter what the odds of finding love, we attempt to it, time and again.

Everyday Love (Drawings by Nidhi Chanani)

As soon as i stumbled upon everydayloveart.com, I was lost in a fascinating world of story-telling. Each illustration – no arbid doodles, are simple yet speaks a story by themselves. Inspirations drawn from her life, experiences, relationships and world surrounding her…she makes everything so colorful and beautiful. Take a moment to visit her website and explore her drawings. Sip chai (hot cup of tea) as you will be a while out there.

All images by Nidhi Chanani, everydayloveart.com

**Being a storyteller by using her drawings**

Maybe…

1. Maybe…we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
2. Maybe…when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don’t even see the new one which has been opened for us.
3. Maybe…it is true that we don’t know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don’t know what we have been missing until it arrives.
4. Maybe…the happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
5. Maybe…the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can’t go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.
6. Maybe…you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.
7. Maybe…there are moments in life when you miss someone — a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child — so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.
8. Maybe…the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.
9. Maybe…you should always try to put yourself in others’ shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.
10. Maybe…you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.
11. Maybe…giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don’t expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn’t, be content that it grew in yours.
12. Maybe…happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.
13. Maybe…you shouldn’t go for looks; they can deceive; don’t go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.
14. Maybe…you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy
15. Maybe…you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.

Yes, I do!!

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1) Select The Numbers

2) Press Ctrl + F

3) Press 99 And See What Happens!

To-Do List

Doesn’t this cartoon strip remind us of our everyday? Hell no!! I am not going to bore you to death with my story of the day. But, this cartoon surely urges me to help Mr. Rat create a To-Do list to prioritize his work. ‘Cos I am a to-do list kinda-girl.

I usually have a to do list which is never in any priority order of importance as I often receive so many directives from middle management, I feel more like a gopher than a manager, and it can get the best of you when your list defines you! Because having a To-Do list is something that allows you to clear the clutter and focus on what the true value at stake is.

But, I think we all know that daily to-do lists are self-defeating, AND it’s hard to give up the practice, ain’t it? I trust that we keep a kind of mental compass which always points towards our goals and not just the tasks. However, this is easier said than done and separates the leaders from the managers.

And then I started to observe my senior manager – how he was able to cope in similar or rather more complex situations like mine. He remembers who his constituents are, eliminates the unnecessary, prioritize, delegates, and communicates a clear purpose. All things even experienced leaders need to revisit periodically (I know I do).

And then it dawned upon me – I find it difficult to delegate anything off my own list as I consider them as MY TASKS. It’s always good to get some thought provoking ideas. Breaking it up in this fashion would really help prioritize things and help you delegate as a leader.

It’s easy to quickly get lost in the trees if you don’t have the vision and discipline to look beyond the forest. This applies to everyone in a leadership. Without clear and concise direction, everyone is left running around with their heads cutoff. The task of leadership must by necessity include a lot of delegation. Letting go and letting others do the jobs they can do takes a lot of the stress off, and enables clearer thinking for the leaders, which in turn benefits all.

Separating our goals from our to-do list is a great concept, not always easy to do given time restraints which we all face but we cannot afford not to do it!  Sometimes our goals can get lost amongst the never ending to-do list. Achieving our goals and being recognized for our focus and “delivery” is great motivation for us. I love the idea of a “line of sight” as when we can see where we fit in the chain and how our contribution makes a different it encourages commitment and a winning attitude.

Leading–defining priorities, setting goals, and empowering our team to get it done–is why we have leaders. We need to group To Do into Employees, Shareholders, or Customers. I constantly ask how am I able to do other initiatives apart from regular work. My view is pretty similar…List, Prioritize, Delegate What can be done by others, Focus on Must Have in the list which needs to be done by me and last but not least, I ensure we all agreed to closure…

And often the most effective approach is the simplest like focusing on just 3 things…for escaping the tyranny of the “to-do” list!

Keep the right perspective…dump the peripheral clutter, energize yourself and others around you to maintain momentum and above all…keep it simple, one task at a time, if possible.  To-Do Lists are merely guidelines, not rules….reminders, not LAW.

Now go enjoy that gorgeous (chilly) day outside!